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Staying just good friends

(18 Posts)
Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:17:54

Name changed.
Hoping that you good people can give me another perspective on my predicament.
Long story over 25 years, met a man in our late teens, we were together for a few years then had our child together, stayed together another few years, then as happens a lot I suppose, we got stuck in a rut, I thought the grass would be greener so we split up, after a few years I realised I'd made a mistake, asked my ex if he wanted to try again, he said no, fair enough, then a few years later again he wanted to meet up, so we did, all good, apart from he wants to stay as best friends. Sorry I haven't put all the details upfront, as I say it's a long story, I'll answer any more questions if needed.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 08:22:18

Not sure what you're asking us, OP. However...

He wants to stay as best friends.

Presumably you want more?

Sorry - your choice is simple. You either accept that you can be just friends, or you can't. And if you can't, and it would be too upsetting for you to be just friends, then you have to tell him that doesn't work for you and cut all contact.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:25:51

Yes, that's right, I'd like there to be more. I tried to cut contacted but the pain of never seeing or speaking to him again was worse.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 08:30:09

There isn't going to be more, he's told you that.

So you have to accept that and learn to cope with your feelings if you're choosing to stay around him.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:36:41

That's right, I have to cope with my feelings, easier said than done, I suppose time will tell. He isn't looking for another relationship with anyone else, he seems happy with being best friends with me and that's it, fair enough. I feel there is still a glimmer of hope that something could happen in the future though.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 08:40:00

That way madness lies, because you will find it more and more difficult to stay around him if you continue to hold onto a glimmer of hope because you will be deceiving yourself and not necessarily moving on with your life.

Seriously, you need to put that idea out of your mind.

You say the mistake was yours in splitting up, that you thought the grass was greener and it wasn't. If he wanted to be with you now, he would. He doesn't. You want to correct what you see as your mistake. You can't.

It's over and done with. You have to let go, mentally, and not cling on desperately hoping things will change.

FarinaHuevos Tue 16-Feb-16 08:42:49

Your post is a little unclear, or maybe I've not had enough caffeine yet.

You said you have a child together. Was there a long period when he wasn't in touch with his child?You said a few years later he wanted to meet up which sounds as if there'd been no contact between you two and/or your child. Can you explain that a bit more ?

I'm assuming in you're in your early-mid 40s now. Are you in another relationship?

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:53:17

I've tried for years to let go but I just can't seem to. I realise I can't correct the mistake, but I think I have learnt from it and am truly sorry for that, which I've told him, I can't do any more than that. We've both never bothered with anyone else over the years, we get on so well, we like to do the same things, the same type of personalities, I think I will always love him no matter what, I think we are meant to be, love! Thanks for taking the trouble to post, I can imagine this type of thread to be very frustrating to read.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:59:27

Fair He's always had regular contact with our child, not as much as I'd have liked but still, as regular as clockwork, never missed.
Yes that's our ages.
No, no relationship either of us, for years and years.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 09:03:40

YOU think you are meant to be. HE doesn't.

You say you've tried to let go but can't. I don't think it's "can't", I think it's "don't want to, because I'm sure one day he'll change his mind about us".

Sorry, but I still don't know what you actually want from this thread. You want "other views on your predicament". What for? You are convinced/have convinced yourself you are meant to be together.

I think you should have some counselling to try and work out what's going on here.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:08:48

He's fine with meeting up regularly, every couple of weeks or so, happy to text every day, talk on the phone a couple of times a week, he's suggested going on holiday together. He works a lot so with that and looking after he's house/car and seeing our child and me suits him, which is fair enough. He said being friends is better than a relationship, less stress and complications.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:12:13

I know I'm very stubborn. I'm not against counselling, so will see how things go, will certainly consider it if I can't resolve these issues.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 09:13:49

Does he know you are still in love with him and want to try again?

Because if so, being in so much contact with you and suggesting going on holiday together, is very unfair on you and I think he could be pissing you about, quite frankly.

If not, you need to tell him now and if he genuinely doesn't want more, the two of you should reduce contact. Significantly.

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:22:29

Yes he knows I love him and that I want a relationship with him. He is also willing to leave me alone completely as well. I've tried to cut things off but like I said before it hurt more. I've asked him how he would feel if I met someone else, he said he would be happy for me.
I think I'm going to see how things go and if I can't handle it, go get some counselling.

blindsider Tue 16-Feb-16 09:22:42

As a bloke I would say stick at it, most blokes cave in the end however good their intentions as you know he has fancied you in the past...

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:29:58

Thanks blind he is very hurt by what happened in the past
understandably, I feel he's totally closed himself off to a relationship to save getting hurt again, actually he has told me so, he says he's feelings could change in the future, so it depends if I'm willing to wait, do I think he and us are worth it, yes!

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 16-Feb-16 09:31:56

Blindsider - I'm a man. I'm not sure I agree with you that "most blokes cave in the end".

Justgoodfriends123 Tue 16-Feb-16 09:37:55

Just wanted to say thanks to you all for taking the trouble to reply, I feel better for starting this thread, a problem shared and all that.

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