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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I dont know what to do..

30 replies

MrsOs · 16/02/2016 08:42

I have been with my h for 12 years married for 10. After we got married we started trying for a baby.. 5 long years, 4 rounds of ivf and still no baby... It really took it out of us. Sex became a chore.. After round 4 we gave up, my dad died and we put on hold adoption plans. We were told we wouldnt conceive naturally. Then a miracle happened and i fell pregnant with our ds who is now 3. Our sexual relationship has never recovered from the years of timed sex.. We just dont do it anymore.. I have no sex drive atall. He never instigates anything. We rarely hug or kiss. Im so tired all the time. I work a full week in 4 days. Get up at 530 to get ready, get son up for nursery and get off to work in london. I get back about 7 ish.. Eat, put son to bed and fall into bed myself. Fridays im home with son and we either go to see nanna and take her shopping or we play at home or meet for soft play with a friend. I have been caring for my mum since my dad died. She is 82 in poor health and needs me to go every week to take her shopping, she lives about an hour away. I either go fridays with my son or saturdays. So i have not much time to myself really and we dont get much family time.

My husband takes our son to nursery, picks him up, feeds him, cooks when i get home. He does washing but doesnt iron or really do much cleaning. The main thing that i get upset about with us is the lack of intimacy, lack of any show of affection. Every now and again i say i cant go on in a loveless marriage but it doesnt ever achieve anything, he says we need to try harder but nothing happens. Claims be loves me to bits..

He is lazy in that respect. He is lazy in maintaining relationships with his family, his friends.. He will never instigate doing stuff with me or our son, we do stuff without him most of the time. He prefers to stay home and play boom beach on his phone or ipad or play ps4 or watch football. He will get out of coming with us for stuff by saying ill stay home and cook sunday dinner.

I just want someone to show me some love. I do so much for everyone, for him i make sure bills are paid, food in fridge, son is clothed... I look out for my mum, work hard and i dont feel anyone really cares about me. No one asks me how i am feeling.. I feel like i have to arrange stuff for everyone!

On saturday i was quite ill but still needed to go see my mum, our son wanted to come with me so i took him. My h had 9 hours at home alone (something i never get) and i got home and he hadnt made the bed or hoovered or anything. I said to him have you been playing your games all day? He said not all day no! I was like how can you not have hoovered, so now i have to come in from all day out with our son and tidy up! I was really angry. He went and hoovered but nothing else was said. He should have thought to do something more than sit on his fucking arse all day surely?

I have now moved into the spare bedroom as i have had enough of no one giving a shit about me. I dont know what is going to happen next. He hasnt spoken to me about it.. He probably wont. He just wants to drift along in life and think everything is ok. He needs to grow up. I dont see other family men spending all their time playing stupid games when they should be spending time with their family or helping their wife. I dont think he has ever really taken our son out without me! Except to the supermarket. I go out to my mums and if he has our son i will say why dont you take him to the park or go for lunch and i get back and our son will have his face in the ipad, and he will be watching tv and they wont have done much else all day.

If we do go out together he tends to ruin the mood with his moaning. He will either fight with son trying to get him in and out of the car or over react when our son is misbehaving because he doesnt know how to handle it or he will be moaning whilst driving at other drivers which is really unnecessary and i just cant be arsed with it all, i want a quiet day out but it always turns into drama with him. If he goes off on one he doesnt care who sees and it can be really embarrassing. Its like he doesnt know how to behave appropriately sometimes. He doesnt come to my mums with me anymore because they rub each other up the wrong way.

He isnt a violent man atall but he doesnt have much patience for stuff. One thing that also annoys me is that we were both bought up in council houses and were lucky for the things we had. Especially him as his mum was a single parent. We were only lucky enough to get our nice house because i sold my flat when we got married and made some money from the sale, enough for the deposit. But still he isnt happy, always saying this kitchen is shit its so small etc etc.. For his job he sees big houses with nice kitchens etc etc.. He wants an extension for our house, he wants this he wants that but he doesnt earn much. Most of the savings are from my salary. When we get things i think will make him happy, it then isnt usually long before he starts with 'this is so shit'. It annoys that he never seems happy and he seems ungrateful. I say that to him but he doesnt see it. It can be very wearing being around someone like that and i often wonder if i would be happier on my own with my son.

Sorry for the long post.. Had to get it out.

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timelytess · 16/02/2016 08:51

Throw him out, if that's what you want.

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 08:53

I dont know what i want, i just want him to change.. To see he needs to change if he still wants us

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springscoming · 16/02/2016 08:55

If you've told him how you feel and things have stayed the same, then he doesn't want to change and tbh you can't force him to.

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 08:56

Im fed up babysitting everyone.. Dh needs to grow some balls and be a man and see his wife is stuggling and step up.

