Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

XH is refusing to bring ds back. What can I do?

(227 Posts)
SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:42:11

Xh took ds away for a weekend to Centre Parcs. The agreement is that he brings ds back for 5pm so he has time to wind down before the bedtime routine starts. We have allowed him until 6pm on the odd occasion, but it really does affect DS ability to have a restful nights sleep. But xh is now taking the piss and has brought him back at 6 for the last couple of visits. Meaning DS is up and down till gone 8:30 as he's still struggling to wind down.

This week Xh hasn't brought him back at all and says he will take ds to school in the morning. He has no school uniform as when he picked him up Friday is was a non-school uniform day.

I a so anxious and 15 weeks pregnant, so trying (unsuccessfully) not to panic or get stressed. Any suggestions on what I can do.

SaveSomeSpendSome Sun 07-Feb-16 18:43:51

Is there a court order which states what times and days he has him?

If there is no court order and he is on the birth certificate then the police will not return ds to you.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sun 07-Feb-16 18:46:52

Is your ex not bothered about the uniform issue?

Do you think he's doing it to piss you off, or to spend more time with Ds or just because he can't be arsed to bring him back? If it's the latter could you offer to fetch him?

SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:47:07

There is no court order. The agreement we came to during mediation is in a Memorandum of Understanding. I have always tried to negotiate reasonably with him, but he's very controlling and selfish. I have evidence that he has broken the agreement we have made in texts and emails.

I don't have the spare funds for a Solicitor and I wouldn't qualify for any legal aid as the abuse was emotional and financial not violent.

firesidechat Sun 07-Feb-16 18:48:27

Don't CP weekends last until Monday, rather than Sunday?

How old is your son?

SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:49:11

He lives over an hour away and it's nearly ds bedtime. I'm hoping he's sticking to the normal routine otherwise ds will be no good for school in the morning. I will drop off some uniform at breakfast club and see if he's there. But I'm sure this is just another way of him exerting his control over me, by using our ds. I'm so angry and stressed out. He's such a bastard.

Sleepybunny Sun 07-Feb-16 18:50:37

How old is ds? Seems like a pretty ridged bedtime procedure IMO.
Looking at it from a different angle, could it be easier then if xh deals with the bedtime then if he struggles to get him back this evening? Is it possible you could drop his uniform off at school for him to do a quick change?
Or is this all part of a controlling feature your xh exhibits?

SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:51:26

DS turned 6 a couple of weeks ago. If we had agreed that visits last until Monday then obviously I would be fine with it. But they've been until Sunday at 5pm ever since we split and DS isn't ready for a later time yet. If I ever do anything he doesn't agree with I get bombarded by abusive texts and emails. But he can just do whatever he bloody likes it seems.

thequeenoftarts Sun 07-Feb-16 18:52:47

Ok maybe its not ideal, and I know your stressing like mad now, but is your ds safe with your ex? If so maybe just ride with it tonight as there is not much you can do on a Sunday night at this time...

Agree to meet him at school in morning with lunch and uniform and smile thru gritted teeth.
Now if he is not safe that's a different story, but assuming he is as you have been letting him have your ds on weekends...

If there is only an informal agreement in place, make it your business to go to a solicitor first thing Monday morning, if there already is a formal agreement in place, notify the police of the breech, but maybe leave it tonight as you don't want your ds removed by the police and frightened..

Hugs to you, it's awful for you, but maybe he really just wants to spend some more time with his son too...

Pipistrella Sun 07-Feb-16 18:53:41

I think I would be witholding contact next time.

He must surely know this - and if there is no court order, he would have to go to court in order to get access to your son at all, then. I think. I might be wrong.

I would try and remain calm, ask what he is going to do for uniform, and tell him he can collect it if he likes, and then take stock and get advice from an impartial helpline tomorrow.

Sorry this is happening, he sounds like a complete shit.

Sleepybunny Sun 07-Feb-16 18:54:32

X post sorry! Have you looked at the costs of a solicitor? Are you sure it isn't possible? Sounds like it would be worth the sacrifice, to get control back.

SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:54:56

It is a rigid bedtime procedure because that is what works for DS. He has really struggled to settle in at school and we find that a consistent bedtime routine really helps. Teachers have noticed that he behaves differently after coming back from his dads and if he doesn't have wind down time he is up and down for hours before he can settle to sleep, meaning the morning school run is really hard work.

Xh has never done the school run ever so he wouldn't know what DS needs to take to school etc. Should I contact the school? What if he doesn't even take him in? How will I know when I'll be at work from 8am.

Ilovefluffysheep Sun 07-Feb-16 18:55:03

Play him at his own game. If he does as he has threatened, don't stress - as you said, you can drop uniform off at breakfast club.

However, once DS is home and ex has gone back home, inform him that he can only have supervised contact as he has failed to stick to the agreement that puts your child's needs first. Take back the power!

