My partner grabbed me and shook me

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Background is we have been together 4.5 years and he has never hurt me before, never said anything abusive or anything. He's just not like that which is why I'm so shocked.

Last night he went out for a few drinks. When he came home we had some us time and things were lovely. However by the time we got to bed, the baby was waking up and he just wouldn't go back to sleep. My partner fell asleep while I was getting up every 2 minutes putting dummy in, feeding, settling down our baby etc and I was getting really fed up with it all.

I admit I was a bit of a nightmare but I was just so tired and didn't think I was going to get any sleep while he was sleeping there peacefully so I started moaning "oh for God sake he's not going to sleep", that kind of thing. My partner kept saying shhh. But I was like "It's 2.30 I've not had any sleep yet!!!". I was trying to get baby to take dummy at this point and he was just staring at me wide awake.

So I just stormed back over and jumped into bed and said "fuck this, I'm going to fucking sleep!". Basically leaving him to deal with it. It was his turn on the night feed (we always take it in turns; one does one night, the other does the other night) but he wasn't doing it, and although he had been out it would've been nice if he could have pitched in rather than just sleeping while I struggled so I was feeling a bit aggrieved by this.

Anyway, he jumped up, grabbed me by the shoulders, pinned me down into the mattress and shook me shouting "will you sort yourself out, for fuck sake!!!" and then muttered something along the lines of "fucking bitch" while he got up to get the baby.

I was in so much shock I just lay there and didn't move for 10 minutes. My neck hurt from the violent shaking and it's still stiff this morning. He just acted like nothing happened and I haven't said anything yet. I can't tell if I was being unreasonable and that's why he did it, but then no one deserves this do they?

I don't want to leave him before anyone offers this advice. He's never abused me before and I think this was just a sleep deprived one off, but a one off that has shocked me to the core tbh. Not sure what to do and I can't tell anyone else so asking for mumsnetters advice.

[Marchate]

You didn't assault him, and you were more tired than he was

[Iamdobby63]

No, no one deserves this, and it's not even about who was right and wrong about the argument - aggressive physical contact is always wrong.

I suggest you pick your moment and tell him clearly and firmly that he physically hurt you and scared you and you will NOT be treated this way, doesn't matter any excuse he comes up with what he did to you was wrong. There is no excuse for it.

You said he was out, had he been drinking? If so then again no excuse but is something he needs to address.

[MoominPie22]

You def need to confront him. There's no way he's forgotten so he's probably gonna follow your lead once u bring it up, but u can't not mention it. I would b tellin him just how shocked and upset I was by his behaviour, and that if he ever lays a finger one again he'll b out the fuckin door cos that'd b the end! That's wot I'd do anyways.
And make sure nxt time he goes out for drinks he sleeps in another room. He absolutely must b challenged and warned there'll b consequences otherwise it's a green light for him to behave like this in future.
He's behaved like a right dick! U need to get him told u won't put up with it.

[borisgudanov]

I wouldn't tell him that he was out of order.

I'd let the police do it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abuse thrives on secrecy; you have made a small but significant step by writing about what happened to you on here. You need to start talking to others like your GP and Womens Aid too.

He assaulted you and there is never any justification or excuse to commit such an act. I would get your injuries properly documented now with the GP. Please do this asap, today if possible.

Do not go down the routes of either blaming yourself or you provoked him because that way madness lies. What he did was wrong, if he had done that to a person in the street he would be arrested and probably charged with assault. Just because this has happened behind closed doors does not make what he did any better because it is not.

You do not know this man as well as you thought you did; you saw a side to him that was previously unknown to you. He crossed a line and it matters not a jot what you were like beforehand; there was no need for him to pin you and shake you in such a violent manner. This was about power and control.

There need to be consequences for his actions, you have no guarantee he will not do this again and I doubt he has said anything to you as yet about last night either. He is already acting like nothing has happened which gives him the green light to think that his actions were indeed correct.

He really does need to leave so it gives you more breathing space as well.

I would think about your current stance of "I do not want to leave him" an awful lot more before making such a decision. It may be one that has been made in haste/ You are in shock and disbelief and I think it would also do you a lot of good to be talking to someone like Womens Aid who will not judge you but give you further advise. You need to be brave and make that call today to them.

Some abusive men also start showing their true colours when their woman is pregnant; domestic violence (and this is domestic violence) can and often starts when the woman is pregnant or when they have children and are thus even more vulnerable.

[Resilience16]

Hi P,this is abuse. It is unlikely to be a one off. You can kid yourself that it is, you can make excuses for why it happened ,especially when you are in shock about it actually happening, but this should be a wake up call.
Please google "How a seemingly healthy relationship turns abusive" on the She knows site, it spell it out very clearly.Also contact Women's aid, they are open 24/7.Please don't pretend it never happened, this is a major red flag that this relationship ain't right.
Hug for you.