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SelfRaisingFlour · 16/02/2016 08:57

Timelytess - If he is co-owner of the house, Op can't just throw him out.

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QuiteLikely5 · 16/02/2016 08:59

he sounds draining! Tell him your marriage is in danger see how he responds if it isn't with due care and attention then imo you face a difficult decision on your future

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IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 09:00

It comes down to whether or not you want to resurrect this relationship. If you do, there are things you can improve.

If you're doing all the housework then he has probably decided that's "your area".
If that is one of the things that is annoying you, can you write out a list of all the things that need doing daily / weekly / monthly and get him to initial which ones he is doing? Then he will have a clear idea of what needs to be done and by when.

Some people aren't natural instigators of plans. Perhaps he's not very imaginative. How about you plan 3 secret dates each - restaurant or cinema or theatre or show, and then tell the other which dates and put them in sealed envelopes.

The bedroom thing needs sorting - I can understand your situation after such awful IVF issues. Can you redecorate and get nice new sheets and have another go at sharing?

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CalleighDoodle · 16/02/2016 09:01

This man will drain the life out of you.

things may improve of you outsource the cleaning and ironing, and leave him lists to do but ffs he is an adult and you shouldnt have to. Ive friends who baby their husbands, their husbands have no responsibility in the house at all, no thinking about anything gor themselves, and it works for them but i cant see how.

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 09:11

I just want him to care, to see whats going on around him and do something about it. Having no sex isnt right. He comes to bed so late.. He must still want it... But he never touches me which makes me feel undesireable snd in return i dont touch him.. Vicious cycle. When he starts moaning it turns me right off and i want to just get away from him. I would rather go out for lunch with my toddler who makes me smile! He is just too much drama and misery. He needs to lighten up. If our son is playing and if dh thinks he is in any type of danger he starts shouting at him, takes the fun out of everything. Tells me im too relaxed.. But i say he is too tense all the time. He just saps the fun out of stuff all the time.

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 09:17

If he is playing with our son and he gets on the floor almost straight away he says come on.. Cos my back is hurting.. Something negative always gets thrown in. He can never just play and be silly.

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IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 09:42

He's a fun sponge then.

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ToInfinity · 16/02/2016 09:54

Your OH drops off and picks up your son from nursery everyday - so does that mean they have some quality time together?

Does he work part time as well?

Like others have said, you can't force your OH to change, the only person you can control is yourself. He can decide to change, but you can't force it. explain to him, in as neutral and not accusatory way as you can, how you are feeling and what you would like from him.

I'm assuming that you would prefer to try to make your marriage work, in which case you need to try to get out of the negative way of thinking about your OP and try to remember all the wonderful things about him, all the reasons you married him in the first place.

I have been in a very similar situation, and I do sympathise. I had to learn to be more direct in asking my OH to do certain things, and try to be really appreciative when he did. Slowly, that spirit of positivity changed the atmosphere in the house, and made us all much happier.

In no way am I saying that you are to blame for anything, or that he is behaving well! But you can only control you, that is all that is within your power if you want to take steps to change the situation. X

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 10:03

I get that toinfinity but i am so tired and fed up im not sure how to swich it around anymore!

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summerwinterton · 16/02/2016 10:14

You can't change his behaviour, it doesn't sound like he wants to change tbh. So all you can do is decide whether you want to put up with it.

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ToInfinity · 16/02/2016 10:31

I totally get that MrsO ThanksThanks.

Is there any way you could get some time out for yourself?

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 10:35

I could go out on my own to the shops or for a coffee on sunday and leave ds with him.. But it doesnt solve our problems! :-(

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 10:44

I think i need to stay in the spare room and start living as i want with my son.. This will either spur him into action or leaving.

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RedMapleLeaf · 16/02/2016 11:20

Not necessarily. Have you told him how you feel? Or do you want him to just know as a sign of him caring enough?

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ToInfinity · 16/02/2016 11:29

No it doesn't solve your problems, but it might allow you to destress, and think about things away from all the frustration.

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 11:45

He has text me saying we need to date again.. He doesnt want to lose us... Says he doesnt know if he needs to move out... I replied with all of it... Text after text saying how i feel. How i want to be loved.. Want him to be happy, be a man, stop playing games and be with us, have fun...

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IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 11:57

The ice is broken. Good. Now talk.

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RedMapleLeaf · 16/02/2016 13:09

I think it's good that you've started to say how you feel.

But what do you mean by you want him to "be a man"?

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Kr1stina · 16/02/2016 13:16

I think she means " act like an adult and not like a moody sulking teenager "

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MrsOs · 16/02/2016 13:32

Yes stop,playing stupid games on the ipad and start spending time with me and our son

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RedMapleLeaf · 16/02/2016 13:46

I think that "be a man" is a very unhelpful phrase. It could mean "I want you to take responsibility as an adult" or it could be a very emasculating phrase intended to shame and hurt.

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