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Husband paranoid about everything I do for baby!(7 Posts)
I've heard of precious firstborn syndrome and wonder whether my husband has it or his paranoia and lashing out at me over the things I do for my baby is somehow his way of trying to gain control of me and my patenting style.
Some examples of things I would allow that he thinks are deplorable include:
- giving DS golf balls at 12 months old to run down a second hand ball maze we were given that didn't have the original balls with it. DS was enthralled the first time he put a ball on the ramp himself and watched it go all the way down. Apparently too potentially hazardous. Golf balls back in their box at bottom of the wardrobe out of harms way.
- Not putting safety clips on our Citi Jogger Mini GT pushchair every time we use it. (For those of you familiar with this model, you'll probably not do this either - pushchair doesn't need them, manufacturers suggest you use them, presumably to cover their backs legally in case anything does happen when using them).
- when DS was 6 months old putting a cellotape-sealed glass salt and pepper bottle containing rice granules that he could shake in his treasure basket along with a beach pebble for sensory exploration. (Treasure basket long since decommissioned, but this still gets brought up against me).
- oh, so many more piddly little things, I won't bore you with the details...
DS is 13 months and I'm 4.5 months pregnant with the 2nd, but my husband has been like this since day 1 with DS. We've struggled to adapt to parenthood as a couple and things often take a turn for the worse with our relationship... I dread to consider this will worsen when DC#2 comes into the world... I suffered from postnatal depression the first time round and having your parenting decisions questioned at every little turn is demoralising in the best of circumstances, especially when you put every ounce of your energy and existence into making sure your child is cared for in the best possible way.
His argument would be that if things upset him, I should listen to him as the other parent and that I'm too controlling and make all the decisions on my own without consideration to him. This is difficult when I'm the primary carer as he's at work all day. Maybe I am too quick to dismiss his opinion as 'ridiculously paranoid', and am definitely in the liberal parent camp that you shouldn't wrap your kids in cotton wool but provide them with a safe and loving environment to explore filled with a wealth of sensory experiences. It's tough when there's a divergence of opinion...
I just wondered if anyone else had a husband or partner like this, and could let me know I'm not on my own? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
What is your relationship like generally. Is your husband using parenting differences to be emotionally abusive? It really sounds like he does not respect you. I think you need to focus on your relationship rather than the kids.
My husband lets me parent as I see fit 80 to 90% of the time. There are times when we have our disagreements. (Ie whether to force children to do home work, music practice etc. I am far more pushy than him.)
I can't comment on the pushchair but the other things seem perfectly safe with supervision. Yes, there needs to be discussion about parenting decisions but lashing out and repeatedly bringing things up sounds seriously OTT - is he generally anxious? It should also be possible to say "I don't think that's safe, I'd like us to make sure we..." rather than "you're a bad parent and you put our child in danger". Would I be right in guessing he doesn't do a lot of solo childcare?
I wouldn't have been happy about the glass and stroller clips either. Is it that if he doesn't mention them and something happened he could never forgive himself? I get that, sometimes having to state the (what I think is) obvious, just for peace of mind.
Re your comment:-
"His argument would be that if things upset him, I should listen to him as the other parent and that I'm too controlling and make all the decisions on my own without consideration to him"
He is projecting his own behaviour onto you and making all this out to be your fault. I do not like the sound of him at all and I would also think that his behaviour was also one factor amongst others in your PND. This is more than just a divergence of opinion; he is basically telling you that you are doing it all wrong. The above are some of many tactics amongst men who are at heart abusive in nature and these men do not change. I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.
What do you get out of this relationship now?
What is he like in other areas of your relationship with him?. Consider this and the previous question very carefully. I would think he is controlling pretty much in all aspects of your life with him.
Do do you listen to him?
With my DH and I it was the other way around and I didn't feel listens to or taken seriously.
You will have differing ideas in parenting but it's only if you don't express yourselves as to why you think the way you do that it becomes so much of a problem.
Thanks for your responses, they've helped clarify my own thoughts I've had. My husband is a very doting father (there's nothing he wouldn't do for DS), but as a couple it's certainly not all a bed of roses. He has been supportive of me: financially being the breadwinner in a stressful job, practically in stepping in and taking DS off me on occasion (daily when DS wakes up at 5am in fact, allowing me to lie in until 7am before starting my day), but I would certainly not say he's always supportive emotionally. His answer to the latter would be I always like to see myself as hard done by and that everything is always about me. He also thinks I blame him for raising concerns about things he's worried about and that I see myself as never doing wrong. If I'm going to be honest, I don't take his concerns seriously sometimes as quite frankly I think they verge on irrational and overly paranoid.
I do agree we need to concentrate on our relationship. The irony is while he's busy nit-picking about the little things, I can see the cracks widening in our relationship that will be ultimately detrimental to our children!
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