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Wanting to run away from a new relationship

(64 Posts)
bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 14:33:02

I've been seeing someone new and it has been going really well. When I'm with him we have a great time and he is respectful, kind and I like him a lot.

But when I'm on my own I feel I need to run away from the situation. I don't understand what is bothering me. I think I fear committing myself because I know things can go wrong and we both have children.

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 14:33:30

Does this mean I'm commitment phobic?

category12 Fri 12-Feb-16 14:36:46

It might. Or you might not be ready for something right now. Or maybe he's not right for you.

Probably if you want to run away, you should.

Bananalanacake Fri 12-Feb-16 14:45:02

Take it slowly, see him once or twice a week, keep your own interests, don't always be available and don't move in with him before 5 years.

TheNaze73 Fri 12-Feb-16 14:55:02

bananalanacake, that is absolutely bang on the money. Don't rush in when there's no need to

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 15:12:08

He has been quite full on with me which I don't like. But if I tell him, he does back off. The problem is that he seems to be afraid of being cheated on or for me to lose interest in him. I think he had quite a traumatic break up with his ex wife because they moved abroad to his home country and then she decided she didn't like it so she refused to go back and they split up. But this was 4 years ago.

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 15:13:52

I've been seeing him for about a month. It usually takes me about 4 months at least before telling someone I love them and he's already said it to me but we haven't even had sex yet.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 12-Feb-16 15:22:10

I think that's a bit fast biscuit.

HotNatured Fri 12-Feb-16 15:30:27

It sounds as if he has emotional issues that he should deal with before bringing those issues into a new relationship. You shouldn't have to deal w/ his insecurities, especially not at this early stage. Everything should be light hearted and moving at a healthy pace a month in.

I would hazard a guess that you're 'just not that into him' and move on.

Incidentally I have just met someone, and like you it's been a month. I think he's the best thing since slice bread and if I wasn't a sensible person, would be with him all the time. We both have strong feelings, some things you can't hide, but I know both of us are too careful to be dropping the L bomb yet. I think he is projecting his insecurities onto you, telling you he loves you this early on. After the emotional turmoil you say he has been through and not yet dealt with, love declarations a month in are a huge red flag.

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 15:36:02

The thing is that I am into him, at least I was - in fact it was me who contacted him first. I met him years ago and we got on well then but I was with someone else. I like him physically and as a person but can something like I've described negate that and make you not into them?

What is bothering me is that he seems to want me to guarantee that I'm going to stay with him and I feel as though he is pinning all his hopes on me without even knowing me well, yet. He also won't let me pay for anything.

He said that with his ex wife, everything went too fast and he kept on buying her things and running around her. Well now he is doing the same thing to me!

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Feb-16 15:40:42

I don't think you're committment phobic. I think your instincts are telling you that he's moving too fast, and you need to put the brakes on.

HotNatured Fri 12-Feb-16 15:51:56

Well you were into him... and now you're not. Happens all the time. I've been 'into' guys before, as soon as I spot a red flag, my instincts, self preservation and healthy self esteem make me not 'into' them. He sounds extremely needy and you sound suffocated by this. Understandably so. I would find that behaviour incredibly unattractive.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 12-Feb-16 15:52:04

Handling his vulnerability is his responsibility. His happiness is also his responsibility.

I think you should be clear, to yourself, what your expectations are. Seeing him twice a week, not saying "I love you" etc all sound very reasonable to me.

It might also be worth you reading up on Future Faking and Fast Forwarding (possibly from the Baggage Reclaim site??)

Hassled Fri 12-Feb-16 15:54:44

Just talk to him about how you feel. Say what you've said here - that you like him a lot, you enjoy spending time with him, but it all feels a bit much too soon and can you take things a bit slower? If he has a problem with that then he's probably not worth the angst.

Sallyingforth Fri 12-Feb-16 15:57:11

You have both had previous relationships that have ended. I think you should be taking this one slowly and cautiously. No commitment until you've known him much, much longer.

blindsider Fri 12-Feb-16 15:59:48

don't move in with him before 5 years.

what sort of bullshit one size fits all solution is this??

LeaLeander Fri 12-Feb-16 16:03:32

If he's this desperate and insecure when you have just started dating, imagine how he'd be a few years in? This sort of unhealthy obsession with a relationship turns into monitoring your phone calls, making you account for your time, critiquing what you wear, etc. Particularly so if his home country is a culture in which women are expected to be subservient to men.

I'd run for the hills.

meiisme Fri 12-Feb-16 16:04:58

His anxiety is not your responsibility. I once had a ONS turn into a two-year relationship because he said he had been messed about by his previous girlfriends and would feel really bad if this turned out to be something not serious again. Obviously it was much more painful to break up two years later than it would have been if I had held off commitment until I knew I actually wanted to be with him.

Cabrinha Fri 12-Feb-16 16:09:58

Someone who won't let you pay is very disrespectful. I'd drop him for that shit alone. I had a first date with a guy who slipped off and paid our dinner bill secretly despite me clearly saying twice that we would split it. I figure, if what they want is more important than your wishes this early on, when is it ever going to get better?

He sounds like hard work.

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 19:24:19

I'm not quite sure what to make of it. In the past I have tended to get into abusive relationships. So this time I tried to go for someone different. At first he seemed quite laid back.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 12-Feb-16 19:32:48

Your instincts are working perfectly op it's part of trying not to repeat an abusive relationship.
It maybe that he's not your classic obvious abuser, it sounds like he has unsolved emotional problems, and he's placing far too much on just 4 weeks of dating.

I think your instincts are telling you toward away. These types of personality can be hard to shake once they have their hooks in you. Your not responsible for his future happiness, he wants you to be it seems.

bodenbiscuit Fri 12-Feb-16 20:02:53

He said to me after the first date 'are we going somewhere?'

I am afraid that he wants a replacement to focus on after his wife left.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:01:22

Op I think you know this is not right for you, it's ok to acknowledge this and even more ok to act on it
People get in to bad situations because they dont have the confidence to trust themselves, I think your doing just fine, trust what I feel.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 12-Feb-16 21:01:44

Oops you feel confused

Allalonenow Fri 12-Feb-16 21:23:40

One of the often mentioned "Red Flags" here is that the new man moves much too fast, and that it is the first step in his begining controlling you.

It sounds as though this is what he is doing, and that is why you are so uneasy, listen to your gut feelings about him.

You mention that you have been in an abusive relationship before, so it's good that you are aware and careful, as unfortunately abusive men can home in on the more gentle type of woman.

I'd cool it with this man if I were you, his reaction will tell you a lot about him, and how he views you. Don't let yourself be pressured into staying with him.

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