Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

the whole step parent thing...

(24 Posts)
emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:07:44

Hi all
Need some advice cause right now I feel like wrapping my hands around my SO's throat and strangling him to death
I am so pissed off and frustrated!
He gets so irritated and annoyed with my 8 year old..
like normal kids stuff..
like just now he went to turn the tv off and she gave him a sulky face. he threw down the remote stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door.
I went to talk to him and he was in an absolute shit mood ..
'she snobs me off..she never listens.. I'm going to give up trying to be a step dad to her..'

I told him that his reaction was pathetic... that he is a grown man
and he should have talked to her.. instead of reacting like a child and storming off.
that he really doesn't make much effort with her..
he doesn't talk to her.. or really do all that much with her.

he always does this
he just whinges .. she does this.. she doesn't listen..
I ask her to do things and she doesn't listen
BUT instead of talking to her or disciplining her like a parent
he just throws at tantrum and sulks off
I am getting so sick and tired of it....
She is a kid and she's a good kid
but like ALL kids.. sometimes she whinges, doesn't listen or makes a mess
but that is children
and I am sick and tired of him reacting like a spolit brat throwing a temper tantrum
I don't know how to get to him to understand..
if he wants a different reaction out of her.. he needs to change how HE reacts to her
and that storming off slamming doors isn't the way to react!

Waltermittythesequel Sat 13-Feb-16 10:12:25

You can't make him do it.

It sounds like he has no interest in being any sort of parent to her. And if that's the case then it won't work out.

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:15:47

but thats the thing
he doesn't understand that
he thinks he is acting like a step parent and that he should be treated like one
he cannot at all understand that he isn't behaving like one
no matter how i try to explain it

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 10:21:29

Does he have kids himself?

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:28:30

no.. he doesn't have any of his own kids

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:31:31

he wants to be respected as a step dad without behaving like one.. he never talks to her or says to me.. hey im gonna take her out to the movies or to dinner..
i've told him he needs to do alone things with her , to bond with her
but he doesn't.
i told him when she doesn't listen to him ect
to tell her off or send her to her room
but he doesn't
he just storms off..
he does not understand this at all
he thinks it's all her fault

Iamdobby63 Sat 13-Feb-16 10:34:44

Who is the adult!?

Classic step parent issues which is mostly lack of patience with a child who is not yours and have high expectations of that child.

Top and bottom line is that she is the child and, as the adult, it's up to him to make the effort.

He needs to understand it won't magically happen.

My advice would be to guide him within their relationship, encourage them to do things together and explain to him that this is just what kids do and he will have good days and bad days with her - and that he shouldn't take it so personally. Remind him he is the adult.

I would also warn him that I am not prepared to raise her in this environment as it will have an effect on her at some point.

kittybiscuits Sat 13-Feb-16 10:37:53

What's your housing situation? Don't kill him, just end it. He sounds like a complete jerkoff.

RudeElf Sat 13-Feb-16 10:39:16

I've found that some people who dont have children have this idealistic and very rigid idea of what parenting looks like and, more dangerously, what 'good' children look like. They dont seem to consider children as people with thoughts and feelings of their own and just expect total obedience because an adult gave them an order. Some people grow out of it when they have children and some never do.

I think you need to work out which type he is and whether thats something your daughter needs in her life.

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:39:21

it's my house.. I own it.

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 10:42:46

Then I imagine his concept of 'how it should be' is one born of inexperience and a lack of emotional intelligence. Children are not factory produced toys that will just behave according to the manual. He's being an idiot.

ArmfulOfRoses Sat 13-Feb-16 10:42:48

Apart from the fact that he is treating your daughter dreadfully, sulking isn't exactly sexy is it?

I would be issuing an ultimatum or just kicking him out.
Stick up for your dd.

RudeElf Sat 13-Feb-16 10:46:28

Fwiw my exp, my children's father, is the latter of the two i spoke about. He never changed his mindset even after becoming a father. He has little to do with them now. They are inconvenient to him. He only lived with them because he was living with me if that makes sense. He has no interest in actually being a father.

Does your partner want to be a parent or is he just accepting he has to be because he is with you? There is a difference. Only one qualifies him for the role in my book.

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 10:50:02

nope it's not sexy
i always stick up for her..
i feel like the meat in the sandwich.
he just doesn't get it.
it's always how he is treated..his feelings
he is completely blind to how he behaves or what he does wrong

kittybiscuits Sat 13-Feb-16 10:50:36

I think that makes it a no brainer then OP

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 10:51:33

I agree RudeElf - he's throwing a strop and sulking because his stepdaughter isn't falling in with his concept of how kids ought to behave.

What an arrogant fool.

ArmfulOfRoses Sat 13-Feb-16 10:51:42

There's your answer.

RudeElf Sat 13-Feb-16 10:55:03

If you are always having to stick up for someone that means they are always under attack.

Think about that for a second.

You are defending your 8 year old child in her own home from a grown adult man who has no right to be there except by your invitation.

Is there something wrong with that sentence? Doesnt sound right to me.

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 10:55:30

What an unattractive prospect he sounds.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 13-Feb-16 10:55:52

Fuck him off. Your primary relationship needs to be with your daughter- and he doesn't add to that does he? There comes a point when you're a parent that you have to put your child first, no matter what you feel for him or how much you would miss him- he's not worthy of being your child's step father.

emmiebelle Sat 13-Feb-16 11:01:38

i don't think I would miss him .. the way I feel right now
just wanting other opinons
as I spoke about this with a friend of mine
who said I should stand up for my so and tell my kid off for not listening to him and doing what he asks her to do
she said when she asks her kids to do something and they dont her husband always backs her up
and i should back my so up

pictish Sat 13-Feb-16 11:07:00

Her pulling a face isn't exactly a shocking rebellion is it?

ArmfulOfRoses Sat 13-Feb-16 11:17:23

Presumably your friend isn't throwing things and stopping off to her bedroom when the child hasn't listened though?

I wouldn't stick up for a partner that thought it their place to discipline my child but had no interest in actually parenting them.

magoria Sat 13-Feb-16 11:17:51

Why did he go to turn the TV off? Did he ask her to and she didn't? Did he just decide to turn it off with out her knowledge?

He does need to change his reaction massively. She is never going to respect or respond to someone who acts like her.

Would parenting classes give him parenting methods to try?

If he asked her to and she didn't then you need to back him up with her ignoring him. 'X asked you to turn the TV off because we are leaving in 5 minutes you were rude to ignore him and pull faces turn it off right now' etc.

If he just decided to turn the TV off for no good reason that is a whole different kettle of fish.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now