Lies, withholding, distorting.....

[cruusshed]

This is the pattern with my OH - on big stuff and little stuff.

I am exhausted and frustrated with it.

It takes me weeks running around trying to uncover the truth during which time I get increasingly distracted and agitated.

When finally cornered, with evidence in front of him - he says he has to lie as he 'is scared of my anger' or 'it was nt his intention to lie or hurt'.

His parents are/were alcoholics - so I think that his MO was to live a life under the radar, covering up etc

[Quoteunquote]

Ask him how he wants to plan the future, what is his one year, five year and ten year plan , and how he wants to live it.

Then work out what your one,five and ten year plan is.

Sit down together and work out if they match, what you are comfortable compromising on, and be clear that living in honest relationship is a not an option.

[pocketsaviour]

Has he done any work on himself as an adult child of alcoholics? Is he even aware of how his damaging childhood is affecting his adult life and relationships?

An inability to commit to the truth is a classic symptom of being brought up by alcoholics, as it seems you know.

[AnyFucker]

well he is never going to change, clearly

time to put up or shut up

[cruusshed]

Fidelia that exactly the dynamic. I have detached recently as it is so futile.

He is in counselling but clearly it is having zero impact.

AF - yes this looks like the choice I have to make.

[cruusshed]

Fidelia - yes this is exactly what has happened. We had joint counselling for 6 months which was very effective I thought. He listened and was very articulate in these sessions - and I thought I saw a new side of him that was emotionally intelligent.

The MC then suggested we wrap up these joint sessions as we were settled but go to see separate individual counsellors to work on specific personal issues. He started with his in November - mine was not free until a couple of weeks ago.

Since November he has been distant emotionally and communicatively. Then I discovered one almighty lie just before xmas -- he denied it repeatedly to my face, said I was wrong and therefore gaslighted me for 3 weeks, before finally coming clean.

It is something he needs me to do with regard to our finances (basically using all of the equity of our home to secure a massive loan for his business) - since he has lied about the details of it - I have said an out right "No" - he has bullied and harrassed me about it everyday since. I said if he asks me one more time we will separate.

He then tells me that thru his individual counselling - he has discussed his repeated lies and deception and they have concluded that the reason he lies is that he is scared of "my anger".

So he has transferred the responsibility for his lies and deception on to me.

I have escalated to anger and frustration after repeatedly stating I know what was said/agreed/happened and him telling me I am mistaken.

As I suspected he is even lying to the counsellor. And to himself. He said that he told her he had withheld information from me and that he should have communicated it earlier - but he was scared of me.

He did not tell her that he withheld critical info for months, then lied to my face repeatedly for weeks when I uncovered it and also during those weeks of lying to me that he repeatedly told me I was mistaken, I had the facts wrong.

He is still saying to this day that he needs to less scared of me and not withhold.....but this is not what he did.