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Was I In The Wrong?

(27 Posts)
Bella71 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:22:51

I've been with H for one year. We see each other maybe twice a week on average, he always comes to my house, we watch a dvd, have sex, sleep and then that's about it until the next time. On the whole I guess I'm pretty unsatisfied with the relationship but he has some kind of pull that I struggle to resist. I suppose, despite its negativities, the relationship suits me because it gives me company a couple of times a week with no expectation of more, which at this point in my life, I'm unable to give, nor do I want to. I'm a single parent to 4 children and I run my own business so I'm quite busy. H has made it clear on several occasions that he's not looking for marriage and that we wouldn't live together for at least another 5-10 years because of my children and his (there isn't enough room in either house for all the children). I'm fine with this because I don't actually think we have enough in common to live together or make this long term but it seems to suit us both at the moment.

My issue that I'd like advice on is this: My adult daughter met and started a relationship with a man in a different country. He's now coming over here to live and they have asked if he can stay here, in our home, until he gets on his feet and finds a place. I have agreed. When I told H about this he was really angry and said, "You have not considered me or us in this. Nor did you have the respect for me to discuss this with me before agreeing to anything."

This led to two solid days of arguing as I don't feel that I need to discuss this decision with him as he doesn't live here with us, isn't likely to and isn't involved in my childrens' lives. His argument is that I will be allowing my daughter and her boyfriend to stay in my bedroom while I move into hers (mine is bigger) and H feels that as my new bedroom will adjoin my other daughter's bedroom we won't be able to have sex and he won't be able to sleep round. I said that I could stay round his house instead (when I can) which he eventually agreed would have to happen and upon questioning agreed that there didn't appear to be any other option anyway so I would have had to have made the same choice even if I'd discussed it with him.

H has told me that he thinks my attitude stinks and that I'm in the wrong by not consulting him first. I think the opposite. I honestly don't see why I needed to discuss this with him first when it's my house and my children and is only for the short term anyway.

We discussed/argued about how he doesn't involve me in the decision making of his life, he argued that he always tells me about anything he's doing, to which I replied that was exactly my point, he tells me, not discusses but he thinks that's ok. (I think it's ok too, I don't ask to be involved in his decision making, I appreciate that our relationship isn't like that, even though some decisions he makes, does affect us/the time we see each other.)

So, we're at a bit of an impasse and I don't know how to move on from it. Was I in the wrong to not include him in the decision making?

Oysterbabe Sat 13-Feb-16 12:28:33

No you are not unreasonable. It was entirely your call. He is being a dick.

Arfarfanarf Sat 13-Feb-16 12:32:49

You dont live together. You arent a family. He's just a bloke you fuck a couple of times a week. He doesnt get to dictate what happens in your house. He cant on the one hand tell you this is the arrangement that suits you and he doesnt want more commitment and on the other hand act like there's such a thing as a joint decision re your family matters. That's not how it works.

Arfarfanarf Sat 13-Feb-16 12:33:31

Suits him, not you. Sorry.

Joysmum Sat 13-Feb-16 12:40:30

If all your doing is mirroring how he is with you with his decision making then he's being an arse.

tribpot Sat 13-Feb-16 12:43:44

This is a completely casual arrangement, barely Friends With Benefits given you don't really seem to be friends. Do you actually enjoy spending time with him, do you talk about stuff or is the DVD basically to fill in some time without talking before having sex and going to sleep ?

It's obviously suited him as there must have been almost no effort for him - I'm guessing you're providing the food as well as the accommodation during these visits? You've made a decision which impacts on what he clearly feels entitled to. Boo hoo.

I'd look for a FWB that you can actually enjoy spending time with.

hesterton Sat 13-Feb-16 12:47:42

How fucking dare he. One year in and not living together? You do exactly what's right for you and your children. Extraordinary.

IAmPissedOffWithAHeadmaster Sat 13-Feb-16 12:50:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache Sat 13-Feb-16 12:52:56

Your DD's partner is only going to be living with you temporarily and your boyfriend has explicitly said that he doesn't want to marry you or move in with you in the medium term. He really doesn't get a say. You've done nothing wrong. flowers

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:54:19

Agree with pps. He doesn't live there, he's treating you like a fuckbuddy, and he thinks you should consult him on your life decisions. Byebye.

