Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know what to do with myself, on the verge of tears :(

(162 Posts)
littlejolee Sat 13-Feb-16 14:33:54

Sorry in advance if this is a long post. I'm not even sure where to begin.

In the last few days, dp has accused me of lying/ hiding something from him because my libido has tanked and I've been crabby the last month (three weeks of viral bronchitis and nasty heavy painful period). Thursday night he said he had booked the next day off but was in a horrible mood and said that the nice thing he had planned was off.
DS goes to nursery on a Friday afternoon so as he was off we would have had a bit of baby free time. I'm a sahm and he said to me to just carry on with my day as usual. So I tried my best to carry on as normal, despite him still being very cold with me, turning the heating off when I have it on (to dry clothes and keep ds warm). Me and DS usually walk to nursery, so leave at 12 to get there for one giving plenty of time for DS to explore along the way.
Dp said I'll take him on the bus and I said OK I normally leave at half past (meaning whenever we get the bus, like if the weather is awful or he's woken up late from his morning nap, so not a very common occurrence). Dp turns around and questions how often I don't walk because I know when to leave to catch the bus.
So we all catch the bus to nursery and I usually pay them on a Tuesday (DS goes Tuesday and Friday) but had forgotten to last week, still had the money in a separate part of my purse. They said they needed payment for three sessions not two. Dp gets very angry, asks for a breakdown of all payments etc and to have a word with me in private. He then storms off and is livid, basically accused me of stealing the money. He was so angry I was crying in the street. (All I could think was the only time I've seen him this angry he got into a huge fist fight with his sister in front of me and DS in the middle of the night, they were both drunk, he put his around both our throats she called the police and he was arrested, this was just before Christmas. That whole incident put the fear of God into him -or so I thought--)
He tells me to wait where I am and storms off to the bank to get the money for nursery. When he comes back I go to follow him in and he tells me to wait where I am, won't let come into the nursery with him. I say no trying to stand up for myself and he storms away again. Came back a few minutes later and says he thinks I need to go and stay in my mum's for the weekend and sort my head out. I'm still in tears at this point and say fine but I'm taking DS with me to which he replied no.
We go home and I start up the stairs to pack a bag thinking I don't want to stay here right now anyway, I'll call my mum and dad and get DS from nursery etc, all kinds of crazy things going through my head.
Dp tells me to stay downstairs and make us both a drink, he goes through all the paperwork etc and tells me to get on with my day. Again I try my best.
We leave early to pick up DS from nursery because I needed to go shopping for food, and going past all the v day roses dp says don't think you're getting flowers (he's literally never bought me flowers before). I took today off because I was going to take you out for lunch while DS is in nursery and order flowers online for them to arrive on v day but none of that is happening now you've pissed me off.
So we get something for dinner, pick up DS and go home, give him a snack (he has tea in nursery) and put him to bed.
Make our dinner and watch something we've meaning to for a couple of days (lucha underground wrestling, cheesy but good fun). He's in a much nicer mood now and sits next to me on the couch offering to snuggle in so I do because it's comfy.
He headed off to bed and I said I'll be up in a bit as I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. Dp is asleep when I go up.
He left me to sleep this morning and got up with DS, woke me up around 8 (about. 2 hours later than our usual wake up time). We have a fairly peaceful morning.
Then he asks if I mind if he meets up with his female friend (know each other for years, she has SO) and I said yes that's fine, because I would never stop him seeing his friends. He got a shower, put a smart shirt and pants on, generally tidied himself up quite a bit, polished shoes, aftershave etc, even though he was only going to a pub in the day to have a couple of drinks with his friend (though I do have some probably unfounded reservations about her, she has fancied him in the past, on his birthday he danced with her but not me and it's just the two of them going for a drink now).
He left about an hour ago, DS who is two was distraught as he thought he was going with him and obvs wasn't. I checked his fb and it was him inviting her out. She asked if everything was OK and he said everything is fine just missing people (his bf birthday soon, she thought he would just wait until then to catch up with everyone hence asking if everything was OK)/

I just don't know what to make of the whole situation or what to do with myself tbh.

cece Sat 13-Feb-16 14:40:03

The perfect opportunity, whilst he is out, to pack your bags and leave with your DS I would say. Go and stay with your parents and don't go back. He sounds vile.

ChampagneTastes Sat 13-Feb-16 14:40:35

This sounds like a horribly unhealthy relationship. Did I read correctly that he has put his hands around your throat before now? The nursery money and the bus trip sound very controlling and now he's heading out with other women. He treats you appallingly. Can you get out? Do you want to?

Rainbowlou1 Sat 13-Feb-16 14:45:01

He sounds so controlling and treats you horribly.
Can you go and stay with your mum even if it's just for the weekend x

whatdoIget Sat 13-Feb-16 14:45:04

Just leave him. Leave him he's a horrible horrible person. Leave and don't look back

TresDesolee Sat 13-Feb-16 14:47:30

Sorry Jolee, but this is domestic violence; he is physically and emotionally abusing you. Nothing about any of this is ok or remotely healthy. Please call the domestic violence helpline and chat it through with them - they will believe you and help you to consider your options. 0808 2000 247 is the number. Please ring them.

He is a violent, abusive man and you and your son are at risk.

Mag314 Sat 13-Feb-16 14:49:46

omg, he sounds horrible. How humiliating, the way he behaved in front of the nursery staff, but that's the least of your worries, I'd be more worried about how he'd treat you when there are no witnesses. He has form for putting his hands around your throat???! Awful.

littlejolee Sat 13-Feb-16 14:49:58

I don't know. I was all ready to leave even if only for a couple days yesterday but now I'm not sure, he was alright once he'd calmed down over the whole money thing and even said he'd been talking to people in work who have had similar issues with nursery fees. The woman he's out with is a friend and I don't think he'd cheat, he's said to me in the past that he's had the opportunity to sleep with her and turned her down citing me (as in no I'm not single).