[ridemesideways]

He's just not like that

He is, I'm afraid. It happened.

Please make an emergency appointment with your gp to check your neck, and insist that your partner attends a violence programme. If he refuses then you'll have to consider your next steps.

Is he remorseful?

[ridemesideways]

Sorry, just read he's ignoring it. Not good. Abusers minimise their crimes by gaslighting and leading their victim to think it was their own fault...

[Marchate]

DV never starts on day 1. That's why you think he's not like that. He is like that. He did it

GP is a good idea if you don't feel able to phone the police

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Thing is, if he is an abusive man, surely there would have been some signs early than 4.5 years into the relationship? He's always respected me and cared about me... until that moment last night.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

*earlier than

[ridemesideways]

If he's not an abusive man then you should have received an apology and recognition that he was out of order, plus he would be asking how you are, if you're hurt, and he'd be looking for ways to ensure that this never, ever happens again.

Has he done any of those things?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"Thing is, if he is an abusive man, surely there would have been some signs early than 4.5 years into the relationship? He's always respected me and cared about me... until that moment last night".

He has well and truly blown it now and there need to be consequences from you for his actions. Its really over now after 4.5 years; how can you move on from this?. Short answer is that you cannot.

Abusive men can be and are often plausible to those in the outside world. Do not forget either that abuse is often insidious in its onset and there may well have been subtle signs of control, so subtle infact that these often get missed or minimised. He may well have been testing you throughout to see how much you would accept.

What happened to you last night is still not your fault and you should not at all minimise what has happened to you. Your injuries need to be looked at by a GP; are you able to see such a person today?.

[Marchate]

Not necessarily

It's worth having a forensic look over incidents where you came away from a disagreement feeling you were in the wrong, despite knowing you weren't. Or found yourself apologising for something you didn't do. Or excusing his odd behaviour to friends/family

[wotoodoo]

yes, kid yourself all you want. Why do you want to kid yourself though. He wasn't like it before but he is now. Things will never be the same again. He wants to forget it. Go along with that at your peril.

[ridemesideways]

A decent partner would be horrified and ashamed at themselves. And work to put things right.

[ridemesideways]

And even then it might be too late. This guy comes across as not giving a shit about what he did to you!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is doing more than just forgetting, he is acting like nothing has happened. Which to him is correct, he does not feel like he has acted out of turn here. There is neither remorse from him nor any acceptance of responsibility for his actions.

[ridemesideways]

I think this was just a sleep deprived one off

That's not your call to explain. How he deals with it will tell you a lot about who he is. That's not necessarily the man you've been with for 4.5 years, but it's the man you have now, who is supposed to love, protect and support you.

[Iamdobby63]

Very good advice to visit your GP, one to make sure your neck is ok and secondly for your husband to actually realise the severity of what he has done.

Whatever you do don't just brush this off.

[Joysmum]

A decent partner would be horrified and ashamed at themselves. And work to put things right

^
That!

[SleepyRoo]

OP - re your username; are you pregnant now?

[PregnantAndEngaged]

No, I was pregnant when I created the account. Our baby is 8 months old

[SleepyRoo]

If he were halfway decent he should be consumed by guilt, grovelling and swearing on his life he'll never touch you like that again.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Your head is probably reeling right now.

I'd be surprised if this has happened in a vacuum. I'm fairly sure that if you really started examining your relationship through a lens of looking for abusive/controlling/merely sexist behaviour, you'd see quite a few things. Lots of women only realise the true extent once they've lest, because in isolation each incident can be explained away, it's only when you see the bigger picture that the pattern emerges. Think carefully about his attitudes towards housework for example.

Let's say this is a one-off. It's rare such things are, but it can sometimes be the case. What you need to do in the case of a one-off is ensure that it is not repeated by putting in place clear, unpleasant consequences.

First off, I'd go to the doctor's. Ideally go to the police as well, but I suspect you're not ready for that and bullying you into it isn't going to help. When you see your H next, you tell him you've had to go to the Doctor for your injuries and you tell him that the doctor considers you to have been physically abused no matter what the provocation (far harder for him to dismiss than just your opinion). You tell him that you, too consider yourself to have been abused and that it has significantly affected how you feel about him to the extent where you are considering whether your marriage has any future. Even if you intend to stay your H basically needs to equate maltreatment of you with divorce and believe you mean it.

Then do nothing else other than research as much as you can about the legal and practical side of splitting up so that you are ready for it should you ever decide you want to do that. Leave the ball in your H's court.

If this is a genuine one-off, he will be remorseful in the extreme and be bending over backwards to make it up to you for the rest of your relationship.