Not sure what to do about my mum

[TychosNose]

I'll try to keep this brief.
I've always had a crap relationship with my mum and had periods of nc or low contact.

A few years ago we moved nearer to where she lives (not because of her just my dh work) and now she visits once a fortnight. I used to limit these visits to only 1 hour because she is very confrontational and constantly tries to wind me up. She stays longer and longer and it's difficult to get rid of her and I feel myself getting closer and closer to exploding. The whole time she's here I am biting my tongue. She picks on every little thing I do, trying to get a rise out of me.

A couple of years ago a therapist I was seeing said she thought going nc wouldn't work and I should just manage the relationship better but I'm struggling and now I'm wondering why I have her in my life at all.

I really don't know what to do for the best. On one hand I feel really guilty for having all these negative thoughts about her but on the other I just feel really upset when she's here and after she's gone.

Any pearls of wisdom gratefully recieved.

[Potatoface2]

hi.....you sound like me....my mum was very difficult, seemed to get joy out of making me miserable and i felt she was never there for me...i went NC for a while.....it helped me, but its not helping now....im watching her fade away from cancer....im there for her now, but feel so terribly guilty for when i wasnt....i wish our time together had been so different but of course it cant turn the clock back....i can only make it different now...good luck in what you decide

[cozietoesie]

Who is setting these visits? Have they become a sort of schedule?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not your fault your mother is like this. You did not make her this way.

Change your therapist if you are still seeing this person; clearly this person has no real idea about the whole nature of such dysfunctional toxic relationships. Your mother continues to want to have power and control over you; her behaviours are abusive.

Do you have siblings; if so how are they treated?.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different. Why are you permitting her to meet you at all?. Even an hour in her "company" for you is an hour too long.

No contact is precisely that; why was contact resumed at all and who resumed this?.

Do post also on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread. They could help you as well.

[mum2mum99]

She sounds like a nightmare! She bullies you each time you see her.
You are still wishing she would be the lovely mum you never had.
You just have to admit, no matter how much you want her to be, she will never be a loving mum. What you have now is an abusive mum. You never had a loving one.
What good is she in your life? none.

[TychosNose]

Thanks for the replies.

The visits are a schedule. Set by her. Every two weeks I get a text saying she's coming round.

I don't see that therapist anymore. I do wish I'd asked her more about why she thought nc wouldn't work out.

I have two brothers. One is "the golden child" he doesn't have much contact with any of the family now. I don't discuss him with my parents so I'm not sure how much they speak to him. He gets in touch with me every couple of years but I've stopped making an effort with him. He's never been nice to me. The other brother still lives near her and she sees him quite frequently I think.
I have definitely been the family scapegoat/problem child/difficult one in her eyes (and she has influenced everyone else).

It's true that sh brings nothing good to my life but I feel so mean cutting her out. She has completely re-written the past and in her eyes has been a wonderful mother and doesn't deserve such an ungrateful horrible daughter.

It's hard for me to remain resolute when she tells everyone else her version of events and I look like the bad guy.

[TychosNose]

Contact resumed when she invited me to hers at Christmas a couple of years ago. I was 7 months pg and weakened by my condition! It was a mistake. The last 2 years have been very difficult for me and she has made things worse.

I know I need to go nc again. I just need to find some strength from somewhere.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

I would not feel at all mean about cutting her off although it is very, very common for adult children of narcissists to feel that way. She was not a good parent to you and is a deplorably bad grandparent figure to any children you have.

She has had no consideration whatsoever for you your whole life, she made you the scapegoat for her inherent ills and has created the usual dynamics associated with such narcissistic families of origin.

Am glad you do not see that therapist any more; that person clearly had no idea whatsoever about narcissistic familial structures. That person may also have had a bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Please post on the Stately Homes thread and I would suggest you also read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown. Websites also worth looking at are Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Lightshouse.org and outofthefog.website

[TychosNose]

Thanks for your reply attila

She's not a bad person.

Sometimes I wonder if she has any idea at all of reality. I think she truly believes that I'm the one with the problem and I do wonder sometimes if she's right and I'm the crazy one.

Thankfully my dh has witnessed a couple of her outbursts and reassures me that she's being totally unreasonable.

I'm sure I'm not blameless though and if I could just keep calm, maybe even mentally "check out" when she's in the wind-up, then we could maintain a superficial relationship.

Do you think it's possible to do that? Some people must manage it mustn't they?

[Aussiebean]

Next time she texts you say 'sorry we are out for the day.'

Then get your stuff and leave in case she decides to show up anyway.

If you can't do that, maybe offer her to meet you in a cafe. 'Sorry, we are out, but how about you meet us at this cafe instead?'

You are then in a public place and can limit the time spent.

Then say how lovely it was to be out and you should do it regularly instead of going to yours.

Small steps, if you aren't ready for the big one.

[TychosNose]

Thanks aussiebean that sounds like a really good plan. It would be good to have a way of leaving when I need to.

[Imbroglio]

I second that. Take control of the meetings.

Could you visit her?