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Getting divorced - he is worse than I thought!

(20 Posts)
donners312 Thu 04-Feb-16 13:42:13

I have lurked for years and don't even know where to start.

But i would so appreciate you wise mums netters to advise me where you can!

So to cut a very long story short I left my STBXH in July. I returned back to the UK whilst he stayed abroad.

Since we have returned he has shown NO interest in the DC (age 12 and 9). He never calls them and it has been heartbreaking to watch them be totally cast aside.

Having read another thread i now realize he is totally financially abusive! So many things i have read in that thread i could have written myself it is quite unbelievable.

I also now find my self having to find a job in what is a strange country to me (the UK) to support myself and the children I don't know where to start.

I have had to massively down size and feel so sad for my children but to be fair they don't seem bothered and are actually happy.

He doesn't care where we live, if the children are OK or not (never mind me) what we live on? he just doesn't appear to care less!!

In the meantime he drives around in a sports car, has a new GF (trying to find out if he is sponging, ahem i mean living with her) and earning an absolute fortune!!!

He replies to no solicitor letters, has refused to sign 3 petitions and now i have had to file in court to get access to his financial information. does anyone know what happens if he still doesn't disclose anything?

I am so traumatized by his completely narcisstic behaviour and have no support in UK although my family have been great from a distance!

Danceintherain2015 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:00:01

Oh poor you - I could have written your post 3 years ago! ( including the having to come back to the uk with DC's and huge downsize!
practucL things first - have you got somewhere to live ? Look at Tax credits , register for Housing Bemefit if you are renting and child benefit then look for a job - what skills do you have ( languages if abroad?)
As for your STBXH - that's not as easy ! I think going as No Contact as possible helped me hugely to separate my feeling about him pre split to those post ! Let him sort out contact with his children - you just facilitate it - (you don't mention ages )but assuming they are old enough let them discuss with him - I just send email updates if I need to ( and tbh avoid that if possible !!) !
If it's any consolation , 3 years on I am totally happy , my children are well adjusted and I have a new partner who thinks I'm amazing ( well having been through all this shit - I am!!) and so will you be , looking back I would not go back and look at him and wonder at myself !! hmm

donners312 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:20:49

Oh thank you so much for your reply and I am so happy that things worked out for you. I cannot imagine 3 years on everything being ok. I feel like I have aged ten years I doubt another man would ever look at me even if I could be bothered (which i definitely can't!)

Thank you for the advise about tax credits i will look into that - I don't have any skills!!! and am really inflexible with hours as i have no help with the children (they are 12 and 9) and don't really know anyone here.

I have asked him to give me dates he would like to see the children this year - no response!!!

I have now made some plans and I know he will be really happy to be released of any responsibility of seeing them. He has made no effort so far as I say he doesn't call them and I ask them to call him once a week - he usually doesn't answer so maybe I should just leave it but I don't want him to walk away from them completely but maybe it's inevitable.

You wonder if these men regret what they've done but suppose he has a fab new sex life to keep him busy so probably doesn't even think about us.

donners312 Thu 04-Feb-16 14:22:20

He has actually asked me not to contact him anymore!! which made things a lot easier as he was sending such bullying and irrational texts just full of lies. I do feel better now it is NC.

mumndad37 Thu 04-Feb-16 15:36:39

It seems to me that in most divorces, by the time the divorce is really final, you really get to see the other half at their worst, and it confirms that you are doing the right thing by getting away. You will have no regrets in the end. flowers

donners312 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:43:38

yes mumndad there is that but i do think how much worse can he get?

He has closed bank accounts so I have no access to money, gives me dribs and drabs (because after all he is so reasonable) but basically expects me to live off savings (that were mine prior to marriage) and doesn't bother his arse one bit basically leaving EVERYTHING to me - whilst sending me abusive messages about how hard his life is.

But i know they can get worse and am sure he will!! :0(

SolidGoldBrass Thu 04-Feb-16 16:48:50

Have you got a lawyer? A good one will soon get this man put in his place. He cannot just ignore his financial responsibiities by hiding, and he can be prevented from sending you abusive texts. He's not a master criminal, he's just a prick.

donners312 Thu 04-Feb-16 16:58:43

Hi SGB. yes I got a solicitor but he never responds to anything (other to send a lengthly response re the petition that was all full of lies basically)

That is exactly what he is doing - gone into hiding (with someone I think)

Now I have left him and read about narcissists I realise that is him 100%!!

so scary to think you have lived with someone and even had children and not really know them is so scary!! and feel sick to have saddled my lovely children with such a psycho for a dad!! I feel so bad about that. but he just appears to not care one jot for them.

