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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

is honesty always the best policy?

25 replies

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 07:58

NC for this. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and I've always been loyal. Ours has been a happy and stable relationship, although we've had hiccups like everyone does. A few days ago a man I've always been weak with got in touch. I ended my relationship with this OM, if you can call it that, over 13 years ago and haven't seen him since. It started off innocent enough but the escalated into territory I would consider as practically cheating on my DP. I have no idea how it went as far as it did. It was all hypothetical but I ended up saying things I shouldn't have and admitted to things I shouldn't have and now I feel guilt ridden. I have no intention of meeting up with this OM and told him I wouldn't because I love my DP but I know I've overstepped the line. I'm blocking the OM from contact. I didn't sleep last night as I tried to work out, do I tell my DP what I've done. I know he'll be furious. I'm furious with me. I'm so angry with myself for letting it go so far to the point I feel sick. Should I tell him and hurt him when I'm ending all contact with the OM?

OP posts:

Report

Katenka · 08/02/2016 08:08

That's very difficult and each situation is different.

Why do you want to tell him? Because he deserves to know or to try and ease your guilt?

Personally I think he has a right to know. But I would explore why you want to tell him first.

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 08:13

I think he deserves to know. I hate to lie and it feels like I'm lying to him. We're due to get married and there is a child involved. I'm scared that it'll destroy my family but I still think I should tell him. God I feel so disgusted with myself!

OP posts:

Katenka · 08/02/2016 08:19

Then I think you should tell him, before the wedding.

Tbh if I were you I would be seriously considering keeping it to myself. It takes courage to tell someone this. But if I were you partner I would want to know before I married you. I think he entitled to know before you marry.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and you found out after the wedding?

Also there is always a chance the OM will try and contact him. It's better that you come clean through choice.

Bobblehat10 · 08/02/2016 08:19

Aside from the feeling of sharing the guilt, what practical purpose will it serve? Will your relationship be better or worse if you tell him?

Presumably you don't tell him every thought and deed you do every day?

AlwaysHopeful1 · 08/02/2016 08:20

Agree with everything Katenka says.

It's really not a great foundation for a good marriage to start off with dishonesty.

Vixxfacee · 08/02/2016 08:21

I don't think you should tell him. There is always going to be temptation and you didn't go meet. Just my opinion.

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 08:26

This is the problem. I'm not sure it'll do our relationship any favours. DP has a famous temper and has always been very jealous. I don't tell him my every thought and feeling, no. But surely this is like will fully not telling. I know it will really hurt him. On the other hand it was just words, no intention behind any of it. And I really don't want to hurt him or lose him.

OP posts:

Theendispie · 08/02/2016 08:29

If I was told this I would want every detail, was it all messaging and have you kept them or did you also talk.

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 08:30

Messaging only. I haven't actually spoken to this OM. Refused to give him my number. Refused to send him pictures. Just words.

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FredaMayor · 08/02/2016 08:31

IMO if you stay silent on the matter to DP, it will be a fact that he will be marrying under false pretences. Your feeling guilt means that you know DP is materially affected and you should do the right thing. It will not be easy but if you don't grasp the nettle and come clean you will run the risk of jinxing (for want of a better word) your future with DP.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 08/02/2016 08:33

Well if you can live with one day him just 'having only words' with someone then don't say anything. And you know that you will have no right to feel upset. It's dishonest to me.

FredaMayor · 08/02/2016 08:34

Cross post, OP. Shows of temper and jealousy are not good starting points in a marriage as I am sure you realise.

bb888 · 08/02/2016 08:34

Are you sure that the relationship is a good one? I know its not always a popular view here, but I'm not sure that people in happy relationships look elsewhere.
You have moved from 'happy and stable' in the first post to jealous with a famous temper in the second.
I think its worth putting some effort into considering why you got into this situation, and whether there are any issues there to be addressed.

timelytess · 08/02/2016 08:36

If you want your present relationship to continue, keep silent. Absolutely silent. Don't even talk to a friend about it. But if he's already showing a 'famous temper' and being jealous, are you sure you want to be with him?

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 08:40

DP is not constantly angry and jealous. But when he gets angry it is really angry. His past jealousy has been down to insecurity. I'm not sure I can deal with being dishonest. So think I'll have to tell him. But damn I'm terrified of losing him.