Bella71 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:54:53

tribpot ~ Yes sometimes. We share a similar sense of humour so we do have fun together at times. As for talking, that doesn't happen and I'm acutely aware of that, hence why I know this will never really be more than it is. He talks and talks about his day/children/work/life. I usually get in about 1 word to his hundred. I never talk about what I'm really passionate about because he doesn't share that passion and isn't interested in hearing about it without arguing about it.

I'm very aware that there's very little here that sounds positive but when we're together, something clicks enough for us to keep doing it.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sat 13-Feb-16 12:58:19

Sexual attraction is not enough for a lifelong relationship, OP, especially when the guy in question is a dick. Trust me, I know.

FoxFeatures Sat 13-Feb-16 13:01:36

He must be cracking in bed. I can't see any other point in having anything to do what th him otherwise.

LovelyFriend Sat 13-Feb-16 13:06:46

Of course you weren't in the wrong. He is being a dick.

LovelyFriend Sat 13-Feb-16 13:07:56

If you were living together the 100/1 word ratio would become unbearable very quickly

Finola1step Sat 13-Feb-16 13:08:07

Aah the poor didums. He has had his nose put out of joint because a younger male is coming into the house and taking over his spot. He might get put off from his "performance" ahem.

He is just a bf. He doesn't get a say in the running of your household because he doesn't contribute to it.

I think you know that this relationship has very little mileage left in it.

FishWithABicycle Sat 13-Feb-16 13:25:21

Yanbu and he is an arse.

Doingmyheadin2016 Sat 13-Feb-16 13:28:09

Well he's told you what he's bothered about - the sex. That's why his nose has been put out of joint.

tribpot Sat 13-Feb-16 13:32:58

God so he really is using you, isn't he? Comes round to offload about his daily life but won't do you the same courtesy in return, eats your food, sleeps in your bed, then fucks off again. And point blank refuses to engage in a discussion about the topic you are passionate about, using arguing as a way to kill that topic of conversation. He really doesn't like you at all.

I would question why you're willing to put up with so little. I get that a part-time relationship suits your circumstances, but this non-relationship is so one-sided.

winkywinkola Sat 13-Feb-16 15:24:36

He sounds like a real bore.

Is that all you do together? And you're supposed to be in the early stages of a relationship? Christ. He makes no other effort? That in itself is worth binning him.

He has absolutely zero say in who comes and stays in your house. It is your house. Your life. Your family.

Not his.

Tell him to piss off. Seriously.

timelytess Sat 13-Feb-16 15:28:47

He has no ownership of you and no rights over your property. Don't discuss your decisions with him, and certainly don't consult him in advance.

I would strongly suggest you don't house overseas husband though, and if you do, don't give up your room. You will need to be absolutely clear with your daughter and her husband about whose house it is, or you'll end up feeling like a stranger in your own home.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 13-Feb-16 15:33:59

You sound too nice to him and to your daughter and her boyfriend - on the one hand it's none of his business, on the other, why are you giving up your room? Stand up for yourself on both counts and stop letting them all take the piss

sooperdooper Sat 13-Feb-16 15:39:26

He's being utterly unreasonable and an arse, it's none of his business what your family arrangements are in your own home!

It also sounds like it's just a stop gap kind of relationship for you both, which is fine if that's what suit you but it doesn't give him the right to start laying down the law like this, tell him to do one

On another topic though, I'd be wary of giving up your room etc, they might never leave if it's too comfortable! Does your dd live with you now? I'd say they stay in her room

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 13-Feb-16 16:16:27

"He doesn't get a say in the running of your household because he doesn't contribute to it."

This, a thousand times.

He's a complete arse with a gargantuan sense of entitlement. Tell him to eff off!

cuntycowfacemonkey Sat 13-Feb-16 16:23:52

Well he sounds like a bit of a tosser. If you are happy with your current set up then continue but I certainly wouldn't consider him anything more than a casual shag, can you imagine what he'd be like if you did live together

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