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VENT: my husband's family prefer his EX

(48 Posts)
NewMama15 Sat 06-Feb-16 11:46:42

Hi everyone

Today I just want to vent a little because I have really had enough of my husband's ex girlfriend taking over my life. She has a 5 year old with my husband who was 1 and a half when I got married to my husband and we have a now 2 year old. So basically this woman lives not too far from my husband's family house and she is there all the time she got married then divorced but she is like always there. Fair enough he has been with her for 10 years. So on Thursday my husband burried his mom and while in church she comes to do a reading alongside my husband's nieces. While reading the church program I saw my name and her name listed as daughters in law!!!! Seriously they have crossed the line big time, they are Nigerian and she is like them i was never asked whether I want to do a reading I was never told anything but she is the one representing my husband when I told these things to my husband and how that made me feel he was like : oh I didn't know I was as surprised as you, but he didn't want to do anything about it, if he wants this relationship to last then I think he should talk to his sisters now now but maybe in a month or so because that was disrespectful. The next day out I brought up the same issue and he told me that what I am saying is stupid and idiotic!!!! Honestly I can't stand him or his family anymore his ex will always be there and I will never have a place in his family. Tell what do you think or whether I am overreacting please

SoThatHappened Sat 06-Feb-16 11:51:26

So his mother died and his long term ex gf and his daughter were recognised at his mother's funeral as being part of the family and you dont like that and are only concerned with yourself.

I can see why they prefer her.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 06-Feb-16 11:54:01

You are overreacting in this particular instance. A woman has died and the mother of her grandchild -- someone with whom she had a long relationship -- did a reading at her funeral.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 06-Feb-16 11:55:15

Also, they are Nigerian and she is like them? Nice.

Lightbulbon Sat 06-Feb-16 12:01:07

He moves fast!

Marrying someone else 18 months after his DC is born!

Care to elaborate op?

Fidelia Sat 06-Feb-16 12:01:17

I think you're being unreasonable.

Firstly, they've known her for a long time. She became part of their family when she married him and for some in laws, the divorce doesn't end that. My Ex in-laws still see me as family and I see them the same way.For sake of shorthand and not having to go into details, they do call me their DIL (I'm not your DH's Ex btw, my Ex is single).

Secondly, it's up to them how they choose to include her and describe her. It's not your decision and you have no right to try and change that. It's actually lovely that they have such big hearts and want to make the mother of your DH's eldest child so welcome.

Thirdly, you went into your marriage knowing that she was around and knowing that she was still very much part of their family. If you didn't like that,m you shouldn't have married him...or did you marry him, assuming that this dynamic would change once you were his second wife? If so, that's disappointing for you, but it comes from assumptions that you have made, not from their bad behaviour.

Fourthly...your SILs have just lost their mother. Can you understand how awful that must be? And you think that now is the time to sort this out? In your head, during that funeral of a dear family member, you made it about your DH's Ex? Really? You do realise that the funeral wasn't about you, it wasn't about the Ex, it was about their MOTHER and wanting to honour her.

Fifthly, you come across as really insecure. Just for clarity's sake, were you seeing your DH when he has still married? (Someone was going to ask, so it might as well be me) Just wondering because you seem to feel like you're in competition with her?

Sixthly, if you truly feel that way about your Dh and his family (and this is not just a drama/manipulation tantrum to get your own way)...then leave. At least you know that as an Ex, they will treat you well.

SoThatHappened Sat 06-Feb-16 12:20:56

I didn't pick up on the only 18 months dd when they got married.....

If your DH was unfaithful to his ex gf and you were knowingly the OW, I can see why you are so insecure about your status with your Dh and his family and why they prefer her.

LoTeQuiero Sat 06-Feb-16 12:32:58

YABU. I can see how this makes you feel. If it were me I would concentrate less on the specific funeral situation and more on the wider one.
My family are the same with exes and current partners and it's a bloody nightmare.

NewMama15 Sat 06-Feb-16 12:50:36

First of all this ex was never married to him, second, he almost cancelled our wedding when I told him whether I can invite my ex and he stopped me from talking to any man! I'm not insecure but I expect from somebody who has principle of not talking to exes to abide by their own rules. I expected her to be at the funeral but the point is I was never asked to do a reading!

NewMama15 Sat 06-Feb-16 13:14:49

Fidelia you can't tell me to leave my husband are you ok in your head ??? All your message is based on your personal experience as a first wife but my situation is different than yours I am here not to be hearing comments like these we had an agreement before marriage and he is the one who agreed! So please stop calling me all sorts of names just because I decide to share a little experience I had that hurt me and yes I have the right to be hurt. I don't need your advice because you are attacking not advising

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 06-Feb-16 13:20:52

Why shouldn't she do a reading? The family obviously liked her very much and she shouldn't be pushed out just because your husband left her with a baby and moved straight on.