I'm really at a loss. If this was yesterday or today hadn't been so calm I might be more keen to leave? I don't know think now is a good time I think it might cause more drama

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 13-Feb-16 14:50:26

I second what was said about leaving while.you have the chance.

He has already been violent in front if you and DS, and it has not stopped him going on to financially and emotionally abuse you yesterday (you don't get a reward because you've pissed him off? What the fuck?)

This tells you that you and DS are not safe while you are living with him.

I'd leave now, or if the house is in your name, pack his stuff and have it waiting for him outside.

Please don't stay with a man who treats you and your DS like this.

bendybootpumpkinpatch Sat 13-Feb-16 14:52:00

Wow I think the potential other woman is the least of your problems. He is treating you terribly. He sounds awful.
Perhaps you should go to your parents for a few days after all.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Sat 13-Feb-16 14:53:20

Take DS, go to your mums, and don't come back, regardless of anything he says.

He is abusive, emotionally, physically (hands around neck), financially, sexually (all that effort for another woman).

This NEVER gets better, only worse.

Take this chance, and run.

Thisismyalias Sat 13-Feb-16 14:56:45

Oh sweetheart leave. Pack your bags take your child and go. This is no way to live. For you or your child.

TresDesolee Sat 13-Feb-16 14:57:17

Jolee, you and your son are not safe with this man.

The fact that he blows hot and cold and is sometimes nice to you doesn't mean this isn't domestic violence - it is, I'm afraid. It's a textbook case.

He's an abuser and you need to find the support you need to decide what you're going to do. Please ring the helpline - 0808 2000 247. It doesn't mean you have to leave him right now or chuck him out. But you do need someone to support you.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Sat 13-Feb-16 14:57:19

Remember, it's a cycle. Nice, calm, lovely. Stressy, angry, controlling. Huge abusive explosion. Remorse apologies, regret. Nice, calm, lovely.

Rinse and repeat for ever, whilst always getting worse.

All abusers are also 'nice'. It's part of the abuse and is the hook that keeps you there.

rosieliveson1 Sat 13-Feb-16 14:59:47

This doesn't sound like a happy relationship. I was once in a relationship where DP's moods were unpredictable. I realised that, even when things were good, I was on tenterhooks waiting for something to tip his mood. Do you feel like this?
Personally, I feel his attitude to your taking the bus and finances verges on übercontrolling behaviour. I think the 'punishment' of no valentine, coupled with him meeting his friend today (female friend on a day when most couples are celebrating together) is emotional abuse. Whether he means it to be or not.
Honestly, I'd leave. I'd pack enough things for a few days minimum and go. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I can almost guarantee he will be angry and blame you rather than upset and remorseful.

littlejolee Sat 13-Feb-16 15:04:59

Thank you everyone for your replies, in don't know if I want to leave I do love him and I think he loves me, I must sound like such a wimp! Going to call the helpline and see what they say. I don't think leaving right now is a good idea though

cece Sat 13-Feb-16 15:05:06

I will also add that if Nursery witnessed any of this then they have a duty of care to your ds. It will be regarded as a safe guarding issue if not a child protection issue.

GoldfishCrackers Sat 13-Feb-16 15:06:41

My stomach is in knots reading this. God knows how you must be feeling.

What really stands out to me is that after he's been aggressive and bullying, and basically treating you like an underperforming slave, he offers you a few crumbs (snuggle) and because you're so glad the awful part has ended, you accept. I remember doing the same when I was in an abusive relationship. He arbitrarily decides whether your day will be hellish or OK and it turns on a dime.

The thing is, you know how bad it can get. That's the whole point of abuse - the abuser doesn't have to go to the effort of assaulting you all the time as the unspoken threat is there. When he was being an absolute prick at the nursery, your focus was on how when he was similarly angry he assaulted you in the street. You had no space to get righteously pissed-off at him. So of course you appease and don't challenge him. Even later you just allow things to slip into normal mode when he signals that it's time to do that.

And here's the kicker: he has a 'date' with a woman who fancies him, and he gets all spruced up for it. And you're still reeling from yesterday, not sure if it'll escalate back up to where he left off, relieved he didn't go totally crazy, so you're not going to say a word of complaint about his date. I'd put money on the whole thing from start to finish being to get you to this point. Google the cycle of abuse.

littlejolee Sat 13-Feb-16 15:06:53

No they didn't witness any of it, he was visibly angry in nursery reception area but I didn't cry until we were outside

TresDesolee Sat 13-Feb-16 15:09:13

Well done Jolee.

It's hard if you love him and you think he may love you. Unfortunately love doesn't mean he's not being abusive.

Think about your son. He needs to be safe and he needs his mum to be safe.

Good luck with the helpline - I hope it's useful. flowers

rosieliveson1 Sat 13-Feb-16 15:10:53

I hope you can get some good advice

karigan Sat 13-Feb-16 15:13:06

This sounds horrible to have to live with. Poor you. Xxx

cece Sat 13-Feb-16 15:15:32

If he was angry in reception they might well have noticed. You would be surprised what teachers notice.

ChristmasEvePJs Sat 13-Feb-16 15:19:09

Get out, please go when you have the chance. I have been where you are and it was the scariest move I ever made, but the best.

ScarletForYa Sat 13-Feb-16 15:20:11

he got into a huge fist fight with his sister

Right there us when you should have realised you needed to leave.

And now he's out on a date with a woman that fancies him but he claims to have turned down?

I think he sees you as the nanny really OP.

Regardless of that, he's a violent, abusive arsehole, you need to either leave our kick him out.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now