Danceintherain2015 Thu 04-Feb-16 17:50:25

And that's the thing with narcs Donners - they really don't care about anyone bit themselves !! They care solely about themselves - I always say look for the definition of a narcissist and underneath it says Mr Danceintherain!!!
He has a shiny new wife/ child to go with his shiny new life and it hurts like hell ( also any time I call on him for ANYTHING - I get the abisive texts too!!) I can see now though he's doing just the same to her ( Spahn , financially dependent on him thousands of miles from her own country !! Oh well what goes around .....as she was OW !!
My ex also gone into hiding ( self employed and could live anywhere but chipset to live 100 miles away so he only has to do the minimum !!
As for someone new - I felt the same till I met my DP who waited patiently and broke down all my barriers till I woke one day and thought Oh I fell for him somewhere along the way!
Don't feel that you have "saddled" your children with a FW think that you gave them a GREAT mum !! You will be the driving force in their lives and they will remember that !
Someone on MN told me " they will remember you were the parent who didn't walk away " and that rings so true !
I am British and came from a European country , don't know if that helps but if I can help at all with practical stuff pm me 😀

donners312 Tue 09-Feb-16 20:08:23

today i have heard that STBXH has lost his job and may be coming back to the UK.

He has written to say he is giving no more money (not that he was giving very much) or paying school fees.

AND he wants half of the money I have here in the UK.

All the money he had access to has somehow disappeared?

Why doesn't he care about his children?

and to boot got everyone feeling sorry for him - he has put our poor and lovely children through hell and shown not once any care for them or how they were getting on living in a new country but somehow he is the victim????

I feel so ill and sick!!

Resilience16 Tue 09-Feb-16 21:13:16

Donners you did the right thing to get away from this man. He is financially and emotionally abusive. Save the abusive texts as evidence. Go back to your solicitors re his change of circs. I doubt whether he can access your money , but get some financial and legal advice. Citizens Advice are free. Women's aid are a good source of support for people escaping an abusive relationship and are open 24/7.
Don't panic.You will get through this.
Hugs x

TeapotDictator Tue 09-Feb-16 21:58:47

You need to be dealing with this through a fantastic solicitor who is used to dealing with very difficult characters. I am 3 years into divorcing a similar man and it has been horrendous. I don't know how I would have survived without my legal team.

If he is not cooperating, you are going to have to play hard ball. Do you have any way of proving that he has money that he is hiding? Is he paying your legal fees?

Men like this will always play the victim. Mine does the same thing. PM me if you'd like to talk more, happy to help if I can. (I've been to about 20 hearings now so feel well-versed in the process!)

donners312 Wed 10-Feb-16 13:20:14

I am also really concerned now that there is a chance he may go for 50/50 custody so that he will never have to pay me any maintenance.

He has possibly called the children 5 times since July???

He shows no interest in the what so ever, even when I have let him know one of them was in hospital - nothing!!!!

it seems to be what these arseholes always do from what i have read on here?

I don't expect him to get another job he would prefer to go on the dole than give me anything - although i will of course grass him up seeing as he has hidden loads of money and i can prove it.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-Feb-16 14:17:19

He will NOT want 50/50
I can almost guarantee it
He will threaten it though.
And as he has now money to pay maintenance and hasn't been supporting them properly all this time he will NOT get half of your savings.
Your solicitor can make sure of that.
Keep NC. He's not interested so you shouldn't be either.
Let him live it pitiful life as a narc.
He'll end up with no-one. Everyone sees through narcs in the end.
Take care of yourself and your kids and ignore, block and ignore some more any contact from him.
Send everything from him, yes everything, to your solicitor.
If it gets abusive then go to the police and get him done for harassment!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-Feb-16 14:17:55

Any proof of any money movements, give to your solicitor.

donners312 Wed 10-Feb-16 14:23:51

thank you hells bells. Yes i have sent her everything but she doesn't seem to really do anything with it. Do they just wait until it all goes to court and then let them have it?

At the moment people are believing him which is quite frustrating and few people have mentioned that they think he is having a nervous breakdown.

I nearly fell for it but then my dad pointed out that he will be thinking quite clearly when it comes to screwing money out of me and the children.

and sadly he is right.

donners312 Wed 10-Feb-16 14:25:13

he is also telling everyone he is seriously ill "but can't discuss it"!!!

he has barely been out of the dr.'s since i met him 13 years ago.

I honestly don't think a month will have gone by where he wasn't at either the Drs' or hospital - no joke!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-Feb-16 15:01:04

Good grief - you are well away from that then.
The truth will out.
Let him spread his lies.
When he doesn't pop his clogs he'll have to come up with some other lie and people will soon realise what he is really like.
It won't take long.

slug Wed 10-Feb-16 15:24:14

Well, looking on the bright side, if he is seriously ill and dies soon you will inherit everything. Perhaps you should mention that to him.

donners312 Wed 10-Feb-16 15:50:17

you both made me laugh!!!

i'll keep my fingers crossed slug!!!

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