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I am so confused, I really think I may need mental help.(48 Posts)
I think i'm in an abusive relationship, but I've got nothing to compare it to. He is telling me it's all me, I am causing the problems. Ive had a really bad day, my oldest friend has basically told me we are done. I have nooone left to talk to. Apparently i'm pathetic and selfish. I suffer with depression and maybe that's clouding my judgement but right now I feel like a stray dog being kicked. I am really struggling, so much I actually phoned the Samaritans, reach out to someone they said but every time I try to reach out im either completely ignored or accused of being selfish putting my problems on other people or attention seeking. I think my other half is abusive, he will kick off over the slightest little thing, if ive forgotten something, if something is in the wrong place...I drive myself crazy trying to avoid a row. I don't think people believe me when I do try to tell them. He has left me in the past because I yawned, yes really...he took it as a personal insult, I was bloody tired from looking after him all day. He will wake me up in bed and send me downstairs to get juice or whatever he wants..im a glorified slave. I have got no friends left, they just think im a lying nutcase.
Well they can´t have been much cop as friends! That´s fucking shocking! Why would genuine friends who care about your welfare and wellbeing assume you´re lying??
And he´s an abusive fucker by the sounds of it. Can you leave him? Do you jointly own your house? Is there any love at all in this relationship?
If not then it´s time to get rid. Are you married?
Please ring Women´s Aid tonight and they will advise what to do. Esp as you´re not even sure if your relationship is abusive. Sorry you´re having such a shit time of it. But it´s time to get proactive and think ¨ No more. I´m worth more than this!¨
And instead of losing all your friends over this guy why don't you put your money where you mouth is and leave him?
Does he gaslight you? He sounds horrendous. Please don't stay with an abusive man.
it is what it is moomin I guess. My friend was sick of hearing it. I really did try not to bug her with my problems but its difficult when someone is putting you down every day of your life. So I avoided ringing her at times...I figured if I was down it was better to leave it...now she thinks I don't care about her at all.
So has this friend been there for you over a long period of time? Has she given you advice and support and is now fed up with saying the same things over and over again? Do you only call her when you want to chat about your partner and do you never listen or ask after her? Trying to judge how much of a friend she is.
You need out of this relationship asap. You can rebuild from this and you can get back your lost friendships. I don't think they actually think you are lying but rather question if your relationship was so bad why would you stay in it.
Last question: Why have you stayed in it?
That's what she thinks dobby. She thinks I only call her when i'm down about my partner but that isn't true. Sometimes to be honest i'm so down in myself that I don't call her at all because it isn't fair to ring her when i'm in that state of mind. She's pretty hard to get hold of anyway as she works shifts so it's not entirely my fault (not saying it's her fault either obviously just the way things are). I don't know what shifts she works, it's different every week. Maybe she could ring me when she's free but she doesn't. It's been really difficult to have a conversation anyway.. he's one of these annoying people who will talk in the background and wont shut up so in the end I just give up (tell her this, tell her that, tell her about our car, tell her where we went last night, tell her ive been ill etc etc). On and on he goes, maybe he does it purposely I don't know. I cant take the phone in another room because he'll hit the roof saying i'm up to something.
I don't get any freedom at all, I am watched 24/7, my every move is scrutinised. I cant even go to the loo, in the bath...he'll burst in under the guise he was "worried" about me. He always seems to be "worried" about me...if I go to the corner shop, any longer than ten minutes he's phoning me. He doesn't like me going out in the dark. If I cant sleep at night and come downstairs he wakes up and throws a shit fit. I do not get any time to myself ever...writing it down like this it does seem unbelievable I suppose, no wonder I look like a liar. Why do I stay? That's a tough one, he has twisted my head up and I don't have another soul in the world. I can't remember who I am.
Oh, honey. Your 'D'P is an abusive shitlord. As a pp said, he is gaslighting you (Google it, if you haven't heard the term).
He is ruining your friendships - abusers do that deliberately, exactly because it makes their partner feel they don't have anyone else. Your friends don't understand at the moment, because you don't. They might think you're not bothered about them any more. This can be resolved, when you have got rid of him.
He has twisted your head up - exactly.
You need to leave him. It's not easy, but you can do it
you need to read this book
hope you can get out and start living
Oh god, I remember not being able to go downstairs without a massive argument. The few years I was in that situation were awful. Please try to plan yourself out of the relationship.
My friend was sick of hearing it.
Even really good friends can get compassion fatigue after a while, if they hear you moan endlessly about the same old problem, but ignore all their sound advice about how to change your situation.
If you won't leave him then there is nothing more she can do for you.
In the end, it doesn't matter whether or not it is an 'abusive' relationship measured against others. All that matters is that you clearly don't make one another happy and you live your life on eggshells and feel used and not respected. Your depression may or may not be a factor in why the relationship is shit, or the shit relationship might be a big part of why you are depressed. In the end it doesn't matter. the only thing that matters is that you are unhappy with someone who doesn't seem to value you.
That is a good enough reason to end it. I have a feeling your friend has probably told you this many times.
How you are feeling is exactly what he wanted to achieve either consciously or sub consciously. He has inserted himself in your friendships and the breakdown of those relationships is probably what he desired.
I suspect he is a deeply insecure person.
