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Anger issues

6 replies

daisyfraser · 13/02/2016 11:33

Don't know if this is the right thread.
I'm starting to get to the end of the road with my father's anger.
He has now driven away his second wife with his uncompromising rages, usually directed at utilities companies which let him down.
But even when dealing with them and they're trying to help he finds some reason to express rage. He seems to have lost perspective completely.
He now lives alone on a hill in France with a dog and the internet is his lifeline.

He used to be such a fun and amusing man most of my life, but he's turning into a monster. Only his two younger children (14 and 16 and whose contact visits are tightly controlled by my step-mother) seem to bring him any joy in life.
He does have health issues (prostate pain and general ageing at 77) which are being dealt with and I realise that, but he actively looks for things to get angry about.
What can I say or do to get home to him the unpleasantness of his behaviour?
Thank you for reading.
DF

OP posts:

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goodnightdarthvader1 · 13/02/2016 13:00

usually directed at utilities companies which let him down.

Yes, it's a constant problem.

Sorry, I don't understand this at all. He's getting angry at utility companies and therefore driving everyone away? There must be more to this.

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pocketsaviour · 13/02/2016 14:36

What can I say or do to get home to him the unpleasantness of his behaviour?

How about, "I find talking to you or spending time with you incredibly stressful and upsetting due to your unrelenting anger. So until you've sought treatment to improve your attitude, I won't be speaking to you."

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ScarletBegonias · 13/02/2016 16:15

usually directed at utilities companies which let him down.

From my own long-running dealings with British Gas, I can easily imagine them bringing out the Victor Meldrew in certain men past retirement age - but I know this isn't funny and I'd agree with darth that that kind of irritation doesn't sound sufficient to cause such strong and prolonged rage. It does seem like there must be other reasons.

I suppose OP that if you want to maintain contact with him you need to get him to focus on his more positive feelings towards the younger children (and the dog, assuming he's still on good terms with the dog). At the same time, as pocket suggests, you probably should try to make sure he understands how unpleasant his behaviour is for you - and disappointing, given how much you used to enjoy his company.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/02/2016 16:24

"He now lives alone on a hill in France with a dog"

Sounds like the best place for him, although I'm feeling quite sorry for the dog.

Make it clear to him that you think his circumstances are a direct result of his unpleasant behaviour. That won't change unless he does.

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cornwallandson · 13/02/2016 19:41

You say that your Dad didn't used to be like this.
If he has had a significant personality change I would wonder if there is an underlying dementia causing his short temper? Has he changed in other ways e.g. making inappropriate (sexual) remarks, word finding difficulty or memory problems?

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daisyfraser · 13/02/2016 21:45

So touched by all these responses. I didn't expect anyone would be interested in my sad story, so only just checked back.

I decided not to tolerate it any longer today, in fact (a visit to the Orange shop was bringing out the absolute worst). Though it is scary to behold and unpredictable in the sense he could kick off if you challenge him, I decided not to back down.
He actually eventually apologised for his irritability and then confessed that he gets furious wasting time over these issues because 'I'm running out of time' and he resents spending it on these stupid things. Which I understand. But then France is not the best place to be living, given that they love spending time on making things so complicated just for the hell of it. And anyway, the only thing he'd be doing is painting another wall of the gite or watching the rugby.

I agree with several that there are other underlying reasons and I don't know how to drill down to those. (Losing all his money in investments that went wrong? How I get him through that I don't know. My step-mother couldn't and she was apparently willing to stand by him.)

This evening there seems to be a sort of calm in the air. Poss as a result of standing my ground. Shame I had to get so stressed beforehand.
Long may it last.

Thank you - it's so true that reaching out to others can help a lot. xx