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I've never been this angry at DH before and I'm not sure what to do.

(275 Posts)
KeepsAwayTheNargles Fri 12-Feb-16 18:26:43

I'll try and keep this as un-rambly as possible... DH has a female friend who he has known for a very long time before he met me, yet who I have never met (together 3 years, married 2). I know they've had a flirty and close relationship but nothing physical ever (he wanted a long term relationship which she didn't). When I was pregnant with DS he asked me to check what a notification was on his phone and it was a text from her saying "thanks for the other day xx" and when I opened the message stream it turned out he'd been to see her on his way home from work (comes home at variable times so nothing looked suspect) for a bit over an hour and not told me/mentioned it, just acted like he'd come in from work. Needless to say I was unimpressed but he apologised and I let it go.

This evening DS was playing with his phone while he was out of the room, I noticed he'd managed to open the text screen so took it off him before he texted anyone gobbledegook and lo and behold, he's been texting her. The last message showing was from him - "I know, I'm being naughty, I'll stop lol x"

So I opened the thread and it was her whinging about her ex at which point he started with "if things had been different, missed your chance" stuff and she said that she thought "your wifey would be unimpressed if she knew you were talking like this" hence the last message from him.

I am fucking furious. I already had eroded trust due to the not telling me he'd been to see her, as normally if he drops in on a friend on the way home he tells me as part of the usual "how was your day" small talk, so it seems like a deliberate omission.

I only skim read the messages as DS was there climbing on me, and when DH came back into the room I gestured with the phone and said something sarcastic so he knew straight away.

We had a brief conversation in the kitchen during which he grovelled and apologised for "going too far while trying to comfort a friend" hmm

Then during the bedtime process he said he had "deleted her completely off my phone now", apparently by way of apology but it seems to me more like clearing away evidence!

I am furious. I barely trust him now. We were supposed to be having a date night once DS was in bed and are actually going out on a date tomorrow (just dinner and a movie) but I don't want to now. I don't want to be anywhere near him. He thinks I'm massively overeating. Am I??

I don't know what to do from this point sad

KeepsAwayTheNargles Fri 12-Feb-16 18:27:49

I should add at the beginning of our relationship he did a similar thing which ended with him choosing to cut off all contact to try and appease me...

BigSandyBalls2015 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:30:37

You're not over-reacting at all, I'd be absolutely livid. He's making you feel like second best, as though if things had been different he wouldn't be married to you. Horrible, and if he can't see that then I don't know how you can move forward.

Imagine if the situation was reversed, how would he feel?

Iamdobby63 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:31:00

Did a similar thing? With the same woman?

For what it's worth I don't think you are over reacting, I too would be furious, more at the secrecy of it all.

Why haven't you met her if she means so much to him?

AnyFucker Fri 12-Feb-16 18:32:03

Cutting off all contact in such a dramatic fashion is a red flag. There is something he doesn't want you to know, hence the erasing of all evidence and opportunity for her to put you in the picture

And he has done the same thing before?

You know he is dodgy. Not sure an apology should cut it this time.

SmillasSenseOfSnow Fri 12-Feb-16 18:32:58

I should add at the beginning of our relationship he did a similar thing which ended with him choosing to cut off all contact to try and appease me...

Sounds like a joker.

A joker who is taking you for a mug.

Iamdobby63 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:33:14

Yes probably didn't want her to be able to contact this woman!

magoria Fri 12-Feb-16 18:33:31

Was it the same person he did this with at the start?

Either way he seems happy to flirt with other women, tell them if only and lie by omission to you.

I would always wonder how many other times. If he had stepped over the line or if he would if you hadn't seen the texts.

I wouldn't trust him and would certainly not be off out on dates with him right now.

Notice how after his initial grovel and apology he is now making it your fault and you are over reacting.

His sorry didn't last very long did it?

I also agree with evidence is now gone. Crappy apology as he knows where she lives and can pop in any evening on the way home really...

Hissy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:34:03

Wifey? WIFEY?

She's no fucking friend! Not to him and certainly not to your marriage.

She goes. Or he does. How dare he!

I'm livid on your behalf!

As you can probably tell... grin

HackAttack Fri 12-Feb-16 18:34:25

I'm watching because my husband did something similar a few months back and I'm still trying to be okay with it. He's grovelled and continues to try to win my trust but half the problem is I wonder if I'll ever feel the same way sad

MoreGilmoreGirls Fri 12-Feb-16 18:34:47

You are not overreacting. If she's just a friend you should have met her by now. I'm afraid I would not trust him after this. Not sure where you go from here but he needs to cut back on seeing her and texting her for a while and start being honest / transparent with you. Sorry you are going through this flowers

AnyFucker Fri 12-Feb-16 18:35:24

I think she is keeping him at arm's length with that reply

It certainly looks like he is the one driving this extramarital adventure

cuntycowfacemonkey Fri 12-Feb-16 18:36:49

Deleting her off his phone is an empty gesture. I'd be showing him the door (I can guarantee the first person he runs to would be her)

Hissy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:37:06

I'd demand to see the texts... Now he's deleted them you can't, but all "dates" would be off until he resolved this

How would he feel if you did everything He has done? Ask him! You know there are things he has no need to admit to now, but he knows what they are.

