Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This is getting harder and I don't know what to do

(121 Posts)
TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 07:28:34

I posted a while back about my partner and our relationship. Things hadn't neen going well, and I hadn't felt right for a long time. Upon posting on here, and with some red flags put up by my psychologist, I realised very quickly he is an emotional abuser.
For a bit of background, I will add some details....
He coerced me into an abortion 2 years ago
He sinks into depressive states where everyone else is blamed for it, and he spends days locked in the bedroom
He was a heavy weed user
He was unpleasant to my children, and imposed his rules on things, despite them not being his kids
He made me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope without him
He talked so badly about my family that. He almost convinced me they were scum and not to be trusted
He doesn't understand my autistic son, and calls our relationship weird
If I'm unhappy one day, or got pmt he follows me around, probing my every thought until I explode
He always seems to be able to make me look like the unreasonable one

And more. He did some things to my kids that should not have happened. He used to make them pick up lentils from the floor if they were too noisy in the morning. He used to empty one sons bedroom of all his belongings if ever his tantrum escalated. He rants at them sometimes, and can be a little rough sometimes if they aren't going where he asked them to.
A few weeks ago he proudly informed me that he had loosened the stair Gate (there for my dog, my kids are all over 5) to stop the kids from jumping over it (they lean on it with two hands and then swing through sometimes) and when I asked how that will stop them, he said "well, it will fall over when they lean on it" and three times I tightened it again, he kept loosening it, before he gave up.

I had a whole plan. I've been saving money, with a view to kicking him out.
It has not been easy.
He senses my moods well despite having no real emotion of his own, and has not left me alone.
I've actually told him 4 times its over.
First two times he just put it down to pmt.
That was over a month ago.
Third time, he took me seriously, ish, and started trying to sort out where he would go. But he's a clever man, and convinced me to let him stay. Made such great promises, of changing and admitting his faults and promising to get a job, and being nicer to the kids.
I foolishly agreed.
The fourth time, i told him, and i made some practical steps towards making him see it is real. I wrote a letter for us both to sign to our landlord. I wrote a list of any joint things needing to be sorted out. I even put a bunch of his stuff into a box for him to start packing. This time he accused me of sleeping with a man we both know.
Trouble was, his Mother was coming to stay. And, my period was late which he knew.
He tried everything. But i stood strong. I was quite proud. But then he fired back. Tried the suicide card. First, it was hints. Rifling through the medicine cupboard, and being cagey about what he was looking for. Then, directly telling me that he felt that way. I knew he had been sectioned before we met for this reason so I was wary and worried. He held me and said in my ear "dont worry, when i do it, I'll make sure you dont have to see it" which im sure was a reference to my trauma as a teenger, finding my friend hanged on my way to school. He knows I had PTSD from this which has only just been resolved.

But I caved. His Mother was coming, he made these threats.... I GAVE HIM A WEEK. I said when his mother has gone, he has to go too.
But the late period was hanging over my head. I did a test. It was positive.
Because of the abortion 2 years ago, I was scared but happy and not even considering telling him. But he found the test, and asked why I didn't tell him.
Then he worked his magic again. Again, I went from wary woman into head over heels lovesick puppy. He said all the right things. He was so happy about it.
A day later, and I've started my period. I don't even want to think whether it is miscarriage or not, it obviously is, but I'm trying not to think about that part.
And last night, he made my autistic son cry in front of his mum and the rest of us. I left the room because I was annoyed by it, he claims i was being weird. Im so confused again i dont know if i was? He has been struggling to cope with an extra person in the house these past two days. It has thrown off routines and he doesnt know how to cope. My partner is also quite insistent that he stays around everyone, when he would prefer periods of solitude. I found him in his room before dinner, which was really late (italians always eat late, something else he can't cope with) and he was a little upset. We talked and I managed to make him feel ok about coming to dinner. Nobody knew he was upset, and tbh I didn't think to tell anyone as all he had to do was eat dinner and then he could go to bed. He told off one of his brothers st the dinner table, a little bit taking out his mood on him I guess, but it was minor and I let it go: however my partner didnt. He told him to leave his brother alone and to take off his hood. This instantly brought my autistic son to tears and he left the table. I tried talking calmly to my partner about being more sensitive to my DS because he's feeling bad, and all he could say was thst he didn't do anything wrong. What he doesn't get, is that whilst he sounds polite and calm, there is something in his tone and facial expression that is upsetting. We argued about it, and I ended up practically putting my head down and he made me apologise to his mother for creating tension and leaving the table.

