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The difference between sex & making love

(142 Posts)
Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 15:07:28

After 15 years of pretty regular sex with dh I've become frustrated. I don't feel emotionally connected during sex. I've tried to be 'loving & gentle' towards him to guide him towards what I'm looking for. He doesn't make eye contact, there's no deep meaningful gazes, no gentle stroking of my hair or face, no gentle kisses on my face, no handholding, no gentle stroking with his fingertips. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe it's me- I've tried to explain how I feel but he doesn't seem to 'get it'. Don't get me wrong. Sex can be very good with him but sometimes it's porn like when all I want is to feel really loved & cherished. I feel that I could be anyone, not special. He has a high sex drive,was way too into porn in the past & has had an affair while married to me. Do all/most married women get what I'm not getting or aibu?

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 15:09:53

Oh, another one with a "high sex drive". That's 3 today so far. Why do women swallow this bullshit?

It's not you, OP.

BlondeOnATreadmill Wed 10-Feb-16 15:13:04

YANBU. There's a huge difference between sex and making love. I don't know what you can do, but YANBU!

Justaoneoffandnever2brepeated Wed 10-Feb-16 15:16:09

Don't know what to suggest, but I do think if someone has watched porn for a great deal of time, they honestly don't know how to do sex without doing it the porn way. It's like its all they know.

Probably abstinence from porn and lots of time would help them explore Sec in a different way but I don't think they'd agree to it or stick to it easily, so I don't know what else to tell you other than YANBU.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 10-Feb-16 15:21:34

Maybe engaging in mutual massage / stroking / cuddling with sex totally off the menu? Explain to him how you feel and that you need to reconnect?

Cnmorgan13 Wed 10-Feb-16 15:31:48

The phrase 'making love' makes me cringe. It's sex. Like grown women calling their vagina a flower or something.
But I think having sex with someone you love and respect is very different from say a one night stand. Communication is key between couples, if you aren't happy, say so.

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 15:55:34

I've tried to explain to him, I've broken it down to be as simplistic as I can ie: youre really good at the sexy stuff but not the emotional stuff, while a green apple is good every day sometimes I'd really like a red one. He used to look at me like I was talking a foreign language but now he says he's beginning to understand what I mean. I can see he is trying, not so hard & fast- that was the only way he climaxed- also watching the action turned him on. I wanted him to look at my face once in a while instead of downstairs! Still I don't feel he's emotionally in the zone. I suspected it's too much porn in his younger days & too many partners have caused this problem. I too dislike the phrase 'making love' but honest to god - I wouldn't mind a bit of that!! For those of you who do 'get' what I mean can you describe how it feels?

ThatsNotMyRabbit Wed 10-Feb-16 16:09:01

I dunno. Light touches, staring into each other's eyes, feathery stroking etc...... drives me batty with irritation. However there's a happy medium between all that and being rubbed st like they're sanding a door, followed by going at it hammer and tongs.

And the phrase "making love" makes me nauseous.

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 16:16:51

I agree to some degree, I'm not looking for this type of sex every time either, that too would drive me nuts but every once in a while it would be good to feel a deeper emotional connection without being fucked so hard from behind it's uncomfortable to say the very least. I want to feel loved cherished valued respected -emotional attachment. Like everyone else I too like a bit of the naughty stuff, but I think there's no balance here.

lazymoz Wed 10-Feb-16 16:23:29

I get it. My last partner spent a lot of time on me and made sure I was pleasured before penetration however penetration came with no eye contact or emotions and lasted 30 seconds. That to me was a deal breaker for me as he didn't think this was a problem.

TheNaze73 Wed 10-Feb-16 16:27:46

cnmorgan You're so spot on. making love is such a terrible expression. Puts my teeth on edge. Sex is sex I think however, you should talk to him if you feel like this. If he's not making you feel special, then there's something wrong

handslikecowstits Wed 10-Feb-16 16:32:10

I want to feel loved cherished valued respected -emotional attachment

You've answered your own question. Emotional attachment is the difference. I think there is a difference between having sex and making love. Your husband seems to think of you as an object. I couldn't live with that.