You already recognise how wrong and toxic this relationship is, that's the first step.
Just because you've forgotten who you are doesn't mean you are lost forever, you can get out of this and you can survive on your own and will be a stronger person for doing it.
We all agree he's abusive. You know he is. Your friends know it.
The main question, OP, is: What do you want to do about it?
Do you want to leave him? Are you prepared to do it?
Or you simply don't know how?
What is the house and job situation?
Are you married?
It's not you, it's him. I'm not surprised you feel like you're going mad, it sounds claustrophobic and exhausting.
Are you with him literally 24/7? You mentioned you tried to ring the Samaritans. I would recommend getting in touch also with Women's Aid. If you're online now have a look here: www.womensaid.org.uk/
They tell you how to cover your tracks online if you're concerned about that.
This is your first step. You are doing what I did a few years ago - putting the info out there to see if what you think is happening really is happening.
He is trying to control you. The tactics he uses to control you are often abusive.
Your mind will be split into 2 halves. One side is telling you simple truths: he acts unreasonably, he hurts you, he upsets you, he is hard to please. The other, thinking part of your mind is trying to change the situation. It tells you: if you do as he says, things will get better, please him and he'll be calm, listen to what he says and you can make him happy. Therefore you are in emotional conflict between your instincts that tell you he is not nice and your thinking that is telling you you can fix it somehow with changing your behaviour.
This is crucial: you can not fix it. Only he can if he wants to. And he won't want to, because he is wired to control those in his life. So your instincts are right. He is abusive. Your thinking is wrong: you can't fix it.
Your mates won't necessarily understand this type of relationship. That's also not something you can fix. WomensAid can help you if you think he may become aggressive when you have to leave him or get him out somehow.
What is your plan op?
Well I presume neither of you work if he won´t even let you go to the corner shop or the loo without challenging you! He´s not ¨worried¨ at all, he´s keeping you on a very short leash. He´s severely controlling you and limiting you opportunities of freedom from being right where he can see you.
Unless you want to live a miserable life of submission, co-dependancy and isolation with very little in the way of love, affection or happiness ( so a shit quality of life, to be concise! ) then you need to ring WA asap, even if it means you lying about having a Dr´s app or something, in which to ring them in privacy.
He´s holding you a prisoner! I´m presuming you feel unable to assert yourself and stand up to him? What would happen if you just turned round one time and told him to Fuck Off and leave you alone? Have you tried talking to him and explaining how unacceptable his behaviour is?
Sorry to be blunt but if you want change then you´re going to have to step out your comfort zone and instigate that change yourself. Nobody is going to come and rescue you. So find some inner resolve, get away from him long enough to contact some help, concoct a lie, do whatever it takes......
He must leave the house sometimes without you, right? So there´s your opportunity to place a call. The help is out there but you have to help yourself in the 1st instance. I hope you can be proactive in changing your circumstances rather than bowing down and just accepting all this crap that he´s doling out to you.
You don´t have to take it you know? He´s an abusive wanker, nobody is gonna argue with that. But what are you gonna do about it? Anybody would be depressed living like you do.
I get the same feeling.
Worst case, leave to go to the shop and go instead to a police station and tell them all about his control. It's abuse.
They should then help you by referring to agencies such as WA, NCDV.
What happens if you do take much longer than you should at the shop and you go elsewhere instead? Say, the shop didn't have what you wanted and you needed to go to another one?
Alternatively, make up a health problem and confide in your GP.
It could be the case that he does work otoh but OP is too ground down, exhausted and fearful of the consequences if she does act to do anything while he's out.
Thank you for your advice everyone, this is the first time I've been able to post. Things have gone from bad to worse. I went back there, I had a plan, I had finally got the gp to listen to me and they organised cbt. I had four sessions and came back crying with frustration every time. I couldn't do my "homework", she seemed to think I was being uncooperative...but how could I tell her I wasn't "allowed" to? I wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING without him. I wasn't allowed to have a rest, it was always taken as a personal insult...It was a sign I didn't love him. If I turned away from him in bed because my back was hurting that would cause a huge row. He knows I have problems with my back ffs he sees it but refuses to believe me. I feel so depressed, I don't have any friends anymore, I don't have family apart from my mum who is an alcoholic and blames me. Its my fault she drinks because of my situation apparently. All I do is cry, I cant seem to pull myself together. I feel pathetic.
I think that you really need to leave in order for you to have the space to get better (and being away from him will help no end).
Can you look up womens aid in your area and ask about a refuge so you can get away from him asap?
Does he hit you/shove you? What does a "shit fit" look like?
Sometimes we pick partners that emulate qualities that match others who might have abused us in the past when younger, family etc.
It's not a huge jump to then get with someone who will continue this pattern for us, also we often pick "friends" who have these personality traits as well, hangers on and users.
The upshot being because we dont recognise what a decent give and take relationship/friendship is like we accept that's our lot, but when you start seeing the abuse for what it is the friends we've picked are useless, because they never had your best interests at heart in the first place.
Maybe it's time to rely on your own senses and instincts now, and avoid those who would do you more harm then good
He doesn't hit me no. He has picked me up and thrown me on occasion if he's in a temper. (he's a big bloke, i'm tiny).
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