The part that is stark, is that my head was in the clouds again and I've been brought back down to earth.

What do i do?? Is it fair to change my mind again? Am i now being awful because i keep telling him to go and then changing my mind?

I just want him to go.... But he always convinces me sad

bb888 Mon 15-Feb-16 07:33:03

It doesn't matter whether it is fair or not. You don't have to be in a relationship that you don't want to be in.
He sounds awful though, and is deliberately manipulating you, which is why you are questioning yourself like this.
Can you go back to the plan that was there before the pregnancy test?

ConkersDontScareSpiders Mon 15-Feb-16 07:42:00

I think you need to get him out of there inmediately.He has done things to try and deliberately hurt your children and he sounds massively unstable which in turn is destabilising you. Seriously, get him away from you and your kids. What happens to him shouldn't be your priority over the safety of your children and your own mental health. You had a plan in place before, why not reactivate it now?

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 07:51:02

Ive still got the saved money. My mum and her DP have offered to back me up the day I ask him to leave so that he cant try and manipulate me again.

But I'm laden with guilt about asking him to go again.
What if he doesn't sign the letter to our housing officer? Then he still has rights to live here.

CooPie10 Mon 15-Feb-16 07:52:06

You need to leave him. He is doing awful things to your children and you are failing them by continuing to allow him in your life. No man can be more important than your children?? He convinces you because you allow it. Put your children first. He's treating them so badly, making your autistic child cry so often, isn't that enough to make you realize?

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 07:53:48

Yes it is.

I don't know how to do it... I don't know how to avoid being convinced.

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 07:55:53

And right now, his mother is here for a week until the end of half term, from Italy. How can i kick them both out?

I would just take the kids with me somewhere for a week, but we've nowhere to go and it would only make my autistic son feel worse tbh.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Mon 15-Feb-16 07:58:07

I think you would be more laden with guilt if he hurt one of your children. Or if you considered that as much as he is Emotionally abusing you he is also doing the same to them. Your mum has offered to support you when you tell him and that makes me think that she is highly concerned about him and can see that you need to get him out.Often when you are in it you can't see it as clearly as people outside looking in can. Forget feeling guilty, focus on protecting yourself and your children.
If he wont sign the letter then you need to speak to the housing advisor, explain the situation fully and see what they suggest.They are unlikely to advocate that you continue to live with someone who is abusive.I know this isn't easy.But you do need to get it done.

CooPie10 Mon 15-Feb-16 08:00:48

Unfortunately he will have to sort his mother out. In a way it might be better to do it now, so his mother can deal with his antics and see for herself what he gets up to. Your responsibility is to your kids, not two grown adults. Imagine how they feel? Being treated so badly and mummy is keeping this man around who treats them like that. He needs to go asap. You are not responsible for him. He barely cares about you or your children, why should you keep him on a pedestal above your children?

ConkersDontScareSpiders Mon 15-Feb-16 08:01:19

So give him this week to get out then....you avoid being convinced by refusing to speak with him about anything other than the practicalities of him moving out. Could you go to your mums or would that upset ds too much? (Though to be honest it sounds as if your partner is constantly upsetting him anyway so for the sake of a week Id probably get out of there and deal with the fall out of it).

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 08:01:32

I know I do. It is scary. He seems so normal to outsiders. I never considered telling my housing officer what is going on. That would really help I think.

RubyChewsDay Mon 15-Feb-16 08:01:33

Can you find yourself somewhere to rent asap.

Or I would suggest you actually ask your parents if you can stay with them NOW until you do find yourselves a new home.

I was truly shocked by what you have written, & believe me I have seen a lot in my life.

You need to go asap. sad

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 08:03:52

My mu literally has no room as there are 5 of us.

wannaBe Mon 15-Feb-16 08:05:57

He is responsible for his own actions. As hard as it is, if he kills himself if you leave then that is still his choice. But chances are he won't. People who threaten suicide as a form of emotional blackmail aren't doing it because they're desperate, they're doing it because they can and it gets them what they want.

You already want to leave. You don't need his permission to end the relationship, but you can give yourself permission to end it.

Speak to the housing officer and tell him that your relationship is over due to abuse, and therefore you want to throw him out and change the locks. Even if you have to pay to change the locks it's a small price to pay.

Then wait until he's out and can't lay on any of the guilt, change the locks and let him know it's over.