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 16:33:55

One day we went on a forest walk. When we returned to the parking area ours was the only car left. He became a roused when we got into the car & asked me for a bj -I complied & stress I was happy to do so. Illicit stuff really turns him on- the possibility that perhaps we would get caught.(hence his infidelity) But it's frustrating I'm not getting what I need in return.

PosieReturningParker Wed 10-Feb-16 16:35:36

If making love is what you want and you're getting royally fucked, then it's not working for you is it?

Talk to him, talk, talk and talk.

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 17:05:16

When we have sex his face looks like a bull ready to charge. There's a lack of tenderness. He Encourages me to masturbate so he can watch, this really turns him on. During sex on one occasion he was ontop ,he stopped for a second & slipped his arms around my shoulders- for a second I thought "at last this is it he's going to change tack & be loving," my heart began to melt only to hear him say "hang on if I hold onto you I get better purchase "& off he went again like a jack hammer. I know what I mean because on that occasion I felt it for a split second before my bubble burst! We've talked at length about his affair & ive learned that what he does with me is exactly what he did with her. He said "she wasn't special she could've been anyone". But this is how he makes me feel. I'm disappointed that sex with his ow was just the same as sex with me -his wife. I think he has an emotional chip missing.

PosieReturningParker Wed 10-Feb-16 17:07:01

Why are you with him?

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 17:30:26

I love him. Always have. Yes he has faults & lots of other women wouldn't put up with this & forgive his infidelity. But I want my marriage to continue. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, not by a long shot. I don't just love him, I'm still very much in love with him. I can see his flaws but I don't know what it is about him. For me if he hadn't had an affair & was able to show his love for me he would be perfection. Physically I couldn't be more attracted to him. All these years & the sight of him makes my heart flip.

Twinklestein Wed 10-Feb-16 17:37:12

He's just shit in bed OP and after 15 years he ain't going to change.

If you love him as much you say you'll just have to lie back and think of someone less shit England.

handslikecowstits Wed 10-Feb-16 17:37:19

If my husband had been unfaithful and used me as a sex toy by banging away like a woodpecker on speed, I wouldn't be in love with him. I really wouldn't.

You don't sound as though you like yourself very much.

PosieReturningParker Wed 10-Feb-16 17:40:15

Are you my mother?

Seriously ask him if he loves you.... you'll know if he's lying.

He's told you that his sex life with the OW is like your now.... have you any self esteem left?

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 17:40:34

No he's not shit in bed atall , as I said if it's porn ,horny dirty stuff you're after- he's the guy!! But if it's gentleness & tenderness mm. . Not so much. Maybe I'm looking for something which doesn't exist after all. . (But I think it does)

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 17:46:02

Self esteem? What's that? No I've none left. He tells me I'm the love of his life, yes he's had other partners before me but I'm the only one he's ever loved. This I think may be the crux of the problem, he only had one 'girlfriend' before me, the rest were casual encounters. I suspect that sex without too much emotion/feeling had become the norm for him. He tells me he loves me. As for "you'll know when he's lying"- christ yes I will , his lips will be moving.

Twinklestein Wed 10-Feb-16 17:49:20

I'm not after porn and 'dirty' stuff, nor are you, nor most women.

Someone who can't adapt their responses to their partner, who just pounds away regardless is shit in bed.

handslikecowstits Wed 10-Feb-16 17:54:56

OP, I'll be honest, I like sex dirty and I like rough but not all the time and certainly not with a man who stares through me as yours appears to.

Your posts are very sad. Have you thought about therapy just for you?

Exasperatedmrs Wed 10-Feb-16 17:54:59

I take some of the blame, I always knew something was missing in the bedroom but I never said a word. I accepted him & the way things were. Until.. His affair. Then I spoke up. I'm probably looking for reassurances from him that I am loved & he's not able to express it.

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