marriage in trouble and I'm terrified

[wildatheart2]

I'm really struggling with my life at the moment. I'm feeling really down but I can't work out whether that's as a result of the problems in my marriage or if the depression comes first, I'm just so confused. DH says that he needs more love and affection from me but I just want to shut myself away. To be honest I'm not sure whether I want to be with him any more but the thought of splitting up is just so terrifying and I hate to think about the effect it would have on our DD (she's only 2).
He's a good man and a great dad but I just find myself getting irritated with him over everything and I really don't want to be physical with him at all. Even sharing a bed is difficult, I woke up last night feeling really panicky because I felt like he was suffocating me. He's often sleeping on the sofa because I push him away so much. I know that he loves me and it's really hurting him to be rejected all the time and I hate that I'm doing it to him.
We've been having couples counselling and it's been suggested that I have some individual counselling to deal with intimacy issues.
Should I leave to give me the space that I crave and him the chance to find real intimacy with someone else? Or can anyone see a way for things to get better?

[mrsmeerkat]

Have you been seen about depression op? I have a dc similar age and another since and I can sympathise about wanting space.

I think you can work through things but try and get a bit of help. It's a nightmare but life can be good again

[timelytess]

Are you getting help for the depression? It could be behind everything you mention.

[wildatheart2]

No I'm not getting any help at the moment. I was on ADs for a long time and found it very hard to come off them so I'm reluctant to go down that route again. I learned to manage things in other ways (meditation, writing, having time out) but all of that's gone out of the window since having DD and I think it's caught up with me. I've always struggled with intimacy but the more down I feel the more I feel disgusted at the thought of it. Poor DH is very patient but I know he feels like I'm disgusted by him which must be so horrible. I'm not being the wife or mother that I want to be and I know I need to change but I don't know what to do to make things better. I know it's normal to need time out (my friends all say the same) but I feel so guilty and also I'm a bit scared that if I leave then I might not want to come back.

[goddessofsmallthings]

It seems to me that any confusion you're feeling is due to depression and, as your former coping strategies of "meditation, writing, having time out" are not compatible with having young dc, you should bite the bullet and accept that you need the help ADs provide and that you may have to stay on this medication for some years, or at least until indivdual counselling has uncovered the root cause(s) of the issues you have with intimacy.

I would also suggest that you invest in a BetterYou Dlux 3000iu Vitamin D Oral Spray which can found for c£7-8 on eBay as a deficiency of this particular vitamin is common for those who live in northern climes, particularly during the winter months, and irritability, depression, and mental confusion are symptoms of an inadequate intake of the 'sunshine vitamin'.' Keep the little bottle by your toothbrush so that you won't forget to use it every day - it has a lovely minty taste and you may find that your spirits have lifted within a couple of weeks.

[timelytess]

Try to get some counselling. Its very helpful. And learn about mindfulness.

[goddessofsmallthings]

In case anyone should suspect that I'm promoting a product, DLux Vit D Spray is something I read about on the General Health board where it is highly recommended by those who suffer from the winter blues, or find they're less content or clear thinking than they used to be.

I'm very happy in my own skin and I love my life, but around November time I began to feel that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and felt my thinking was becoming fogbound. This little spray worked a minor miracle for me with the result that I feel quite missionary about it, and more particularly after discovering that Vitamin D is issued freely to residents of Germany.

[wildatheart2]

Thanks for that advice goddessofsmallthings, I'll definitely look into the vitamin spray because I always tend to struggle around this time of year. I get what you're saying about ADs but the trouble is I didn't actually find that they helped when I was on them. For the most part I've been better not on them. I also had side effects, including loss of sensation during sex, which doesn't help with the intimacy!
I am going to get some individual counselling as well so hopefully that will help.