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How to take revenge on someone who has destroyed me?

(32 Posts)
WannaThrowMyToyOutThePram Mon 15-Feb-16 00:32:12

I have this impotent rage that I can't do anything with. It is causing me to self sabotage myself at every turn and will probably make me ill at some point.

The person who destroyed me to my very core is living life a wonderful life, not looking back, taking no responsibility, everyone is on their side. I am ostracised, in a prison of my own making, this person is my warden.

The damage this person has caused will affect my family for generations, we will always have a blight on our history. There will always be something missing.

I wish I had some power to wreak havoc on them, chuck them into the pit of hell they threw me in but I am powerless. I wish I could beat the living daylights out of them but I am not that kind of person and I don't know where they are now anyway. I mash the potatoes harder, plump the sofa cushions harder imagining they are their face, that is the extent of the violence I could exert!

It is easy to say that the best revenge is living life to the full, get happy, move on but how can you do that when you takes all your strength just to get out of bed in the morning?

I wish I could do something to expose this person as the fucked up, spiteful person they are but no one would believe me. They are held in an almost god like esteem, nothing I can say would change that because I am worthless, a nothing so no one is interested in my side of the story.

I don't believe in karma because that would then mean that I must have done something terrible and I haven't.

No amount of therapy is going to help (and I've had lots).

In dark times, I have even fantasised about suicide and this person eventually coming across my grave and perhaps feeling a little bit bad about what they have done but that really would be cutting my nose off to spite my face (!). I want to enjoy what's left of my life and anyway this person would probably say 'she brought it all on herself'.

Perhaps I should take up kickboxing but I am too fat at the moment.

Arghh - any ideas?

nashley Mon 15-Feb-16 00:36:21

I could have written your post!! Lol. However this person is still in my life (not my bloody choice!)

No advice as I'm sat in your frustrated boat with you x

WannaThrowMyToyOutThePram Mon 15-Feb-16 00:38:29

I probably need a good mantra to repeat every day.

'Burn in fucking hell' doesn't help unfortunately.

Frostycake Mon 15-Feb-16 00:39:27

flowers You still sound terribly upset. Is this recent or from childhood?

You say youve had therapy but you sound very angry still. have you tried to deal positively with your anger?

It's difficult to advise as youve not been specific as to who, why, when or how.

WannaThrowMyToyOutThePram Mon 15-Feb-16 00:45:36

Sympathies nashley flowers.

This person is my mother (I use the term loosely). It is from childhood and recently Frosty.

I am very angry and upset and I always will be. It's always going to there under the surface. On the surface I'm fine.

Dealing with the anger positively would mean channelling it into looking after myself and I find that very hard what with the self sabotage.

Allofaflumble Mon 15-Feb-16 00:45:52

Totally get where you are coming from. Have had revenge thoughts all last week. Trouble is it is making ME feel terrible.

They are blissfully unaware of my murderous thoughts. It is so difficult!

WannaThrowMyToyOutThePram Mon 15-Feb-16 00:53:55

flowers flumble. I do feel terrible guilt but accept my anger is totally reasonable. I just need to find a way to deal with it, instead of internalising it.

Off to smoke myself to death in the garden and then crawl into bed way too late again as usual. DH will harrumph that I have brought the smell of smoke in with me <poor man>.

TealLove Mon 15-Feb-16 01:03:12

I know how you feel.
There are lots of videos on you tube on acceptance. They helped me through.

TheBouquets Mon 15-Feb-16 01:09:25

I could have written your post too. It is not my mother but another female relative. Many people know what a nasty piece of work she is but some have still to find out, probably the hard way. This relative lives quite far away and has done most of her life. Little did she know that I would meet up with people from where she last stayed and get the whole story of why she had to leave there. Such a person can only fool some of the people some of the time.
I don't dream often but one night I dreamed that I got hold of her and threw her all round the place. Totally ridiculous as I don't have the strength and would not have the courage to take on such pure evil on my own. It was only a (very unrealistic) dream but it was so satisfying.
No-one can get away with pissing off this many people both dead and alive and not get kicked back at. She has bred a family who are just like her and there is evidence of internal back snapping. Glad I don't have to see these people.
I live in hope of Karma getting back to her. She is in for so much trouble!

Slutbucket Mon 15-Feb-16 01:11:04

Has this person broken the law? Do you need to see that justice has been done?

liinyo Mon 15-Feb-16 01:14:41

Dear Wanna

I am so sorry for your pain.

