Encouragement needed

[Chirstmascake1]

I've posted on here before. Been with DP 2.5 years and we have a DD.

He is finally I think leaving after I told him to due to continued verbal abuse.

Calls me all the words under the sun and also says I am a worthless piece of shit. He has broken things in the house over the last couple of years and has threatened me physically.

Every holiday or birthday or Christmas results in a bit argument.

Last few days he has been very nice to me and then verbal enslaught when he realises it isn't working. He says I never tried but he has been swearing at me for the last two years. I suppose I haven't been as romantic as I could be and am naturally a bit cold but I think it is because of the way he has treated me.

Have ready Lundy Bancroft and he fits the demand man.

Just need some bit of encouragement that this is the right thing.

[bb888]

Is there a reason that you are worrying that its the wrong thing? If those last few days are out of keeping with the rest of the relationship then I wouldn't add them into the equation.

[DoreenLethal]

Yes it is the right thing. Stop paying any mind to what he says. Everything he says will be slanted to his point of view and being said to hurt/control you.

Is it your house/flat/rented? How easy is it for you to get him out?

[Chirstmascake1]

We do have some happy weekends so I guess just thinking about that and when we have that and are together with DD, it is great.

[Lweji]

Of course it's the right thing. And you don't need anyone's permission.

Will he actually leave? Is there a time frame? Does he have plans?

[Chirstmascake1]

Parents place and then his flat when his tenant leaves.

[Marchate]

It's hard to keep your resolve. The good times won't return though. Be glad you will have your life back

[MoominPie22]

Absolutely get rid of him. He doesn't treat u like a person that he respects and lives, instead he disrespects u and treats u with disdain. U can't cling onto a few good times when that isn't the real him. Your child deserves to b brought up in a safe and positive environment with people who are good role models.
He's toxic and he's a loser. He's chosen to behave like this, it's always been his choice how he behaves. He doesn't love or care about u, nor does he deserve a good person like u. Why waste any more of your life on an odious tosser?

[Chirstmascake1]

Can't remember what's normal anymore. Wish I could have a day in a past relationship with out abuse.

He's being so nice now.

[Resilience16]

Christmascake, google "How a seemingly healthy relationship turns abusive" on the She knows website.
It could have described my emotionally abusive relationship with my ex to a tee. I can see that with hindsight, but like you, when you are living through it you just hope each episode will be the last, and can't see the bigger picture.
Classic abusive behaviour is to be nice then switch again, the aim is to confuse you and undermine your confidence in yourself.
Yes, you may have good times, but they are always on his terms, and there is always the threat of things turning nasty if you "step out of line."
You and your daughter deserve better. Please contact Women's aid for more advice, and do have a look at the article above. If I had seen that a year into my relationship with my ex I probably wouldn't have wasted another three years with him.
You are doing the right thing. Good luck x

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do also contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
Helps to reset your boundaries and spot red flags early on.
Will also help no end with your self esteem.
It's free so do it.

[Chirstmascake1]

What was the final straw for you?

[Resilience16]

The blow ups got more frequent, I initially tried modifying my behaviour so as not to "antagonize"him, I tried talking to him about it, I tried to encourage him to get professional help, then when none of these worked and he refused to accept there was a problem I realised he was never going to change so I finally called it a day.
It took me four years to get to that point, and it was probably only a few months ago that I realised this was actually abusive behaviour rather than someone being "Moody" as he prefered to put it. We went away over Xmas, and he had three blow ups in 6 days, all over absolutely nothing and that pretty much was it for me.
I am not going to lie,splitting up has been bloody hard, I have found myself thinking about the "good" times, and missing him in many ways but the bottom line is I know I am doing the right thing. Am going to enrolled on the Freedom course also so I don't make the same mistakes again.