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Aibu not to get sports gear ready?

(24 Posts)
kewgardens Sun 07-Feb-16 10:23:21

I have just been told how unsupportive I was for not getting my dp and ds ready to go to their regular Sunday sports. dp has flown into a rage left two doors open in the wind which subsequently smashed and broke crockery the kitchen. I usually help out making breakfast but dp is usually abusing everyone about how they are making them late. my ds gets the brunt of his anger as he is the one who has to sit in the car with him on the way there. my other dd is upstairs and just stays in her room. I'm really upset. I work full time and I do all the housework and also wash all the sports gear. dp is very stressed and angry a lot of the time. most of the time I just do everything to keep the peace. obviously not getting breakfast and getting them ready in the morning is going to cause massive problems. I'm would really like so help.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 07-Feb-16 10:25:55

Time to leave. A person who screams and smashes things and scares your children because you're not a good enough maid needs to get to the far side of fuck.

IHeartKingThistle Sun 07-Feb-16 10:30:19

I have had words with DH about this. I think he now understands that because I manage the swimming, trampolining, piano etc. during the week, I absolutely have the right to have nothing to do with the weekend sports.

But OP the worst he did was a bit of huffing and puffing and sulking. You can't tolerate screaming and smashing stuff. Hope you're OK.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Feb-16 10:30:34

I think that your man is the main cause of all your problems here. Your house would I think be a lot happier without him being in your lives day to day.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does this person meet?.

Is what you describe usually the case in your house; why are you kowtowing to such a bullying and emotionally abusive man?. Your son is getting the brunt too of his anger and your DD is up in her room, both these young people are suffering at his hands as well as you.

I would be talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you further.

Is this what you want to teach your children about relationships?. No wonder your DD sits in her room; she probably thinks the rest of the house is akin to a warzone. Its awful.

LIZS Sun 07-Feb-16 10:33:31

Is this normal for him? Are you often playing along to keep the peace? You either treat him like a child and do it all or you stop enabling his tantrums and leave him to wash the kit and put it out ready the night before. Or even better get rid.

kewgardens Sun 07-Feb-16 10:40:25

thanks for your comnent, I'm not sure how to react in front of the children. I feel shellshocked and really teary. I'm not looking forward to dp coming home.

sooperdooper Sun 07-Feb-16 10:42:52

What an absolute wanker, he's a nasty bully and you all deserve better sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Feb-16 10:46:20

I would call WA whilst he is out.

The fact that you cannot answer the question as to what you get out of this relationship now is extremely telling. My guess for what it is worth is that you get nothing at all positive from it. He is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world so that also adds to your confusion. This man will go onto further mess with your head.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Feb-16 10:47:16

What is the situation re the property and finances?. You state he is your DP so I presume you are not married to him.

Aussiemum78 Sun 07-Feb-16 10:50:34

Christ no.

Do it if you feel like it, or if he asked politely for help but the way he is behaving I'd do nothing.

He's being an arse.

bloodyteenagers Sun 07-Feb-16 11:04:50

He abuses your son and you are still with this person. And your dd hides in her room?

Do your children a favor. Protect them and get rid of him.

kittybiscuits Sun 07-Feb-16 11:06:30

Time to ask HIM to leave.

kewgardens Sun 07-Feb-16 11:20:12

Thanks it's made it very clear that this is not normal behaviour or just an argument. it also keeps occuring. I'm glad when he leaves the house on the weekend.
What i get out of the relationship? I am not in a very good position financially or personally to just leave. I'm saving money and retraining. I feel like a weak person tbh.

Finola1step Sun 07-Feb-16 11:30:03

Focus on preparing to leave. Try to get financial and legal advice.

FWIW his behaviour is not normal. Every family arranges their lives in different ways but I will outline what we do, just as an example.

DH takes responsibility for taking dc to their swimming lessons. He also bears the brunt of the various football activities for ds. I organise everything to do with Beavers and playdates. I wash and put away all the sports gear but dh knows where everything is kept so gets what he needs. This is just what works for us. I couldn't live with a man who routinely expects me to sort out his own flipping sports gear.

magoria Sun 07-Feb-16 11:40:34

Don't wash the kit.

That way they can't go and you don't let your poor DS have to sit in a car bearing the brunt of his father's anger.

Your DD is hiding upstairs in her room because she is afraid of her father's anger.

You are running yourself ragged to avoid his anger.

You don't need help.

You need away from this man to protect yourself and your DC as soon as you are at a stage you can do so.

BooChickpea Sun 07-Feb-16 11:54:24

This sounds familiar, not for me but my sister. Her Dh was the same; huffing, shouting, sulking and generally being an obnoxious arse. It got so bad that he started hitting her and then shouted at his ds in such a way that ds wet himself; he was 6 years old. It's hard to believe that my sister tolerated this until her dc were teens. Now, she says she wished she had left earlier and she'll never get those years back.

My point is...get out or even better get him out.

Hassled Sun 07-Feb-16 11:58:58

DH and DS3 are out at their regular sporting activity. They found their stuff, they made themselves a lunch, I helped look for a water bottle and located shinpads, they went on their way. No raised voices, no rages, no doors left open. That's what normal is like.

So is he angry about everything? It must be exhausting.

Resilience16 Sun 07-Feb-16 12:19:19

Kew, you know his behaviour is abusive and controlling. It is affecting you and the kids. I know the first time something like this happens you hope it is a one off. Then when it happens again and again you start to think it is normal, and maybe you are at fault. You start to doubt yourself, your self confidence goes, along with your self esteem. It grinds you down.
I know all that because I have been in the same position. You need to get out. Please contact Women's aid for advice.
You and your children deserve better. Acknowledging there's is a problem is the first step. Good luck x

bloodyteenagers Sun 07-Feb-16 12:22:06

Just wondering because you are saying my not ours. Are the children his?
Who's house is it?

kewgardens Sun 07-Feb-16 12:38:35

Hi there, they're our children. I don't own the house but paid half deposit on the initial house, paid money for some of the deposit on this, the second house. I don't pay for the mortgage but pay for food everyones clothes, clubs, phone and childcare. we're not married so Id lose the lot basically. as another question would you get married in these circumstances for sensible financial and legal reasons?

dontcallmethatyoucunt Sun 07-Feb-16 12:51:08

Get some legal advice OP. You can't stay because you're too scared about what your finances could be like. Find out what the facts are and then review your options.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 07-Feb-16 12:53:08

Do you have written legal proof you paid a proportion of the house deposit?.

How has it come about that you're paying for what seems to be the majority of the household day to day costs?.

Your legal position as you rightly surmise is poor.

Honestly I would not marry this man at all for any reason let alone financial or legal!. Your best bet is to plan your exit from this abusive man as soon as possible.

As mentioned before, Womens Aid can and will help you here. Saving money and retraining is all well and good but that all takes a lot of time; in the meantime he will still continue to behave abusively towards you and by turn your children.

bloodyteenagers Sun 07-Feb-16 13:07:33

This man?
Not a chance.
I would be looking at getting myself and the children out of there sooner rather than later.

Did you protect your deposit?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 07-Feb-16 14:50:13

Is the current property in both your names? Was a Deed of Trust drawn up when purchasing to protect your individual contributions?

I really doubt that you will need to kiss "goodbye" to your share of the equity in the family home.

BUT I really think you need to get yourself some professional advice. It really, REALLY sounds like you need to get yourself and your children away from this awful man.

Your poor children!

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