How did you know your relationship was over?

[Namechanger131111]

25 with 2 kids (3 and almost 2) been together almost 5 years.

This last year things have gone down hill. We broke up twice, first time for a few days and second time for a few weeks this was over July/August.

I'm not really sure what I'm after. Having doubts. Honestly I don't think either of us are happy, just going through daily life for the sake of kids. He says he's happy but looks and acts miserable when at home. Doesn't interact with the kids much and when they ask it's like a huge issue/chore.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone has wondered/felt the same and what the outcome was.

[Namechanger131111]

If anyone has any good ways/ideas in order for me to figure this out I would really appreciate it.

[Talcumsoul]

I knew it was over when I stopped hating him. It was a relief to move from being emotionally invested in him to indifference.

[KatieDesperado]

I'm sitting here wondering the same thing myself Namechanger. Trouble is, I've wondered this so many times over the years. I'm twice your age - I've been in this relationship for as long as you've been alive!

In the past I've just sucked up all the dissatisfaction and got on with it. I don't know if I can do that again - such a waste of time hoping that things will get better. They do for a while (because I learn to live with it rather than he changes), then they get worse.. I stick at it for our child.

I'm dealing with issues around money (he contributes none to the household despite us struggling hugely), selfishness, inaction (no holidays, never does anything as a family) and now indifference (on his part as well as mine) that is tipping into dislike.

The thing is, none of this is new. When it gets bad I just put my head down, focus on something (work, hobby, child etc) and sort of re-align my thinking so that I can put up with it. Also, because of our financial situation, I just can't see how either of us would cope if we split.

What will make me leave? I take my marriage vows seriously - better or worse, sickness or health - but really, it's all worse, never better. There won't be violence and I doubt he'll have an affair (I've wished he would find someone who will make him happy). Just crushing disappointment, resentment and bitterness. Is that enough to leave?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Yes it is more than enough to leave; infact you do not need anyone's permission to leave. Only your own.

Someone has to be the grown up here and it may as well be you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here about relationships; that you only stayed because of them, because it was somehow "easier" and your relationship with dad was all based on a lie?. This is not easier at all. They are not going to say "thanks mum" for doing that and it also teaches them that a loveless relationship is their "norm" too.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. These children do pick up on all the vibes, they do not even have to be in the same room.

[Gracey79]

Second the not hating - had countless friends and family who were angry at the way I was treated and I just felt nothing.
Also realised I had all the downsides of a relationship with none of the plus points so became a single mum very early in DS life and have never looked back x

[Ramble]

Katie I can absolutely identify with that but I am quickly reaching the point where I think life is too short...enough is enough. Child is almost old enough to cope should we split and I don't think they'd be surprised, possibly relieved in some ways. I think you deserve some happiness x

[bb888]

I realised that I would rather be single forever than stay in the marriage. There was then time spent staying together for the children. Though it became clear to me that I wasn't not setting them a good example of what a relationship should look like.
Things have been hugely better since I ended it. I am much much happier, and the children are happier also - whether its to do with things feeling more certain at home, and that they were picking up on a tension or a feeling that things weren't right? They certainly have a better mother these days (and I thought I was doing OK before, but this is different.

My view now on this topic is that if as a sensible, thoughtful adult you have decided that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, then that is enough reason. There isn't some arbitrary threshold of 'badness' that has to be crossed.

With regard to the question about marital vows - remember that he promised to love and cherish you. Do you feel cherished?

At least by separating you remove a lot of potential uncertainty from your children's lives - you are clearly at very high risk of actually separating, and will most likely remain so for the time that you are together, and then probably at some point in the future split up. Where as once you have split up then that has become a definite, and every one can move towards adjusting to that.

[PontiPing]

OH had an EA and we were trying to work it through, I thought that I really, really loved him and couldn't imagine life without him.

I had a lightbulb moment when I was driving home after seeing an elderly relative who was looking after their spouse following a stroke.

She was tenderly attending to his needs (with the help of some lovely carers) which included cleaning him up after vomiting and him having been to the toilet. She did this with love and selflessness. She knew it wouldn't last forever but wanted to spend her time making him as comfortable and as loved as she possibly could.

I, on the other hand, thought bloody hell there is no way I am wiping OH's shitty arse, should we continue in this relationship - and at that point I decided that he just wasn't worth it.

I have used this maxim a couple of times when assessing relationships. It does focus me to look at what matters.