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Family commitments query

(11 Posts)
VertigoNun Sat 13-Feb-16 23:22:22

I have been no contact most of my adult life with my brother who lives overseas. I have had intermittent contact with my parents over the past few years.

Today I got a phone call from my Mother. I have not spoken to her for several months. The golden child son was in the UK (private) for medical treatment, having left his child abroad. He is single and a lone parent.

He is misogynistic and his behaviour towards me is that I am a lesser being. My parents started the whole vertigo is a lesser being thing.

Things were complicated by me having an invisible disability they though wasn't real. The parents now know it's real as they came to hospital with me. I think my brother and his child have it too. I am not heard.

The medical care the brother is likely to have could lead to him being made worse if he has the same as me or be fatal as his medical team won't know certain things and he is in denial. I cried today for his child.

I cried for the child he once was. I cried in anger and sadness for various consequences this may cause me and the rest of the family.

I think my mother has fallen out with him. I told her the last time, if she was truely sorry she would fix things with him, that she robbed him as well as me of a better life as she contributed to making him narcissistic. I think she fell out with him over me. He didn't tell her he was coming or stay with her. He announced his arrival on fb, thats how she knew and he stayed in a hotel.

My children looked at his fb and are disgusted. They were children the last time they saw him. (When I told him about the genetic condition and he called me a liar) They said to me why on earth do you want an apology from him, he's embarrassing to be related to. You can see from his fb he drinks lots of whiskey and thinks women are nags amongst other things. They are right. I phoned our mother and left a message to say forget the apology that my children are ashamed to be related to him and that I don't want dealings with him, to leave my share of her will if still her plan to my children, they will give him a piece of their mind should he try any misogynistic behaviour around emptying/selling her home. he would be too lazy to clear her house, would try to con me and attack me if he could find a way, want to rent if I wanted to sell or vise versa generally try to cause trouble He doesn't know my children so won't know how to emotionally abuse them. He would hit me when we were children then he would say ow she hit me. The parents would hit me and cuddle him and he would grin at me so they couldn't see. They believed him over me and thought I was an evil liar,hence they only believed I was ill when told by hospital. They looked ashen faced and guilty afterwards. Then messed up the reunion after promising me they would treat me better then I found out they were gossiping about me, so no contact again.

So should I just not see any of them again now? They weren't very supportive to us and make me upset. I tried to make things better. I feel bad they will die/nursing home and nobody will do anything for them. Both parents are single. I don't want them as a burdon. They didn't care for me as a child I was neglected and not believed. They weren't good grandparents either. I don't want my children burdoned by them either. They don't know where we live from the last move, I refused to tell them.

What will happen when they die or need to go into a home? What if the brother dies or is permanently in a wheelchair as a result of surgery? His child has a Mum, though she's lost residency of her children from a previous relationship too. There is a material grandmother like my parents she's well into her 70's and the child is in single figures, in that country, would she take the child in or would I?

I can't relax, I am so upset.

Marchate Sun 14-Feb-16 01:07:37

Very sad. I hope you can resolve it somehow

JeremyZackHunt Sun 14-Feb-16 01:13:16

So mostly you cannot fix or help them. They are a disfunctional set of people. They are adults and can deal with their own crap.
Why on god's earth are you exposing your dc to their fb nonsense?

VertigoNun Sun 14-Feb-16 01:24:42

My dc are not little and looked up their uncle from their fb account.

JeremyZackHunt Sun 14-Feb-16 01:28:49

Oh that's tricky then! Sorry wasn't clear they had autonomy.

VertigoNun Sun 14-Feb-16 01:30:34

So what do I say to people calling me when they need care or die?

JeremyZackHunt Sun 14-Feb-16 01:33:24

I'm sorry but I cannot and will not help.

JeremyZackHunt Sun 14-Feb-16 01:34:25

*To clarify we have been in that position so not flippant.

VertigoNun Sun 14-Feb-16 01:39:14

They left you alone then? Sorry you had this too.

I don't mind helping his child. I just don't want the burdon or my children burdoned by these unhelpful adults.

JeremyZackHunt Sun 14-Feb-16 23:39:38

Sort of. It hasn't been easy and it has needed a fair bit of soul searching in the wee small hours. They don't know that so it doesn't count smile

Trojanhorsebox Mon 15-Feb-16 00:05:32

What do you want to hear?

Your parents neglected you, disbelieved and emotionally abused you - it's OK to say you can't be there for them when they are frail and elderly, they weren't there for you as loving parents when you were a young and ill child.

Your brother - not sure what needs to be said. His conduct to you has been such that you owe him nothing.

Your brother's child ? Tricky, but if you don't know the child, have not been a part of their growing up as a consequence of your non contact with your brother, then you do not have a close or loving connection with the child do you? So the mother's side of the family or good friends might be more appropriate than you to step in if need be.

So, if worse comes to worse, you can say you won't take any of this on - but how not to feel guilty about it, how to be comfortable with that decision will be the challenge. If non contact was the right thing for you, and you thought it all through at the time and have no regrets, then this ongoing disengagement is the logical consequence sadly. The suggestion of going non contact is bandied around a lot here and I always wonder if people really do think through the possible consequences. You have had a tough time with your family, noone should judge you whatever you decide.

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