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Relationships

This is getting harder and I don't know what to do

120 replies

TrafficJunkie · 15/02/2016 07:28

I posted a while back about my partner and our relationship. Things hadn't neen going well, and I hadn't felt right for a long time. Upon posting on here, and with some red flags put up by my psychologist, I realised very quickly he is an emotional abuser.
For a bit of background, I will add some details....
He coerced me into an abortion 2 years ago
He sinks into depressive states where everyone else is blamed for it, and he spends days locked in the bedroom
He was a heavy weed user
He was unpleasant to my children, and imposed his rules on things, despite them not being his kids
He made me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope without him
He talked so badly about my family that. He almost convinced me they were scum and not to be trusted
He doesn't understand my autistic son, and calls our relationship weird
If I'm unhappy one day, or got pmt he follows me around, probing my every thought until I explode
He always seems to be able to make me look like the unreasonable one

And more. He did some things to my kids that should not have happened. He used to make them pick up lentils from the floor if they were too noisy in the morning. He used to empty one sons bedroom of all his belongings if ever his tantrum escalated. He rants at them sometimes, and can be a little rough sometimes if they aren't going where he asked them to.
A few weeks ago he proudly informed me that he had loosened the stair Gate (there for my dog, my kids are all over 5) to stop the kids from jumping over it (they lean on it with two hands and then swing through sometimes) and when I asked how that will stop them, he said "well, it will fall over when they lean on it" and three times I tightened it again, he kept loosening it, before he gave up.

I had a whole plan. I've been saving money, with a view to kicking him out.
It has not been easy.
He senses my moods well despite having no real emotion of his own, and has not left me alone.
I've actually told him 4 times its over.
First two times he just put it down to pmt.
That was over a month ago.
Third time, he took me seriously, ish, and started trying to sort out where he would go. But he's a clever man, and convinced me to let him stay. Made such great promises, of changing and admitting his faults and promising to get a job, and being nicer to the kids.
I foolishly agreed.
The fourth time, i told him, and i made some practical steps towards making him see it is real. I wrote a letter for us both to sign to our landlord. I wrote a list of any joint things needing to be sorted out. I even put a bunch of his stuff into a box for him to start packing. This time he accused me of sleeping with a man we both know.
Trouble was, his Mother was coming to stay. And, my period was late which he knew.
He tried everything. But i stood strong. I was quite proud. But then he fired back. Tried the suicide card. First, it was hints. Rifling through the medicine cupboard, and being cagey about what he was looking for. Then, directly telling me that he felt that way. I knew he had been sectioned before we met for this reason so I was wary and worried. He held me and said in my ear "dont worry, when i do it, I'll make sure you dont have to see it" which im sure was a reference to my trauma as a teenger, finding my friend hanged on my way to school. He knows I had PTSD from this which has only just been resolved.

But I caved. His Mother was coming, he made these threats.... I GAVE HIM A WEEK. I said when his mother has gone, he has to go too.
But the late period was hanging over my head. I did a test. It was positive.
Because of the abortion 2 years ago, I was scared but happy and not even considering telling him. But he found the test, and asked why I didn't tell him.
Then he worked his magic again. Again, I went from wary woman into head over heels lovesick puppy. He said all the right things. He was so happy about it.
A day later, and I've started my period. I don't even want to think whether it is miscarriage or not, it obviously is, but I'm trying not to think about that part.
And last night, he made my autistic son cry in front of his mum and the rest of us. I left the room because I was annoyed by it, he claims i was being weird. Im so confused again i dont know if i was? He has been struggling to cope with an extra person in the house these past two days. It has thrown off routines and he doesnt know how to cope. My partner is also quite insistent that he stays around everyone, when he would prefer periods of solitude. I found him in his room before dinner, which was really late (italians always eat late, something else he can't cope with) and he was a little upset. We talked and I managed to make him feel ok about coming to dinner. Nobody knew he was upset, and tbh I didn't think to tell anyone as all he had to do was eat dinner and then he could go to bed. He told off one of his brothers st the dinner table, a little bit taking out his mood on him I guess, but it was minor and I let it go: however my partner didnt. He told him to leave his brother alone and to take off his hood. This instantly brought my autistic son to tears and he left the table. I tried talking calmly to my partner about being more sensitive to my DS because he's feeling bad, and all he could say was thst he didn't do anything wrong. What he doesn't get, is that whilst he sounds polite and calm, there is something in his tone and facial expression that is upsetting. We argued about it, and I ended up practically putting my head down and he made me apologise to his mother for creating tension and leaving the table.

The part that is stark, is that my head was in the clouds again and I've been brought back down to earth.

What do i do?? Is it fair to change my mind again? Am i now being awful because i keep telling him to go and then changing my mind?

I just want him to go.... But he always convinces me :(

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bb888 · 15/02/2016 07:33

It doesn't matter whether it is fair or not. You don't have to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in.
He sounds awful though, and is deliberately manipulating you, which is why you are questioning yourself like this.
Can you go back to the plan that was there before the pregnancy test?