You knew he had an ex and child so can't complain. If you didnt want a man with baggage then you should have gone for somebody single with no children.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Feb-16 13:30:58

you weren't asked to do a reading because nobody can stand you

HTH

TokenGinger Sat 06-Feb-16 13:36:46

Your OP is horrid.

My mum and dad were married for 15 years. My dad's parents still viewed my mum as their daughter-in-law up until the day they died, 12 and 14 years after my parents' divorce.

My mum still took my grandparents on holiday with them, because they were the most incredible grandparents in the world and they always wanted to spend time with us, and because they loved my mum.

Just because my parents' relationship failed, that didn't stop my grandparents liking my mum.

Equally, my mum's dad STILL buys my dad a pint of beer in the pub.

This is what civil people do.

My mum was also included in the family cars for my dad's parent's funerals, because she was important to them.

TheXxed Sat 06-Feb-16 13:37:45

His mother is barely cold in the ground!!!
they are Nigerian and she is like them stay classy OP.

JonesTheSteam Sat 06-Feb-16 13:40:35

I'm not surprised they prefer her to you. You don't appear to be a very nice person. I prefer her to you, and I've never met her... wink

RumAppleGinger Sat 06-Feb-16 13:41:55

I really don't understand your over reaction. Your MIL has died and you are pissed off that someone who she had a ten year relationship with, the mother of her grandchild stood up and expressed their sadness and loss?

Do you think she is 'hanging around' because she is still in love with your DH? Are you jealous of her?

TokenGinger Sat 06-Feb-16 13:43:30

There's a difference between continuing a relationship with an ex, and continuing a relationship with your child's mother, so I'm not sure the ex invited to the wedding is on a par with this.

CremeEggThief Sat 06-Feb-16 13:45:21

She was there first. Of course they regard her as a DIL. She's not second best to you.

Finola1step Sat 06-Feb-16 13:47:09

Your dh has just lost his mum. Your SILs have also just lost their mum. Your own dc and sdc have just lost their Grandma. All of this you know but sometimes it is useful to outline the bare facts.

I get that you are uncomfortable with the presence of your dh's ex in your life. But she knew your MIL for a long time. Your MIL may well have seen her as a DIL, that's between them.

You are not wrong to vent your frustration. But be very, very careful. Emotions will be running high and this is not the time to raise this.

My cousin said some nasty things to my dsis once. They had a row. It could of all blown over but it didn't. Because this all happened just 3 days after our Dad's funeral. So what she said was bad enough, but her timing was terrible.

PizzaConnoisseur Sat 06-Feb-16 13:49:23

You sound supremely jealous. You wanted her to fade into the background because you're now his wife, but that is not going to happen after a 10-year relationship and a child. It is something you have to live with.

NewMama15 Sat 06-Feb-16 13:58:11

Thank you for your nice comments

bluebell34567 Sat 06-Feb-16 14:08:33

I agree with you newmama and understand you.
If you are divorced from someone you stay away from their family. The grandchildren of course can see their grandparents. But everybody must know their places. You are the new daughter in law, you must have the priority.
If the ex has still good thoughts about them she could do her respects privately.
They are undermining you. If I were you I would leave him.

bluebell34567 Sat 06-Feb-16 14:10:28

being civil doesn't mean you have to spend your all time with your ex's family. you have to be civil within boundaries because you are divorced now. she has to build her own life.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 06-Feb-16 14:12:18

I am here not to be hearing comments like these

What are you here for? If you've come to an internet forum to be told what you want to hear, you're not going to get what you want on this board or on this site.

Instead of standing on your dignity, I suggest you put it aside and have some compassion for your sisters-in-law and your husband who are no doubt distraught at having so recently lost their mother.

Although she may not have been married to your h, his ex-girlfirend was undoubtedly treated as a daughter-in-law by his family and the printed words on the Order of Service merely reflected the way your late mother-in-law regarded her.

Instead of giving ultimatums to your h, why not befriend his ex and his sisters?

Fwiw, no recent addition to my family would be asked to give a reading at a funeral unless they held a very special place in the heart of the deceased and that appears to be something you didn't achieve with your mil.

Despite having a gf of some years duration with whom he had a young dc, your h married you. Take a chill pill and remember that you'll always attract more flies with honey than vinegar

redexpat Sat 06-Feb-16 22:07:53

I think the rough shall we say wording of the OP has got peoples backs up and quite rightly so.

Do you feel less accepted by your DHs family because you are a different nationality or race? It might just be a cultural thing, that they all have the same cultural norms and expectations.

Have there been other instances where you havent been included as much as you would like?

And your bit about the exes doesnt make much sense. Do you mean he forbids you from contacting your exes yet he can contact his? On the face of it that is unfair and controlling, but having kids with someone is a game changer. Perhaps your ILs are trying to keep everythin as normal as possible for your SC.

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