From what you say there can be no revenge. She seems to have inflicted major damage on you as you developed and this is continuing. Without a time machine to transport you back to her childhood to inflict a similar level of harm on her young self, you are powerless. That is probably the deepest part of your pain- you know you can never even the score; she will never, ever get what she deserves.

If it is of any comfort, normal, healthy parents do not inflict this degree of damage on their children. She must be pretty damaged herself to inflict this hell on you.

I see you have had a lot of therapy. When you feel strong enough, try a little more. Just as serious physical injury may require multiple, ongoing treatments, maybe a change of approach, or a change of Doctor, so can serious mental injury. Just keep swimming and eventually you will be closer to where you want to be.

I am trying to send you positive vibes. I don't know where you are in the world, but I hope they get to you flowers.

TheBouquets Mon 15-Feb-16 01:25:52

Slutbucket - Are you meaning me with that post?

mathanxiety Mon 15-Feb-16 01:32:44

You have to disengage. Forgive, if it comes to that. Forgiveness is a way of not letting something done to you continue to hurt. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person.

Start with a gratitude journal.
greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal

The most important tip is that you have to will yourself onwards and upwards. You have to consciously leave old thought patterns behind and explore new ones. It takes time and practice.

'Emancipate yourself. Only you can free your mind...' to paraphrase Bob Marley.

flowers

Imbroglio Mon 15-Feb-16 04:17:22

Wanna, do you see your mum or have much contact with her?

RickOShay Mon 15-Feb-16 06:45:56

She will get found out eventually. And she knows herself anyway. In the deep recesses of her soul she knows, and that knowledge makes her feel like she has got nothing to lose, however much she blames other people for her actions she has to live with herself, she has to be herself every minute of every day, she is the true prisoner. Not you.

VulcanWoman Mon 15-Feb-16 06:51:43

well said Rick

mathanxiety Mon 15-Feb-16 07:06:46

There comes a point where you ask yourself what the pain and the hurt are doing for you in your life. When you are ready to let all of that go, then remember the saying 'Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace'. It doesn't mean you run back to where she can hurt you again. It means you decide to move forward and end her power over you.

AGreatBigWorld Mon 15-Feb-16 07:19:59

I have someone like that. I don't see them anymore. My mantra is "I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire!".............

junebirthdaygirl Mon 15-Feb-16 07:25:09

Unforgiveness is like you drinking poison hoping she will die. You are destroying yourself. Don't le t this person rob one more thing from you. Get CBT as it helps to change your thoughts. She doesn't deserve forgiveness but you do deserve to walk in peace. It's desperately hard but you don't want this to go down to another generation. Think what a wonderful thing you can do by stopping it right here. No way is it easy but you have the power to do that. You don't have the power to change your dm.

Movingonmymind Mon 15-Feb-16 07:37:36

Have you checked out stately homes thread? You'll get good support on there. Please see a psychotherapist or similar, you will need to go deep to move on- cbt and changing your thoughts will not cut it when the person concerned is your mother sad , voice of bitter experience here. Good, thorough help can really aid you though. Good luck.

StrictlyMumDancing Mon 15-Feb-16 07:44:38

I have this person too, or should I say had. In my case it was my sister.

thebouquets probably describes it better than I could. Some people know what she's like but accept that's just her, many (like me) have cut her out, others just bury their heads in the sand about it.

I found the best revenge was cutting her off and then just living my life. She can't stand me or the others who've wrestled away from her and moved on into lives she feels she deserves, but never gets. She doesn't get that life because she's incapable of keeping the nice act up for long periods of time.

I've also made a point of being civil and cordial at family events, not friendly. But my theory is the people these events centre around do not deserve crap from us. She cannot do it, and its shown her up far more than anything I could have done or said.

I won't forgive her because in order to do that I need her to acknowledge what she's done, and even if that happened I'll never forget. But the barely having to deal with her has meant I've given away the anger and has also convinced me I made completely the right decision.

You need to find your own way to let her control over you go flowers

Slutbucket Mon 15-Feb-16 08:03:35

Bouquets I actually meant the OP but I've read your post again. It just sounded like serious abuse has taken place and if she'll only feel better if justice has been done?

Obs2016 Mon 15-Feb-16 08:09:42

I made a complaint against someone and got nowhere. So, that's not something I'm suggesting.
It is so very hard. Unless you've been through it, I don't think you can comprehend.

Aussiebean Mon 15-Feb-16 08:14:09

I used to be angry, then one day I realised I was pretty exhausted being angry. Took up so much energy that I couldn't use for anything else.

So I let go. Best thing I did.

Aussiebean Mon 15-Feb-16 08:14:26

Oh and best revenge is indifference.

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