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am I being unreasonable

(29 Posts)
FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 07:45:49

Had a bit of a stern talk with my bf last night about him repeatedly saying he is going to learn to drive but not actually doing it. Told him to just do it basically.

I realise he is nervous etcetc and on a certain level it doesnt affect me whether he can drive or not. I can drive but it's not like he's expecting me to drive him about and we live in a city so it's easy to get around anyway.

However it worries me that he could be the sort of person who says they will do things but doesn't. We are talking about marriage and possibly trying for a child and it worries me that actually when it comes to it this is all talk.

I might be being completely unreasonable and linking in my head things that are not linked!

Katenka Wed 10-Feb-16 07:58:28

If he doesn't want to learn to drive or is nervous, he shouldn't do it.

He should also say he doesn't want to do it. Is he saying he will because you want him to?

It doesn't affect you so just leave it. Why did you feel the need to have a stern talk with him?

Dh always said he was going to learn to fly, he never got round to it. Didn't bother me in the slightest. He is now learning. It doesn't affect me, we all have things we fancy doing but not enough to save up for it or make the time for it.

I always wanted to get involved in martial arts. I didn't start until last year. I wanted to do it but not enough to spend 2/3 nights a week doing it and money has been tight until recently.

Unless he is always saying he will do something and not doing it, I wouldn't be concerned.

TheNaze73 Wed 10-Feb-16 08:00:58

I think you have every right to be worried. People that over promise & under deliver on the small things, will let you down when it matters, as a rule

RJnomore1 Wed 10-Feb-16 08:01:34

Bit of a practical difference between learning to drive and to fly!

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 08:03:08

Well that's my point he is saying he will do it and then putting it off. I think because he is nervous about it. I ended up being a bit stroppy with him because there was yet another comment about possibly actually booking a lesson so I just said either get it booked or just say you don't want to do it.

It's him that wanted to do it in the first place, not me.

I think flying/ martial arts slightly different from driving tbh but I take your point.

Katenka Wed 10-Feb-16 08:03:10

Not really. The OP says her dp doesn't need to drive. It doesn't affect her and they live in a city that is easy to get around without a car.

Learning to drive isn't something he 'needs' to do.

bb888 Wed 10-Feb-16 08:04:35

I would agree with being concerned about this. Someone who doesn't follow through on things that they have said they will do is much more of an issue after there are children then before.

Katenka Wed 10-Feb-16 08:05:49

Sorry what I am saying is that if he usually does what he says he is going to do, then it's not an issue in my opinion.

If this is how he is generally. Then yes it's an issue. I have a friend who hates her job and is always going to leave. But never ever applies or even looks for other work. That's how she is in general, saying she is going to do something then doesn't. As a friend it's doesn't affect me. I wouldn't want a partner like that.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 08:11:48

Otherwise I find him very reliable. It's not like generally he tells me one thing and does another or ever changes arrangements at the last minute.

When I think about it I have been telling him I want to lose a stone for over a year now and not done it either hmm

Katenka Wed 10-Feb-16 08:15:06

Personally I wouldn't worry too much then.

I would refuse to engage in a conversation about doing it.

He may really want to, but just be so nervous of doing he puts it off. I have done that. That's why I mentioned my martial arts. I probably could have found the money and time. But I was nervous of looking like a dick until I got good at it.

I actually only joined because my dd wanted to and I thought if she was brave enough to start it, so was I.

We all put some stuff off, as you say you have yourself.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 08:22:44

Fair points Katenka. Thanks smile

MrsSteptoe Wed 10-Feb-16 08:44:30

I completely get Katenka's points, but on this particular topic I would take a different stance. I have three friends whose DHs/DPs don't drive. Over time, it's caused resentment in each case, and the non-driver gets as resentful as the driver because they end up feeling guilty.
I think the point is that what's true today isn't necessarily going to be true in future, and doubly so if you have kids. Every holiday, my friends have to do all the driving. Every appointment that requires car transport, my friends have to be organised enough to be able to be the Mum taxi. You may not always live in the city, either, and then it becomes a real pain.
It sounds like a small thing, but I've watched it become a source of resentment in three cases once family life starts. And the older my friends' DPs get, the more resistant they get to learning to drive and it becomes a disproportionate cause of argument.
God knows, the tendency to stick head in sand about learning new things is one with which I have much sympathy, so I'm definitely not being critical about your DP. But I'd still say if you can persuade your partner to learn to drive, you will eliminate at least one area of aggravation further down the line.

Joysmum Wed 10-Feb-16 09:16:07

You are being unreasonable in your response, but not your fears.

I find it ironic your user name is fedupwithjudgemebtalpeople when that's what your being grin

It very easy to judge somebody else and not realise we're doing it. A judgement is an opinion, you clearly have that and have expressed that frustration rather than actually trying to help him.

