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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Living together - need advise

64 replies

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 12:51

Sorry if this is a long mail but I need some advise as not sure what to think...
My boyfriend and I have never been able to agree about living together – he has a 4 bed house plus attic studio and 3 children – only one an 18 year old son lives there full time – the other’s are a girl at uni and a girl who lives with her mum for the majority of the time – he also has a lodger in the studio. I have a 3 bed house and live alone.
I have in the past suggested he gets rid of the lodger to accommodate my stuff but will not as it’s an important revenue stream – I offered to pay the rent but he was not willing in case we split up.
Before Christmas I sent this mail to him:
This is the email we talked about - basically I am asking you to think about how you can accommodate me and all my stuff - what changes are you willing / happy to make - and what maybe you are not so happy about but arent 'deal-breakers' and know that that they are important to me. The 'stuff' isn't just my belongings but - and this is where I find it difficult to express myself but the mental side - in essense I need to feel that I am living in my home - not just staying in your house.
This is his reply:
My thoughts – living together – how we might get there. Move my dining furniture out to the garage. Sell / get rid of the other dining room furniture – move out it to garage whilst wait to sell it – my records etc – all except for the art cupboard. DS moves his bed and chest drawers etc into the dining room – plus we buy a new wardrobe for him (black matching his other bits). The dining room then becomes DS’s Studio. DS’s old room is then completely empty – redecorate – and this space becomes yours for whatever you like. Finances - £87 per week to me, you cover this simply by renting one room at your place. Food shopping bill 60% my cost?
Please can I have your thoughts on it…

OP posts:

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eurochick · 07/02/2016 12:59

It doesn't sound like he is exactly eager to shack up with you...

NewNameNotTheSame · 07/02/2016 13:02

I'd rather stay in my own home than be treated like a lodger by my partner.

tingon · 07/02/2016 13:06

Ain't love grand, I'd stay at home if I was you.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/02/2016 13:10

Can't see you running off into the sunset together. Stay in your own space.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 13:11

How long have you been together?

LastOneDancing · 07/02/2016 13:13

I guess it must complicate finances when children are involved - you cant just divvy up 50/50.
But it's all a bit... joyless?

choceclair123 · 07/02/2016 13:14

He hasn't mentioned anything about costs for the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc. Is that 50 : 50 split?

I'd stay at home.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:14

Four years - but he has been wanting me to live with him for a long time - I moved in with him a couple of years ago - just bringing some clothes and personal belongings but it didn't work out after a few weeks.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 13:16

Then i think youve got to think about whether you have a future at all. He doesnt sound like he would be easy to live with.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:16

Am assuming that will be the food bill - i.e. the weekly shop

OP posts:

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:17

Oops was trying to add this to choceclair's meesage - sorry am first time user so a bit clumsy

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 07/02/2016 13:17

You talk to each other like business partners not lovers.

Why do you need your own room at his to pay rent... won't you be sleeping in his room?

Personally I'd keep it how it is.

Glastokitty · 07/02/2016 13:19

My god the romance! It sounds like a dead duck to me.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:23

Yes will be sleeping with him but there isn't enough room for my clothes - I have a massive wardrobe! Also I work from home quite a bit - have a home office at my own home that will need to come over so hae to have somewhere for paperwork etc.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 07/02/2016 13:25

Ok that makes sence, but I don't like the idea of renting a room... you pay your share but he's talking like your lodgers.

I'd have a talk face to face and see how it goes.

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:27

He doesn't see it as renting a room - just paying my way by giving him the money I get from renting out one of the rooms in my own house.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 13:29

What are you hoping for op?

Suddenlyseymour · 07/02/2016 13:29

Why do you "have" to live together?

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:32

We have had difficulty in trying to sort out what is the fair share - that is partly why we are where we are... the lodger technically pays some of the bills ... I would still have some bills to pay at my own house etc... he has one adult child, sometimes 2 and sometimes a younger one. Any thoughts on what would be fair...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2016 13:33

how romantic

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/02/2016 13:34

Stay where you are and date. This doesn't have the hallmark of a long-term romance by any stretch of the imagination.

"Finances - £87 per week to me, you cover this simply by renting one room at your place."

By not living in your own property and having someone else paying you rent to live there, even if you think they are merely renting one room, they will not be your lodger but a tenant. Which confers far greater rights, and you would not be able to enter at will, never mind go back and live in your house if things got tricky and your tenant decided that they wouldn't allow it.

It seems to me that you could be risking quite a lot more than the other party here. The idea that a person would consider charging their partner rent to live with them is laughable.

Hillfarmer · 07/02/2016 13:35

Why do you want to live with him?

Sounds to me as if the main inspiration has sunk, but you are both occupying yourselves with how you are going to rearrange the deckchairs.

It is really not about furniture is it?

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louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:35

We want to live together so that we can spend more time together and have a shared life.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 07/02/2016 13:39

Why did it fail last time? And what did you do with your house last time?

louhelhop · 07/02/2016 13:42

No its not about furniture. For me its about making a home with him rather than living in his house with him - if I just brought a suitcase it would be the latter. I want some of my beongings around me so that I feel at home. He says I can feel at home by making his house homely - but I want sme of my bits and pieces around me.

OP posts:

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