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Feeling very sad and deflated

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Mamapotter2008 · 09/02/2016 21:29

I've worked so hard to distance myself from what's happened (after 15 years and a daughter together he suddenly left just two months ago). I finally started talking to people about what happened on our marriage, and I'm being told it was emotional abuse from him. My mental and physical health is better than its been in years, and people say I look the happiest I've been in years.

I feel bad, because sometimes I'd get very emotional about his behaviour, and sometimes it was not him and just a very severe form of PMS called PDD, which would affect me some months and not others, and which I finally got under control 3 years ago, and was prepared to have a hysterectomy for. My emotional outbursts are the reason he gives - "you chipped away at my love for you ".

I try not to think about why too much - just that it happened, that for a long time I've loved someone who doesn't share my dreams or believe in my ability to meet my aspirations, that the relationship affected my dignity and self respect and it's time to move on.

It is so clear from his attitude now towards me and our 7 year old daughter, that he is not the man I thought I had married.

Got my divorce petition from the solicitor today. I had to file to get his financial co-operation (he wants me to file, for some reason he won't do it). In the UK, unless you are prepared to wait two years, the divorce has be to at fault. It was so hard to read the formal language - that I cannot live with him because of "unreasonable behaviour" and then four very diplomatically worded reasons for that. I also had to check the details on the petition against our marriage certificate, which is smudged because on the day I cried tears of joy as I signed it.

And I'm heartbroken. I want to run into the solicitor's office and ask her to stop, I want to tell the world it was my fault and I need to show him that I can be a better person. I desperately want that man back, and I hate myself for changing him.

After all that hard work, I'm back to where I started. I detest the divorce process.