If your BF does have a fear, trying to shame him or getting angry at isn't very nice. It may not be on something you can empathise with but try to think about how you feel about a fear of yours and how you'd feel if your BF showed complete irritation at it. For example many people have a fear of spiders or heights (which makes less sense than a fear of driving, given how many people are injured and die each year on the roads compared with spiders or heights). How would you feel if somebody was irritated, or belittled or ridiculed you for your fear?

If you are thinking of getting married and having kids, you could really do with learning how to see problems from your BF's point of view and working through them on that basis, rather than making a judgement and getting irritated.

First thing is to apologise for being on 'send' rather than actually asking him about his fears. Ask him why he's putting it off, ask if he's worried and exactly what it is worrying him. Then chat those fears through so he feels empowered to try to change them and put together a list of what needs doing to achieve it. He may well be happy to tick off certain aspects without worry now which will get him closer, even if he thinks he can't do it all. Eg apply for provisional, study for theory, take theory...

He may well be saying he's going to do it to get the courage up to do it. People use positive language as much to persuade themselves it's possible, as to communicate intentions to others.

A little empathy will really improve your relationship for the future.

Jesus I'm always saying I need to learn to drive or lose weight or what have you. Didn't realise it made me an unreliable person and someone not to have kids with.

Christ, this site sometimes. ...

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 09:24:46

But I'm not getting irritated about him being fearful /worried.

I'm irritated that he keeps saying he's going to book a lesson and doesn't.

As it happens I didn't really drive myself until about 3 years ago so it's not like I am unempathetic - I know how it feels to be nervous about driving.

Take your point that I should chat through what the issue is rather than cajoling him though.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 09:26:15

PS he applied for provisional a couple of months ago so he is slowing trying to tick off what needs to be done but it is very slow!

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 09:29:56

TakeMeUpNorth - I was genuinely asking if I was being unreasonable (which you clearly think I am) - I thought that's what this site was for!

pippistrelle Wed 10-Feb-16 09:33:25

Just because he's hesitant over one thing doesn't make him a lifelong flake in all areas.

Your partner might be considering whether he fancies future 'stern talks', should he fail to meet requirements. Joysmum is right about working on how you communicate.

Katenka Wed 10-Feb-16 09:36:48

I do agree with mrssteptoe that the issue of not driving could cause issues in future.

But the OP was asking about wether she should worry he says things and doesn't do them. Which is a separate issue imo.

Not driving may cause problems in future. But the dp has the right to choose wether he wants to learn to drive or not.

Joysmum Wed 10-Feb-16 09:41:31

Brilliant that he's made an effort towards it already. Promoting him to talk will really help you to understand each better which is great for any relationship, as is learning more effective communication.

Cut him some slack though, as you said yourself you e been saying you want to ditch weight and haven't. Same thing. Imagine how you'd feel if he extrapolated that to mean you were the the type of person to say things and not mean them and how this concerns him re marriage and children!

Best of luck with you both being able to communicate better and support each other in your goals.

SelfLoathing Wed 10-Feb-16 09:49:38

>>>Learning to drive isn't something he 'needs' to do.

If they are planning on having children, it really is. I know a couple where the man has never learnt to drive and the wife can. She has to do ALL of the ferrying round of children, him, family.

it will be easier for him to learn now

elelfrance Wed 10-Feb-16 09:55:31

I'm in the camp of those that think driving is an essential life skill... unless you're 100% sure that you'll always live in a city with good public transport, and you're happy to be the one always doing the driving on holiday, then i'd be insisting a bit

now that said, i suppose it wouldn't hurt to be nice about it,and try to understand whats making him nervous, but i would do it with the aim of helping him get past the issue rather than understanding and accepting that he'll never drive

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 09:58:30

He is generally a much nicer person than me and would never dream of saying anything about my weight or the fact that I've been moaning about losing weight for quite a while now.

Tbf to me though - I didn't suggest he learned to drive. He suggested it, not me. So it's not a case of me setting "requirements". If he doesn't want to learn, well, it's not ideal but yes, it is his choice and that's fine.

I do find it irritating to hear him talk and talk about learning but find excuses to put it off. Maybe I need to approach it in a different way as you have said Joysmum.

I've been burned before by someone saying one thing to me and doing another (saying they wanted to get married and then calling off 2 weeks before a bigg-ish wedding had been organised), so it is possible I am getting things mixed up in my head or reading in to things too much - which is why I posted.

Joysmum Wed 10-Feb-16 10:09:54

Totally understandable if you've got history of someone like that sad

It's taken a while for me to learn how to communicate better for trying to get DH to talk and then responding in a way I think he'll better relate to, rather than I naturally am which is to get in a strop and take it personally

I can't tell you how much happier I am since I've learnt how to do it but still need more practice! , it doesn't mean I can't have my own thoughts and feelings but as my DH said, by jumping to conclusions my own past made him feel like I was always thinking the worst of him. That really made me think about how much that must of hurt him and our relationship so I try to be a better person now blush

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Wed 10-Feb-16 10:15:16

Yes, you've convinced me I should be approaching this in a much different way.

Also - he is bearing the brunt of someone else being shit to me (on occasion) - which is just not fair.

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