Fourormore Sun 07-Feb-16 18:56:43

I'm not surprised you feel like this. What he's done is entirely inappropriate. He doesn't get to just change plans like this. Have you pointed out that he has no uniform?

I think I would leave it this time but make it absolutely clear that he has to stick to the arrangements as agreed otherwise you'll seek a court order to ensure the arrangements are adhered to if he pulls anything like this again.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Sun 07-Feb-16 18:56:49

I would contact the police and see if you can stop the abusive messages.

I don't think your son will be in school tomorrow, what I suspect is that they are still in centre parks and the reason ex hasn't bought him back is because they are still on their mini break at centre parks.

Could you ring up centre parks to see if they have checked out early.

thequeenoftarts Sun 07-Feb-16 18:57:31

Then back to mediation it is for you to change things if he is not sticking to his agreement

Ring in the morning for an appointment...

VocationalGoat Sun 07-Feb-16 18:58:08

I had this with my ex...you really need to get a contact order put into place and you really don't need a solicitor. I self represented in court because I wasn't 'fighting' anything other than for a reasonable schedule, which no judge will have an issue with unless of course you're withholding contact. It's been several years now and I had a MacKenzie friend with whom I had chats online. I also got a lot of advice and insight from mums and dads on the forum of Wikivorce.

Draw up your reasonable terms of contact.
Present them to ex with another chance to work with you and not against you for the sake of your son. 6pm is not perfect, I know. It's not totally unreasonable though if it's twice a month. But rolling up at like 8pm or just not showing up at all is not on. Your DS needs consistency, rest, and stability. If ex wants to do Sunday nights and the Monday morning school run, give him a spare uniform to keep at his. Or he could take DS Friday after school until Monday morning. That solves the school uniform problem since DS will be wearing it.

Believe me, hard as it is, you'll sometimes enjoy the break (with a new baby and all that comes with that wonderful blessing).

Pipistrella Sun 07-Feb-16 18:58:13

Can I take it you're the resident parent and have primary care of your son?

Don't take uniform to school. Make ex deal with it - school will not be happy if your son turns up without the right clothes, and your ex will look really bad to them, so let that happen (sorry - but it is for the best)

Speak to school about this
Tell them you did not agree to it

It's very abusive. It's not fair at all, but don't play the 'making up for his failings' game. Call his bluff. Say 'Ok, that's fine' and he will likely change his mind anyway - I cannot imagine the idiot going through with this if he has an ounce of common sense.

He's trying to wind you up, so ignore it like you would a tantrum from a two year old. Try and seem unbothered, like 'ha! Ok. Thanks for letting me know' or suchlike.

The less he thinks you are bothered, perhaps the less he will piss about.

This may not work though, it's just one approach - you know him best.

SheerWill Sun 07-Feb-16 18:58:52

With a baby on the way, we're already looking at cutting costs wherever possible. Including moving house to somewhere with cheaper rent.

I cannot ring round and visit solicitors in the morning as I'm a teacher and need to leave here at 7am to get to school for 8. I teach secondary SEN students and I also have a responsibility to them.

I'm sure ds is being looked after. Xh has always treated him like the golden child. But I worry that ds is now going to have a terrible day at school tomorrow because he'll be all over the place.

starry0ne Sun 07-Feb-16 18:59:01

I would be furious OP...

I think yes drop uniform at breakfast club... I would also phone school and make sure he has arrived tomorrow morning... If he has PR police will not do anything... You need to see Sols... You can self represent in court due to changes in legal aid courts are very used to seeing people self represent

RandomMess Sun 07-Feb-16 19:00:11

I think you need to step back and do not contact your ex. Let him ring you regarding uniform etc. By trying anything you are showing that it gets to you.

I am highly suspicious that they are still at CP and he isn't going to school tomorrow...

Longer term you may need to go back to mediation or go down the court route for fixed contact I'm afraid.

coffeeisnectar Sun 07-Feb-16 19:00:21

I'd refuse contact unless it's in a contact centre from now on.

Don't take uniform in. Don't facilitate your ex by helping him out. And if you get a call from school saying he's not in then tell them to call his dad.

Pipistrella Sun 07-Feb-16 19:00:30

Oh and please take notes and keep a log of everything like this. Note down every call or abusive text, every agreement you make verbally (or do it by text and keep as a record)

Keep a log so if and when it does go to court, you can prove you were totally reasonable. This will work in your favour.

Ilovefluffysheep Sun 07-Feb-16 19:02:09

My ex tried doing similar to me when the kids were younger. Told me he thought I should come and pick them up from me and was refusing to drop them home.

Told him that was fine, he'd need to wash their dirty uniform from Friday, sort their packed lunches and get them to school the next day. He couldn't bring them home fast enough and never tried that stunt again.

TurnOffTheTv Sun 07-Feb-16 19:02:19

You don't check out of Centre Parcs on a Sunday anyway. You're ex obviously knew this and has probably planned it all along. How far is he from school? I would put money on him not taking your son to school in the morning.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now