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3 months away from wedding and I want to cancel it. WTF do I do

(156 Posts)
JeannieSimmons Thu 11-Feb-16 16:09:19

Ive recently had two dreams in which my partner and I had broken up. Both times I've woken up disappointed to realize that they were just dreams.

I'm in turmoil. We have a wedding booked to take place in 3 months and I know I don't want to do it but I feel like I'm being railroaded into it bby everyone around me who is "so looking forward to it and ooo look at this outfit I've bought for your big day". DP constantly moans and whines about every little thing. He constantly criticizes, gives me the silent treatment over stupid things, argues and controls things. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the negativity. I'm tired of him engineering arguments (usually spoiling something I've been really looking forward to).

I don't know what to do. I feel it's too late to stop the wedding. I even thought to myself I could just go ahead with it and then divorce him in a couple of years - then I realise how ridiculous that is.

The other night I was sat on the sofa messaging my son (who was upstairs) as he was showing me some clothes he wanted over facebook. DP had a right face on about it and then started saying "oh, this is the kind of relationship you want is it? one where we just sit texting other people whilst watching TV together? ok ... ". I explained the situation and even though he knew it was DS he still moaned and whined and complained and then even made me show him the messages to make sure I hadn't agreed to buy him loads of expensive clothes. I can't go on like this but I don't feel like I have the balls to cancel the wedding. Anyone else cancelled at such short notice??

MistressWeatherwax Thu 11-Feb-16 16:13:01

You can cancel any time you like... Right up to the last second. And it sounds from what you've posted that you would be happier if you did.

Rip the plaster off. Good luck.

ButtfaceMiscreant Thu 11-Feb-16 16:13:24

I haven't been in this situation but didn't want to read and run.

I think you know what you need and want to do. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to find the courage to cancel the wedding, but better to do so now than to have the marriage "fail" not long after or, even worse, feel you have to stay married as you are worrying that you will be seen to have failed in your marriage.

Do you want to live this life for the next X years?

Forgetmenotblue Thu 11-Feb-16 16:15:24

Three months isn't short notice . Do it.

Whathaveilost Thu 11-Feb-16 16:16:06

You may as well bite the bullet snd face the moans now than have the marriage from hell.
Look after yourself and your son. You are doing your self a favour if you cancel.

nilbyname Thu 11-Feb-16 16:16:34

Feel the fear, but do it anyway is my strong advice.

My best friend cancelled her wedding 4 weeks before. It was a big white hoo ha that cost a small fortune! It was the best decision she ever made and is now with a new partner whom adores her and a baby on the way. Her parents were initially shocked and then totally supportive.

Walk away and don't look back.

Needcaffeinenow Thu 11-Feb-16 16:17:27

I did it, very difficult but haven't regretted it. Have been so thankful that I did as I knew I would be signing up to a life of misery. Don't marry someone you think you will divorce. Try not to worry about what other people think but about you and your future.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:17:28

You should cancel, you're gut instinct will be right.

bessiebumptious2 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:17:31

Do it now. Don't spend the next few months worrying about it and only then doing it. Get it over with - you aren't the first and you won't be the last.

If it helps, I know someone who cancelled 6 weeks before the wedding. Everyone got over it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Feb-16 16:18:24

It will only be too late to stop the wedding when the person taking it declares that you and he are man and wife. Until then you can cancel the whole thing and I would urge you to do so.

If it does not feel right then it is not right. You can cancel it and people will be supportive of you. Your parents should support you and any friends worth knowing will also feel the same, some of them may well have their suspicions about him anyway.

Many relatives and friends do get wrapped up in someone else's big day but they are not you and you know what he is really like day to day. People can and do get over cancelled weddings; you need to do what is right by you here, not them and their reactions.

You cannot and must not marry him if you are not certain.

From what you write of him, he is emotionally abusive towards you and you need to plan your exit from him now, certainly not marry him.

On a wider level what is your situation re the property and finances?.

Cancel it now Jeannie, you are not the first and you will certainly not be the last person to do this. It will also save you the costs involved in getting divorced later on as well as a lot of heartache and pain.

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Feb-16 16:19:07

Please cancel the wedding! Listen to your gut instinct!

Is there anyone you could tell who would support you 100%? Maybe a good friend (as they might be less "invested" in the wedding than your mum for example)? If you tell just one person it might feel less terrifying and more achievable. They could help you tell other people and deal with the practicalities.