As for the MC, at this point I would consider it a blessing in disguise, as hard as that is to reconcile. Far better that there was never any permanent connection with this man.

pallasathena Mon 15-Feb-16 08:07:47

Sometimes in life we have to step up, be incredibly strong and do the right thing. If we don't, All hell breaks loose and innocent lives are irreparably damaged.
This is such a time. Get him out. Now.

DoreenLethal Mon 15-Feb-16 08:09:08

Picking up lentils? Unscrewing the gate so that they would make it fall off if they swing on it?

Jesus.

Can you tell him you are in the middle of losing the baby and you need your house back so can he take his mother somewhere for the rest of the stay? A hotel or something...and then change the locks and not let him back in?

Anniegetyourgun Mon 15-Feb-16 08:10:06

Exactly what CooPie10 said. This man is torturing your son, as surely as if he were sticking hot needles into him. He has to go.

I'm sorry your pregnancy hopes were dashed but - harsh though it sounds - it's just as well that you aren't having a baby with such an unpleasant person. If you were having a baby you'd find it far, far harder to do what you know you must and he would continue to have an "in" to your life for ever. Alternatively, given that he bullied you into terminating the last one - who's to say you would have got to keep this one as well, if his mood changed?

The only sensible way forward is to ditch this awful man before you get any older. Find someone decent - there are a lot of them about - who will be kind to your existing children, and with whom you stand the chance of having a baby who will be brought up in a happy family atmosphere. Your present partner will never be able to give you that. Happy is not what he does. Every time he manages to bring you round - every time - he ends up letting you down again. He says the pretty words, but they are all lies.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Mon 15-Feb-16 08:10:53

Definitely speak to the housing advisor.
Please get this sorted.

Marilynsbigsister Mon 15-Feb-16 08:14:44

Sorry to say OP, but I can't begin to comprehend how you have overwhelming feeling of guilt that makes you stay in this awful relationship. The overwhelming guilt should be to YOUR CHILDREN !!! making them stay in a house where they are routinely abused by your partner and your response to your Autistic son being made to cry is 'to leave the room'... Your priorities are all wrong. Call women's aid, get into a refuge., go and stay with your mum temporarily, call the DV helpline, speak to the council who will have a DV housing policy..do something/anything that gets your dcs away from this vile abuser. How can you have any feelings for a man deliberately makes your children unhappy ?

ConkersDontScareSpiders Mon 15-Feb-16 08:14:55

Actually from what you've said they may well advise you log this with the police as well-you might need to be prepared to do that. I don't think there is enough to charge him with anything-but I'm sure I read on another thread that they keep a log where someone is at risk and will help in cases of abuse, for example being present whilst the abuser is packing to leave-worth finding out perhaps.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Feb-16 08:20:13

I am going to tell you what I think of the situation and you will not like it. Maybe it will shake you out of your frozen state, maybe it will not.

I think you are now one of those women that puts a man before their own children. You are complicit in their abuse because you allow the person who is guilty of it to stay around them. It's not like you don't understand what he is doing, but you brush it under the carpet anyway.

You have the means and the support you need. He won't kill himself, he wouldn't be considerate enough to do that. And if my a stretch he did, that would be his choice alone. You cannot let your kids be further abused because of this ultimate emotional blackmail.

So, you have a choice. Him or them. What's it to be?

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 08:21:53

You aren't currently capable of safeguarding your children, so frankly the situation needs to be taken out of your hands. Tell your housing officer that he is abusing your children and you need support. Better to take the initiative now than end up trying to explain to a social worker why you did nothing when your son ends up injured or they tell a teacher about their home life.

TrafficJunkie Mon 15-Feb-16 08:23:27

Them. I choose them. I always do. I try to protect them the best way i can... He has always convinced me he made things better for them when he moved in.
Right now for example, they are all downstairs having fun. This is why I hsve found deciding hard.

bb888 Mon 15-Feb-16 08:27:21

But he isn't nice to them is he? No matter what he says. What nice person would do the things that he is done?

CooPie10 Mon 15-Feb-16 08:28:09

Agree with AF.
**
Them. I choose them. I always do. **
**
You are most definitely not choosing them. You know he is abusive to them but are making excuses and dragging your feet. You gave the means to help your family out of this situation but you are choosing him not them.
Do you really think having a few giggles temporarily over making them cry sticks in a child's mind? He is causing great damage to them while you just stand by.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now