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can't imagine staying, can't imagine ending it.

(2 Posts)
sadandfrightened Thu 04-Feb-16 12:55:52

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 8. We have been involved with Relate for 3 years and have DD 7 and DS 4. DH is so supportive and a loving father but we are just childminders under the same roof. Sex was never a big thing for him (it's been over 3 years) and investigation revealed low testosterone (incidental finding of an aneurysm too, awaiting treatment, I need to support him through that).

I have been trying to concentrate on the good things for so long but our relationship just feels so wrong. We are not a couple, we have no shared interests and we have just drifted further and further apart.

We are back at Relate (we were offered 10 free sessions under a government scheme) but even the counselor doesn't seem hopeful for us. We tried sex therapy before but she stopped our sessions as we weren't doing our homework - it didn't feel right for me and was an effort for him.

I have a mood disorder and was hospitalised recently for a breakdown. This ongoing stress is so bad for me but maybe without his support I'd be worse?

He says I'm the one who wants out, I need to leave. He has brought up the fact that I have a mental illness and wouldn't be able to deal with children up during the night (my medication knocks me out but I could take it earlier) and what if I had another breakdown?

He moved miles from his hometown to be with me and said last night that he lives for coming home to the kids, has no other life, no friends, it's very sad. He said he needs to see them every night after work.

If he was awarded custody it would be awful for me. If I was, it would be awful for him. I don't think I could cope seeing the children suffer, that I am the cause. I just can't go on living a lie in this marriage. I'm sure the kids sense this distance between their parents. I'm a SAHM and I need to be with them. I think I can do it alone but I feel terrible about trying to push their daddy out, this whole situation is tragic. I'd feel better if we were fighting but we are civil, just distant. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Divorce is so uncommon where we live, I'm very alone and desperately sad about this.

Has anyone been through a similar situation?

BlondeOnATreadmill Thu 04-Feb-16 13:06:42

Not exactly the same, but I did leave a 20 year relationship. You don't have to have custody awarded to anyone. We didn't. The kids initially stayed with me for 5 nights a week and with him for 2. Later on, for practical reasons, they stayed with him 3 nights a week and with me 4. He took them on holidays. So did I. It's important not to use the kids as a weapon and you must never deprive one parent of contact.

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