Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I can't move on after his betrayal.

(5 Posts)
TheDetective Tue 16-Feb-16 02:37:14

I've posted before, lots of background.

Quick synopsis. Married partner of 5 years back in Nov 14. Was 7 weeks pregnant at the time.

Message received from OW to inform me of his infidelity 4 hours after saying our vows.

He ran away on our wedding night. Turned up at 5am at our house (I'd driven myself home from the hotel by this point). He begged for a chance. I said I needed a lot of time to think what I wanted to do about the pregnancy first (we already had an almost 2 year old).

The next day he disappeared for 2 days. I didn't know where he was. He refused to speak to me. I did find out where he was eventually (at a male friends 200 miles away).

He came back, begged for a chance again. Reiterated that my priority was thinking about my children and my unborn child. I'd get to what he had done to me once I had time to process what just happened.

5 weeks down the line he left me. That was 13th December 2014.

He also walked away from his son at the same time. 2 weeks later he wanted to see 'us' (read: he wanted to see me for sex, and get to watch his son in my house while I did the parenting). He kept it up for 2 weeks, then disappeared for 2 weeks again. 27th Jan 2015 was the last time he saw our son until August 2015. In June 2015 I gave birth alone. He knew I was due. He knew I was going in to have the baby. He didn't show. He didn't message. He didn't do anything at all.

August 2015 he shows up. Wanting to see his 'family'. Begging me to take him back. 3 weeks he managed this time before running away again.

Since then he has been in contact pretty often asking me to take him back. Declaring he is never giving up. And all that bullshit.

The last message was on 13th January when I told him yet again I would never take him back.

I found out today he was in a new relationship, supposedly from 25tj January. But there are pictures of them together at new year.

Part of me is rejoicing at the fact that I knew a leopard wouldn't change his spots, and he has proven me right not to take him back. He doesn't go from loving someone the way he declared to 'new relationship' in 12 days.

But then there is the part of me that is so angry. Angry that I'm here, 0.2 miles from his door, changing 15 nappies a day, making endless fucking meals, worrying about money (he is trying to dodge the CSA of course) and how the hell I am going to go back to work soon when I work 12.5 hour shifts. Raising a teen, toddler and baby with zero family support is hard as fuck. I'm so so so SO tired.

He gets to sleep like a teenager in his mummy's house, with no responsibilities. Endless time to pursue his new relationship. All the time in the world to meet someone and go on dates, re-write the above history, and get a new uncomplicated life.

And I'm here, like 'where's my break?'. 'When can I meet someone?'. 'What if I do, how will I ever trust again?'. 'Do I even want to be with someone?'.

I'm 31, with 3 children, and a huge heap of painful baggage. I love my children incredibly. But I'm lost. Lost in how to get over what he did.

There's obviously a hell of a lot more to the above. I'd be here all day writing about what he has done to the children, to me, the things I subsequently discovered after he left etc.

But the question remains. How do you get over being cheated on, and dumped with a toddler and pregnant? On your wedding day too. Oh and on a significant birthday. Just to add some more pain to the misery.

TheDetective Tue 16-Feb-16 02:59:14

I should have added, I don't want him back. But I desperately want what we should have had. That family unit. I miss that so much. My best friend, the person I trusted and loved.

He turned out to be such a different person than the one he portrayed.

It's so hard to move on when all I want is my family. But that would mean I would be equally unhappy living with such a huge twat.

I know I don't love him. Or want him. I just want my old life before he turned in to a grade A shithead.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 16-Feb-16 03:11:43

I'm not in any way minimising what you've gone through which sounds so emotionally tortuous I'm surprised you haven't brained the feckless fucker, but the only way you get through it, and over it, is to laugh at how you were suckered in by a fuckwit who's even more stupid than you were when you got suckered in by him.

It's the stuff of dark humoured comedy or a kitchen sink drama. You wrote the book, you tie-dyed the t-shirt, and now you're making the film which is entitled 'the rest of my life is going to be so different from what went before' - and it will be different for you; you won't be changing nappies forever and you're not far off your first 8 hour sleep in what seems like an age.

Live and learn and live to laugh... experience doesn't come cheap and it's up to you to make the most of the lessons you've learned and impart your wisdom to your dc.

I can promise you one thing - you WILL laugh about this some day so why not make today the day you start cracking up with laughter at the turns your life has taken since you met the alien fuckwit from another planet?

You couldn't make a character like him up so put him to his first ever good use and start writing 'the life and times of TheDetective November 14-January 16'. If nothing else, it'll serve to release some of your anger and you can use the remainder to propel you forward into the bright future that you'll create for yourself and your dc.

Billington Tue 16-Feb-16 08:39:37

You somehow have to let all that anger towards him and how he is living his life go. You cannot control what he does - he is clearly a complete tosser who cannot keep his cock in his pants and who runs off to whichever woman is going to give him the least hassle and the most sex at any given time. You can't worry about all of that.

You instead need to focus on you and your children. It's a lot - I have been there with a baby, toddler, no partner and zero family support. It's hard! Hone down on the things you can control - what can you do to get more sleep? Very difficult when you're in the middle of it I know, but do you have a good health visitor who can help? Is Homestart still available? Definitely go to the CSA (or whatever) to get any money net from him that you're entitled to - he has 2/3 children with you who is obliged to support. Find out what other financial support you're entitled to too - housing benefit, tax credits, etc.

At the hardest times, when things just seemed too much, I always gave myself three things to achieve - so 3 phone calls/letters/emails/visits. Eventually you'll get through it and will be amazed at what you've achieved.

It's rubbish that you married such a loser, but you are the strong one, the person who has seen through him and refused to live in a bed of lies.

thanks

newname99 Tue 16-Feb-16 08:57:56

You are amazing that have gone through this.I'm so sorry however as it is just awful.You are grieving and anger is part of that.However anger can hold you back so for your sake try to release it.

People like him never get the 'happy after' , no matter what he tells you, or friends or puts on FB as he is still the same person with the same values.

It might take a while but at some stage when you are surrounded by love from your children you will see him and realise he's lost so much.
I think adrenalin has got you through to this stage but you must be shattered and tiredness makes everything so much worse.

Just take one day at a time, you'll get through today and you can tomorrow.Is there someone who you can lean on in RL? My friend was left with 3 young children (although not babies), a few years on she is happier than ever.It can be the same for you

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now