Dear mum of young kids who doesn't want to have sex

[Justlurkingaround]

This was mn blog of the day on Weds this week. I liked it so much I thought I'd post a link here. Hope the link works.

handfulofhalfpennys.co.uk/life/dear-mum-of-young-kids-who-doesnt-want-to-have-sex/

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

I'm so glad, that I have never felt that way, about my DH.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Christ alive.

More men should read that. It would reduce the birth rate as they'd realise that a fair proportion of women basically want as little as possible to do with their partner once kids arrive for a several years. So fewer would breed.

I've always been dubious about men who say that once the kids arrived their wife wanted more or less nothing to do with them. If I was married to her or some of those who commented positively on the article, I'd be out of their like a shot. Yes, things change, but what she describes doesn't sound like marriage or partnership to me.

[Claraoswald36]

I dunno. I couldn't beat exh touching me after dd1. There was a lot more wrong with the relationship though. I still have young kids, dd2 is 3 and still very clingy. Dp pawing at me doesn't worry me at all and my sex drive is great and is unaffected by my limpit toddler.
But dp barely lets me lift a finger at home and does more than his fair share of work at home. Make it a very different ball game I reckon

[TeaT1me]

We were both so exhausted we hardly had sex for ages after each baby. Lots of dripping milk, hardly any sleep, no help from family. Did I mention exhaustion? We're v active now but I can relate to the article and when I felt like that

I'm sure if my babies slept through or we had help or could have date nights out or weekends away like some couples I know I'd feel very different!

[Jazzface1]

That post is so sad.
She feels the way she feels and that's not her fault.Essentially her relationship is over with her partner.

Good post stildr.

[donajimena]

I didn't like that one bit. Yes if that is how she feels thats up to her. But don't profess to speak for all of us. I couldn't wait to get back on the horse. My relationship with my children and then partner were two different things.

[DialMforMildred]

Well, she says she's got four kids so presumably she bit the bullet a few more times? Or was that just for conception reasons?

[MyBreadIsEggy]

I understand where she's coming from sometimes. Not to the point where the thought of DH touching me makes my skin crawl, but take the other night for example: DD (9mo) had been poorly, and it had been a pretty difficult day. Once she was in bed, DH and I just slobbed on the sofa. And when we went up to bed, sleep was the only thing on my mind. DH apparently had other ideas. I gave a sigh, and DH asked what was wrong. I said "I'm just debating whether I can be arsed to turn around and allow this initiation of sex to continue, or just go to sleep"....we both agreed it was a bad idea and sleep was more important!

[expatinscotland]

Then why have 4 kids? FFS, she saw something good enough about him to use as a sperm donor 4 times.

[maybebabybee]

I don't like this. My parents are divorced because their relationship was way, way down their list of priorities after they had kids.

I see my partner of equal importance to my DC. That doesn't mean sex necessarily - it's about way more than sex. But assuming you love each other and respect the other's needs (ie one of you isn't an abusive twunt), it doesn't hurt to occasionally prioritise your relationship over your children. IMO.

[LidikaLikes]

Seems like she sees sex as giving herself over to a man, rather than something to bond them and also something she can enjoy for her own pleasure.

I was too tired for sex when my kids were tiny, but not to that extent or for very long.

That blog post made me feel sad for her.

[Justlurkingaround]

My sleep deprived brain didn't see the debate coming. Just thought there might be some like me who could do with reading it.

[rumpler]

Dear Nat

You said

"You did not enter into a contract whereby you are obliged to put aside your feelings to protect his"

So I hope you won't mind if I take up a sexual relationship with another woman as I have a need for intimacy and sex, and since I'm not obliged to protect your feelings either then it shouldn't be a problem for you.

Love

John

[david8341]

I thought the blog was absolutely awful and would seriously consider leaving my partner if that's how she felt.

Mainly the part about not feeling sorry for "John". If you have decided, on his behalf, that his sex life is over then you should feel bad.

If that's how you feel (and we all do sometimes, men too) then that's how you feel but you should be acknowledging that it's not really healthy and be looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Branleuse]

as has already been said, her relationship is dead. If your partners touch makes your skin crawl, thats not because youve got kids, thats because your relationship is over. How could you even come back from that? Its sad

[NNalreadyinuse]

No one should have sex if they don't want to, but she seems to show no basic affection for the guy! Imagine the shoe being on the other foot and the man was telling the world he just cba to show his wife, the person he promised to love and care for forever, any sign of affection. The wife would be told to ltb. A kiss and a cuddle is really not too much to expect from your life partner.

[Offred]

I don't read into it that she doesn't put any priority on her relationship or that she doesn't like sex or that her relationship is over or that she sees sex as giving herself over to a man

It read to me that she is saying a real partnership involves not 'giving yourself over to a man' it's about sex being mutually enjoyable and about respecting yourself enough to not just give in for an easy life and instead expect a male partner to respect you enough to not pester for sex.

The way around it for a man is to take over more of the parenting so their partner is not getting touched out and feeling overwhelmed and burnt out by kids.

It's not fair to expect a sexual relationship to stay the same through childbearing IMO. Or to keep pestering an unwilling partner for sex.

Being burnt/touched out doesn't last forever and her male partner had an equal amount to do with them having 4 kids TBF.

[officebairn]

rumpler perfect, just perfect.

[Offred]

I can't abide men who make children and then whine about how much sex they should be getting and how their sex life is dead forever because their female partner's libido is temporarily suffering, there's no quicker way to kill any affection than being so deeply unsupportive IMO.

Affection is about more than being touched BTW. It's about more than sex.

I've never felt the way she describes (being touched out) but I can see why some people would respond that way, I don't think it is abnormal. I expect that many men would also feel that way in the same circs.

[HesterShaw]

Maybe they shouldn't have had four children. She makes it sound like she actually hates it.

Poor guy :(

[rumpler]

Offred - I guess it depends just how temporarily her libido is affected for.

I mean after 4 or 5 years you do start to wonder if it's ever coming back.

[Offred]

Well yes, but given she mentions a lot that the reason she doesn't want to be touched as soon as she sits down is that she is touched out and that she just needs to be left alone for an hour to have a bath in order to feel ok to be touched it doesn't even sound like she is 'off sex', just wanting to not be pestered the minute the kids go to bed.

[WorraLiberty]

I think to describe her husband touching her as 'pawing' at her is pretty sad really.

[skankingpiglet]

Wow. I mean since DD was born we rarely got/get the opportunity to do the horizontal samba thanks to exhaustion, it being uncomfortable for some time after birth, co-sleeping and little pairs of eyes (Not to mention the perfectly timed 'Mummmmeeeeee!'). There are times he wants to and I just can't face losing the sleep. However I can't ever imagine saying his touch makes my skin crawl. If I ever did I would know it was over. Yes you are pawed at all day, but surely DH's touch is somewhat different? The kisses and cuddles are stress-relieving and empathetic surely?

[plantsitter]

Christ, the opinions on this have REALLY surprised me. Let's say you have never experienced what she's talking about even for a moment (and I'd be really surprised if anyone with kids hasn't, ever), she's still allowed to have feelings isn't she? What, because she isn't ignoring them and giving herself to her husband like a dutiful wife he's entitled to wave his dick around elsewhere?

Bloody hell, mumsnet's changed.