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What are the long term effects of staying in a platonic marriage (with young children)?

(10 Posts)
Oasis888 Sun 14-Feb-16 15:50:23

I have a few friends and a relation who are doing just that. Living like siblings. I got out of my marriage as being platonic didn't satisfy me but I'm just wondering really what if I had stayed and what is their future (including their children's)?

Cake0rdeath Sun 14-Feb-16 18:14:21

I'd be interested to see the feedback you get: currently living platonically with DH and its working ok for now.

MrsH1989 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:20:46

Well a friend of my mums has lived with, but admittedly not been in love with, her husband for about 20 years. The kids can see that neither have respect or love for the other but I do not know the "effects" it has on them. The mum is miserable and if nothing else it is hardly an example of how a relationship should be. Would you want your children to grow up and replicate a similar relationship to what you have knowing that to tell her/him to leave would be very hypocritical?

Kr1stina Sun 14-Feb-16 18:20:50

What do you mean by platonic ? Do you mean a happy loving affectionate relationship where they have both agreed not to have sex ?

If so, I don't really see how it would affect the children .

Oasis888 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:31:27

Yes, getting along but no intimacy / love.
I've had years of agonising discussions with a sibling in this situation. It's very easy for me to say leave as that is what I have done but my situation was different. I just wonder what the future will hold for her, if years will have been wasted and the effect on her son.

bb888 Sun 14-Feb-16 19:28:53

I think if it was genuinely loving but a choice had been made not to have a physical/sexual relationship thats different to a situation where people don't love each other, but haven't separated?
It feels like the first might be OK, but not the second?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 14-Feb-16 19:31:15

If they're both happy with it, then it's fine. If only one of them wants a platonic relationship then no matter how much they both try, I wouldn't think it would work long term

MorrisZapp Sun 14-Feb-16 19:34:01

I think a lot of marriages manage very well without much in the way of sex or standard romantic 'love', where there is deep love and respect.

I think if the respect goes, you're probably stuffed. At the moment DP and I live like cuddly siblings. It suits us very well but we like and love each other, and neither feels short changed.

museumum Sun 14-Feb-16 19:34:24

If they're both genuinely happy with the situation then I can't see that it will have any negative effect on the children.
It will probably destroy any sexual confidence the adults have, but then that's probably already happened if they're happy not to have sex.

For what it's worth dh and I often can't be bothered. We do have sex a few times a month but it's not too if our priorities (and we absolutely love each other utterly).

misszp Sun 28-Feb-16 09:11:01

I have parents who clearly are only together out of comfort and loyalty, and to look after a disabled sibling. They get on for the most part, but their differences are quite obvious and I don't think they'd be together it it wasn't for my brother.

Their relationship has probably been that way since I was a kid and I never outwardly noticed the issues or lack of romantic love between them (and I had an awesome childhood- they are amazing people). But as an adult now my intuition, particularly as I got older probably did pick up on it subconsciously, and I would say that that the family dynamic isn't 'traditional'.

I am overall a well rounded individual, with a loving family BUT I think its certainly has impacted my view of relationships, myself and life even in subtle ways.

I've recently split from a long term ex whom I hadn't been happy with for some time, with the view that 'I must make it work, because that's what you do'. I probably would have stayed with him regardless of how miserable, tired or low it made me, because that's what I've seen others do and you always put your other half first and not yourself. I also probably lack quite a lot of confidence to speak up for myself and to actually put my opinion across in certain situations ( funnily enough not to my family, but particularly in relationships). I partly think that's because of the fact my parents 'just got on with it', and so I've learnt to as well. I certainly don't consider my feelings first, and I carry a lot of guilt that I have it easy and my sibling doesn't etc etc. I could launch into lots of subtle ways it's had an impact, but I won't!

I am sure there are platonic marriages which are perhaps slightly more 'traditional' than my families set up and are completely happy and settled with that (and therefore have no impact on children), but in my case there has been an impact on me especially in adult life, however not saying it would be the same for everyone though. I am currently trying to unpick some of it through counselling after my relationship break up, because it isn't healthy behaviour.

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