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guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 09:14

Why did I get into this situation? What a question. I'm not really sure how to answer it. I've always felt like this OM was like a bad drug habit for me. We were not good for each other. But I always found it hard to say no to him. On this occasion I did say no - no to meeting up, no the cheating. I've been feeling a bit insecure lately and have told DP this. I told him I felt like he didn't want me anymore. He tried to reassure me but I've really struggled to accept that the feeling was in my head. I guess that may be a rather large factor in this.

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KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 08/02/2016 14:06

Ok it is deceitful, but all in all there's not a lot to tell, so why risk your future on that basis.
You made a mistake (we all do because we are human) - learn from it, which I think you have already, and move on.

guiltybetrayer · 08/02/2016 14:31

Having thought about all of the advice I'm inclined to keep my mouth shut. I am so absolutely disgusted with myself and my actions. I still feel sick with shame and guilt. While it sounds like I'm taking the easy way out by not owning up to my fuck up, I'm not so sure. This will really hurt my DP, perhaps irreparably. Telling him might , to a point, relieve the guilt of having such an inappropriate conversation but it will wound the man I love and I'm not sure he'll be able to get past it. I've cut contact completely with the OM, having told him that I we can't be friends and that I respect and love my fiance too much to allow the possibility of this ever happening again. I would rather punish myself with the guilt than transfer the pain to my fiance. I know I'm not doing the 'right' thing here. But when the choice is to feel the pain myself or to share/give it to my fiance I would rather grieve over my mistake in silence. If he asks me though, I'll tell him. I won't outright lie. I'm such an idiot!

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LeaLeander · 08/02/2016 14:40

I don't see anything "dishonest" in not telling your fiance of a conversation you had. So it was an old lover whom you knew before your met your current man, so what? It momentarily stirred up emotions and longing - again, so what? Do you really think that once a person is partnered/married that he/she never feels a pang of lust or desire for anyone else? Do you really think partnered people owe their SO a complete accounting of every day's thoughts or words?

If everyone went about telling one another every time they fancied someone else the world would be in constant chaos. If you believe that you will end up seeing/sleeping with this other man, tell your partner you want to break your engagement. If you believe it was a one-time temptation and you can resist, just keep quiet. Why make him feel bad so you can absolve yourself?

You have to pick one path or the other. Don't tell him and then expect to sail on as your are now. Why stir up soap-opera drama for no constructive reason?

goddessofsmallthings · 08/02/2016 14:42

I would rather punish myself with the guilt than transfer the pain to my fiance

Imo this is how it should be, but don't let a mistake made out of weakness, in part caused by insecurity about how your dp feels about you, blight your life because you found yourself able to resist the temptation to meet with your old flame.

In other words, as you were put to the test and weren't found wanting you're best advised to stop beating yourself up and take that thought forward.

CwtchMeQuick · 08/02/2016 14:44

A few years ago I was going through a rough patch with a man I was seeing. Another man asked for my number, we met up, kissed, I realised how wrong it all felt and left. I immediately owned up to my boyfriend at the time and he ended it. Speaking to his mom about it afterwards she asked why I told him, it was just a kiss after all and I stopped it because I realised I wanted to work on my relationship. She thought I should've kept my mouth shut and learnt my lesson. I'm still to this day not sure I made the right decision. I think I told him because of my own selfish guilt, not because it was the right thing to do. I hurt that man so badly and I'll never forgive myself. But I am also glad we're not still in a relationship built somewhat on a deceit.

I think it's a really difficult decision. And I might get slated for this but in your position I'd be inclined not to say anything. You didn't cheat, it was offered to you and you said no. We are all weak at times and perhaps let things go farther than they should, but you chose your partner.
Usually I'd be saying own up, but I'm not sure this is worth hurting your partner over.

blindsider · 08/02/2016 14:55

If you really have no intention of having any contact with the OM don't say anything to your husband. It is your fault and you need to wear the shame/guilt rather than offloading it onto him. Suck it up.

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HotNatured · 08/02/2016 15:39

Don't say anything, the guilt you are feeling is punishment enough. Forgive yourself and move on. You made a mistake, but it's not as if anyone died, why make your DP feel like shit for a moment of weakness. Don't do it, you will regret it way more than what you have done.

Joysmum · 08/02/2016 15:49

The only reason you'd not tell is to protect yourself and get what you want.

It should be up to your partner to make the decision as to whether you're worth it or whether he wants to end things.

By not telling you're imposing your will over his because you consider yourself to be more important than him. It should be his choice.

FunkyPeacock · 08/02/2016 15:56

If you are 100% certain that your current DP is the 'one you want' and feel confident in maintaining no further contact with the OM then I would keep quiet personally

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