Do you live with DP? Is the house in his name, your name, or both names? Rented or owned/mortgaged?

mrschatty Thu 11-Feb-16 16:19:15

Please don't marry a man you don't love just to please others. A friends niece was due to get married at the same time as me. The friend was so excited about this massive family wedding- it's all she spoke about- and the girl cancelled the wedding the day before it was due to happen. That took real guts and I remember thinking "wow that girl did the absolute right thing if she was not 100%sure" your family and friends will understand and just want the best for you. That girls family all understood and yes were disappointed but would they rather she was stuck in an unhappy marriage biding her time until she could get a divorce? Good luck op and do what's right for you flowers

scandichick Thu 11-Feb-16 16:19:43

Well, everyone else isn't going to be married to him, are they? It's not short notice, you can plan a whole wedding in less than three months. If you can bite the bullet and cancel sooner rather than later it'll be easier - don't let it drag out if you can avoid it. Imagine how free you'll feel once it's done!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Feb-16 16:20:39

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Marrying this person is the wrong thing to do, he is not going to change into Mr Nice once married. You're all too clearly seeing how abusive he is towards you now.

Such abusive men do not change; infact he will likely further ramp up the power and control once he has a ring on your finger. He would use the marriage to further control you.

sufferkate Thu 11-Feb-16 16:21:01

I was in a similar situation to you, but I felt I couldn't back out and went ahead (no dc's though), I snapped after 18 months and left. I wish I'd just cancelled, trying to sort a divorce out is a lot harder.

MrsChrisPratt Thu 11-Feb-16 16:22:10

Cancel! My sister was in this position (I was only 17 at the time and didn't realise), and she went through with it. She now has a daughter she loves but she has to deal with so much shit from her ex which her life would be better, easier and happier without. I feel guilt eventide something kicks off that she had no one to confide in. I would have supported her 100% if she had told me. You can still change this.

MrsChrisPratt Thu 11-Feb-16 16:22:59

Everytime ** bloody auto-correct!

MoreGilmoreGirls Thu 11-Feb-16 16:23:17

I married the wrong man. I wish my gut had warned me beforehand. Cancel please. Good luck flowers

Duckdeamon Thu 11-Feb-16 16:24:43

OP, from your other threads it's clear your P is an abusive, controlling loser. Living with him is bad for you and your DS.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus Thu 11-Feb-16 16:24:46

Another one saying to end it now for both you and your son-though I know it's far easier said than done. Imagine if you do go through with it-what petty moans and stupid arguments will he use to ruin the day itself?
Dump him-and buy your son all the clothes you want. Don't worry about what others think. This is your life and you should spend it free of this controlling whiner.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 11-Feb-16 16:25:00

Don't know if you saw what I wrote on the other thread op, but you will be surprised at how well people react when you stop pretending and tell them the truth. It was the pretending that killed me. Stopping it was such a relief.

Also, think of your son letting out a breath and saying 'Thank FUCK' when you tell him. Think of that.

Grumpyoldblonde Thu 11-Feb-16 16:25:04

Imagine the future, you married and under the thumb, your Son fully grown and never wants to come and see you. What is scarier? Cancelling the wedding or losing your son, because you will, the way your intended acts around you both will drive him away. That is the harsh but true reality.
Cancel, you don't owe him any other reason than you don't want to marry him or be with him, that is justification enough. Or, sign yourself up for years and years of increasing misery, choice is yours.

MsMims Thu 11-Feb-16 16:25:26

Cancel it. It isn't too late, and would save yourself more heartache and expense in the long run.

I agree with PP, can you confide in one supportive friend first?

Binders1 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:25:49

Has your fiancé's moaning and the stress occurred or dramatically increased in the preparation of the wedding, which is stressful in itself. There have been many a couple I think who have been close to calling the whole thing off because of the arguments at home or has it always been like this? The dreams could also be part of your anxiety/stress of the wedding.

Gracey79 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:26:07

Not quite the same as wedding but I split with xh 2 days after buying a new house together had lived in hope all problems would be magically fixed with a new house only to find he was still controlling wherever we lived, if you feel like this now I imagine it will be 100 times worse when there isn't anything to focus on/look forward to. Jitters are normal but waking up disappointed you haven't split isn't. Good luck whatever you do flowers

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