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How do I rescue myself?

(10 Posts)
Neomneom Wed 17-Feb-16 09:31:28

I have been involved in a two year relationship with a man which has given me the highest of highs but also the lowest of lows. We have actually known each other many many years but over the last two years it has essentially been a 'friends with benefits' relationship where I have allowed myself to be picked up and put down at his whim. I have broken every relationship rule in the book about allowing myself to be an option, getting over invested in a relationship that can't go anywhere (in fairness he has been clear about this) and settling for every crumb of interest he has scattered in my direction
I don't want to go into all the background but suffice to say my self esteem was on the floor when I met him, he made me feel good about myself initially but over the last year this has changed and I probably feel worse about myself. l have recently realised how little I mean to him and how I have allowed myself to be seduced by 'our amazing friendship' as he describes it.
It has taken six months of anguish to reach this stage. I'm in counselling but going nowhere fast. My question to you wise people is how do I get out and stay out? I'm reading baggage reclaim but almost don't trust myself not to cave when he turns on the charm again. Anyone have any wise words? Thank you.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent Wed 17-Feb-16 09:45:19

I think you just get there in your own good time. You obviously are realising that this relationship is not what you wanted to believe it is. You just have to keep on telling yourself that.

Try to keep busy, find something else to occupy your mind and time. flowers

FetchezLaVache Wed 17-Feb-16 09:50:22

I think the fact that the language you use is not that of a victim is a clear sign that you're nearly there. You know what the deal is, your own part in allowing things to develop as they have, so I think you maybe just need to tell him straight that it's not making you happy any more and so you're calling it a day. And have a bit of faith in yourself that you won't cave! If needed, you can always harness the strength of Mumsnet... wink flowers

hellsbellsmelons Wed 17-Feb-16 09:53:37

Have you done the Freedom Programme as yet?
If not then give Womens Aid call and sign up to do it.
It will help with all aspects of your life.
If you don't feel the counselling is helping at all then change your counsellor.
What kind of counselling is it you are going through?

Neomneom Wed 17-Feb-16 10:39:45

Thank you for the replies. Really helpful to have other voices in what has been (through shame really) a very solitary journey. I have tried to exit this relationship before and got this far but ended up going back as he seemed to make an effort (another crumb in reality!)

I realised that I had to fix myself before I could leave and have some faith I wouldn't go back. I've been having integrative counselling - which has helped me make lots of links between rejection and isolation as a child, recent bereavements and issues with adult relationships. I am trying to link the confident, professional woman who others turn to with the anxious, over-analytical uncertain woman whose self-esteem is rock bottom.

Hells - I haven't heard of the freedom programme but will look into this. Thank you.

stumblymonkey Wed 17-Feb-16 10:47:28

I've been there myself....in some ways the professional, confident woman is the 'adult' you and the over-anxious version is the 'child' in you that is still impacted by things that happened in your childhood.

It can be quite helpful to actually think of yourself (your two halves) in those terms. Then, when you are feeling those anxious/needy feelings the adult you can 'talk' to the child you. I don't recommend doing this out loud unless you're alone grin

Try reading 'It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken' too.

Neomneom Wed 17-Feb-16 11:27:20

Thank you Stumbly. 'Broken' is exactly how I feel. I know everyone makes their own journey, but what was your lightbulb moment (if you are ok about sharing that.)

If I'm really honest, all my previous attempts at setting boundaries /leaving the relationship were really designed to make him see what he was missing and wake up. This time I want to leave for me. That's probably the most positive thing I can say about an otherwise crap, achingly painful situation.

Angieyy1 Wed 17-Feb-16 13:29:33

Stumbly monkey

I really like how you have put that and makes so much sense with me too .... I think I will use that theory !

amarmai Wed 17-Feb-16 14:26:29

he was clear that your relationship cd not go anywhere usually means he is married ?

Neomneom Wed 17-Feb-16 15:06:10

Amarmai - a permanent job on the other side of the world actually - this has been on the cards for the last 2 years and he is finally going although he says he will be back in Europe regularly. I have long-term caring responsibilities here so a move for me is impossible. Not that this has ever even been an option suggested by him!
The bottom line is, he simply isn't into me, the way I am into him. I need to move on. I know that.

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