I have actually had to work up the courage to start this thread since last night. I have posted before under different names, my partner doesn't work and sleeps a lot..trying to keep vague as I will get into so much trouble if I'm identified but honestly - this is how tormented I feel, so I have to reach out somehow :( I worry people will be disappointed in me on here as I was advised to leave and did try (and have ended things with him twice before) but it's just feeling impossible. I don't like letting people down so am putting myself out there to say - no, I haven't left and part of me feels I have no right to just walk away.
Don't want to write an essay, but we had a huge row last night. It's our son's parents evening tomorrow and my partner never comes to them, he says there's no need and doesn't have much time for schools in general. He has said he'll go tomorrow but only if I don't go because it doesn't take 2 of us. I said it would be nice to go together but he said no way and that I'm just trying to cause trouble. He said hes offering me a solution to not going (because I have anxiety and find it difficult talking to all the teachers) but I'm deliberately making things awkward by insisting we both go. I just said it'd be good as a change to both go.
He then said my family are all messed up and want to take advantage of me (I recently inherited some money but its all accounted for anyway) and that he's the only one who protects me from them and I don't appreciate it. He said he's a better parent to my son because he'd never upset him like I have. Reason: on the odd occasions I go out with friends and have a few drinks, I have been loud and a bit dramatic when I come back. My son hates me drinking and the last time I did I upset him by crying and talking gibberish and was basically too drunk. I wasn't nasty to anyone though, just loud. I have agreed not to ever go out drinking again.
I have to stress, this has happened about 3 times in the past 5 years but I am deeply ashamed of it and haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the last time a few months ago. My partner says for this reason I have no moral code or right to comment on his parenting skills and that I should be ashamed of myself. I expect to get flamed for this as no kid wants to see their mum drunk and even though its very rare, he hates it but in my defense if he was in bed when I got in then he wouldn't have to but he stays awake waiting to see me and check that I'm not drunk. Then if I am he gets really upset and so do I due to the guilt etc.
When my partner brought all this up last night he also mocked my voice and said what a trouble maker I am, I started crying and he said 'Don't make me out to have made you cry you did this to yourself, all I've done is respond to you wanting to have a fight'. I said he was gaslighting me and he laughed and said theres no such thing just like when I call him passive aggressive, he thinks they're made up psychobabble terms and thinks I'm a joke.
I had a panic attack then barely spoke all evening. Later he asked if I was ok and I said I was upset but didn't know why and he said 'Look its ok, just forget it now I'll be ok, I just have to defend myself if you try to cause arguments' and I was even more confused.
Sorry this is so long!...didnt mean it to be. Basically, what is wrong with me? I have depression and he says thats why I am irritable sometimes with him and am causing trouble as he likes to call it, because I'm not in my right mind and unwell.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
It can't be abuse because I'm bad too?
sadinmysoul · 04/02/2016 13:56
He hasn't become better, he has just become more devious and insidious.
This is what a voice is telling me deep in my mind but then the doubt washes over and says no, the problem is me and my issues.
He is very clever, he knows my weak areas like my troubled childhood, emotionally abusive mother, my depression, he says all these things have clouded my judgement and skewed my perceptions of people who are just defending themselves and not having a go at me. He says I am paranoid that he's out to get me and that I WANT there to be problems.
Ok will try and do the online F. Programme tonight as I need to start it asap. I have a number for a Womens aid support worker too from when we split up before, I will try her if I get a moment alone later where no one will hear me.
Thank you 
It sounds like your son is frightened when he sees his mother come home loud, dramatic, crying and talking gibberish (your words). You never mentioned how you got home so I presume you were not driving (hopefully). I'm not saying you should not go out with friends but you need to set a limit on the types and amount of alcohol you imbibe.
I'm sorry but saying he would not have seen you like this because he should have been in bed, not staying awake to check to see if you were drunk is no excuse. How about he stayed awake to make sure you DID get home? I find it strange that both are reacting this way if it has only happened three times in five years. Is your partner deliberately setting you up in some way by saying by saying it's OK for you to go out, in the hope you will get drunk?
If you did leave your partner, who would get custody of your son? Your partner does not work so does he sponge off you? Where are you going to do the Freedom programme if your partner does not go out to work and will be looking other your shoulder? He sounds like he is deliberately undermining your confidence though and that would just exacerbate your depression and anxiety. I haven't see any of your previous threads so don't know if you are on medication for your depression but it might be worthwhile getting checked out in case you need to start some or have dosage altered.
Hope things improve for you and good luck. 
It's so obvious from your post that he's setting you up to fail and turning you against yourself. He's really messing with your head BIG TIME I'm not surprised you feel so bad. You really do need to get you and your son away from him. He's manipulating your son and turning him against you. He sounds v clever abs extremely toxic. There's nothing wrong with going out and enjoying yourself. He's told you to go off and have fun so he can chop you back down to size when you get home drunk. Amazing how he's managed to twist and turn everything around so he's making you out to be the bad one. He is pure evil. I really hope you get yourselves away from him. Take care 
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.