All those things... He'd be fine you doing with someone else? Anyone else?

Iamdobby63 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:37:21

Wait! I missed the 'your wifey' comment, that's very disrespectful and piss taking imo

VimFuego101 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:37:44

Cutting off all contact in such a dramatic fashion is a red flag. There is something he doesn't want you to know, hence the erasing of all evidence and opportunity for her to put you in the picture

AnyFucker hits the nail on the head as always. You are not overreacting at all.

Didiusfalco Fri 12-Feb-16 18:39:02

No, youre not over-reacting, and i think youre dead right about him deleting the evidence too. the wording of the texts 'wifey' 'naughty' is grim - not respectful to you at all. His boundaries are messed up. Do you feel second choice? What do you want to do now?

KeepsAwayTheNargles Fri 12-Feb-16 18:43:48

Oh god sad I didn't think I was.

He's doing what he always does when I'm pissed off about something, he keeps trying to hug me and stuff and has offered me a footrub FFS hmm he's off putting DS to bed now.

I really don't know what to do. My mum is supposed to be babysitting tomorrow so if I call it off I'll have to tell her why. I feel like such a twat.

It wasn't the same person at the beginning of a relationship it was a woman he met at a festival who was massively out of his league who he'd been pursuing on and off for a year before meeting me.

Everyone thinks he's lovely and a total "marriage guy" but I'm not so sure now about this other side of him. I want to go and get drunk with my best friend but no way of getting to her as she lives far away sad

IguanaTail Fri 12-Feb-16 18:44:51

£50 says she's still on his phone, just under another name "Dave" or "dry cleaning" or something. What are you going to do?

Chinks123 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:46:18

Cutting off all ties so fast is him going into panic mode, and I believe as a PP said also so you can't get in contact with her either. The wifey part has really niggled at me, she's taking the piss and he's not only letting her but is also instigating/encouraging her to talk about you like that and saying if things had been different..what he'd be with her angry they both sound like disrespectful knobs!

Witey. Ugh YANBU get more angry.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Fri 12-Feb-16 18:46:45

I don't trust him now. I'd be wanting to check his phone all the time. But even if I did he's got tons of time at work to do/say anything! His variable hours mean he could be anywhere really. I look after DS full time and work part time from home. I do feel like a total mug.

Now when I try to talk to him about it he's going to grovel and cry and shit. I have no idea what to do.

redteddy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:48:10

Sorry, you're right not to trust him.
Feel free to learn from my mistakes, I forgave the guy who did exactly the same thing to me. He was lovely, really sorry, seemed like he understood his mistake. Of course, two years later, it happened again but with a different woman.
Don't waste your time with someone you can't trust.

SeeYouTomorrow Fri 12-Feb-16 18:48:32

Your marriage is not what you think. He has a lady 'friend' who he probably shares confidences with that he doesn't with you. You are the punchline in their jokes. He is sharing intimacies with her that should be reserved for you. He doesn't sit around joking about her with you, does he? You are not special enough for that. It's sad. There are three people in your marriage. Given the opportunity (if he already hasn't) your husband would have sex with her, because he doesn't respect you and your marriage. He deleted her because you found out not because he realised that overstepping boundaries like this was wrong. He will do it again and next time he will be more secretive.

Disclaimer: the nature of my career means I have more male friends acquaintances than female. My husband has female friends. Neither of us have issues with this. No way would there be text exchanges of that sort between me and any of my friends. I respect my husband and our marriage too much for that.

I cannot give you any advice as I am quite rubbish at that sort of thing but I wanted to let you know that I do not believe you over-reacting

JolseBaby Fri 12-Feb-16 18:49:00

OK tough talking time...

If she so much as cocked a finger in his direction he'd be off there like a shot. You suspect as much, which is why it hurts that he is doing this - because you have correctly identified this as a major threat to your marriage.

It sounds like an unhealthy co-dependent mess between the two of them. She clearly enjoys the attention, otherwise she would have either cut contact or made it clear that she didn't want to hear it. My guess is that she likes the attention and it bolsters her self-esteem, so she probably tacitly encourages him to keep him interested and chasing her. It doesn't say much about her character though, bearing in mind she knows that he is married with a child.

As for him... There isn't any nice way to say this, but it honestly sounds like he is keeping you 'warm' because it suits him. He has a nice easy life and the excitement of naughty flirting with the woman that he's been keen on for years.

Given the history and the fact that you have challenged on this before, I would be seriously considering binning him.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Feb-16 18:49:14

Throw him out. See where he lands.

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