I've seen my son again after 4 years, Help me stay in contact with him.

[ihatethecold]

There is a lot of background to this situation.
My DS25 called me last week after 4 years of him not wanting contact, in tears because he had split up from his girlfriend of 10 years.
We talked for hours, he said he was very sorry for what happened and he needed me.
I said i will help in anyway i can and would be free to see him and talk on the phone if needed.
Anyway we met up and it was great to see him.
He said he didn't see me because his girlfriend hates me and thinks i phoned social services 4 years ago and said their house was a tip. (I didn't call SS and my DS now realises this.)

My DS now wants me to meet with his girlfriend and talk, I am ok with this i think and will do it to support my Ds but i know she has said some really nasty things about me.
I have been very careful to not say anything negative about her because I knew they would get back together at some point and i do think she has put up with alot from my DS.

I can feel my anxiety creeping back and i don't like it.

She is the mother of my grandchildren and i would like to have a cordial relationship with her so i can see my GC again. (she broke my heart when she said I couldn't see them again)

I also feel i need to protect my self and my other children (12 and 15) from going through the same heartbreak again.
My 12 yr old was devastated when contact stopped in 2012.

It does help that we live 60 miles apart.

I'm sorry its long.

[stitch10yearson]

She sounds toxic. If it werent for the grandchildren, I would say she is better far and away from you and your family.

[firesidechat]

What does he want you to do? Persuade her to get back with him? I wouldn't get involved with that and if she doesn't even like you what chance do you have of making it all better? Much more likely to make it considerably worse.

[Pootles2010]

When you say she's put up with a lot from him, what exactly do you mean?

[ihatethecold]

They have got back together, I wouldn't Interfere with that ever.
He has spoken to her and said he wants to stay in contact with me and his siblings.
He would like it if we could move on, I am Happy to do this but it scares me to become involved again and the rug is pulled from under me again.
It took me a long time to get over losing my ds and his kids.
My ds seems to have grown up a lot which is really nice to see.

pootles
Ok, where to start.
He made them homeless twice, first by spending the rent/HB then he did it again by getting them evicted. They spent quite a lot of time in a homeless hostel with a young baby.
I gave her lots of support whilst this was happening. I really felt for her and was very cross with my thoughtless Ds for putting her in these situations.

I thought we got on ok but then she would say all sorts of nasty comments about me.

[QuiteLikely5]

In your shoes I would: never pass a bad comment about this woman ever again to your son.

Smile and be polite at all times when in her company.

Don't give her any reason to discredit you at all.

If your son has anything bad to say about her to you, just nod sympathetically.

This would be my approach. I couldn't imagine not having contact with my children/grandchildren. How sad for all involved

[ihatethecold]

I have been very careful to just nod at him and listen when he was upset.
His father (we are not together)has made his feeling very clear about how he feels about her.
It wouldn't be too strong a word to say they (GF and DS's Father)hate each other which has now backfired on my ex since they have now got back together.

I do think she is controlling, she split up with him then constantly caled and wanted to know who and where he was with.

When he said he had contacted me she went ballistic, saying if you see your mum you wont see your kids.

god, my heads a mess!

[dottypotter]

I admire you for proceeding with caution you do need to think of yourself and other people in the family. She sounds unpredicatable and controlling not very nice traits.

[ihatethecold]

Thank you Dotty.
I've wanted more than anything in the world to be able to see my ds again, it really felt like a part of me was missing.
I do have a happy life and had accepted he wasn't part of it.

After the initial excitement of him getting back in contact is wearing off I'm finding its being replaced with anxiety.

Maybe i need a good cry and get it out of my system.

[goddessofsmallthings]

A good cry sounds like a plan as this development will have undoubtedly opened up old wounds and given rise to fears that future contact with your ds will end as it has done in the past.

It seems to me that you're best advised to hope for the best while preparing for the worst, with the worst in this case being that the gf will again prevail on your ds to end contact with you.

However, you've survived it once and you can do so again in the knowledge that your dgc will make their own way to you when they are older.

With this in mind, I suggest you play the long game. Be friendly and non-judgemental towards the gf and say how much you've missed seeing her and the dgc. Perhaps you can wrap some gifts by way of belated Christmas presents as this may serve to remind her that there are advantages to keeing in touch with you and, while it may not advisable to suggest this at the initial meeting, offer to babysit the dgc so that she and your ds can have a break one weekend.

This may seem like throwing money at the problem, but in cases of this nature I see no harm in financial and other inducements doing whatever it takes to facilitate an ongoing relationship between a loving dgm and her dgc.

I don't envy you having to steer a path between your ds's immaturity and that of his gf, but it will be worth it if you are able to re-establish contact with your dgc

I recommend a good sob in a nice warm bath after your dc have gone to bed, followed by a nightcap of hot milk to which you've added a spoonful of sugar and a tot of whisky before you slip between the sheets.

Onwards and upwards! What doesn't break us, makes us.

[ihatethecold]

I recommend a good sob in a nice warm bath after your dc have gone to bed, followed by a nightcap of hot milk to which you've added a spoonful of sugar and a tot of whisky before you slip between the sheets.

That made me chuckle. Thanks, your post was very well thought out.

[ihatethecold]

Ps. I hate whisky. Misses point

[goddessofsmallthings]

I'm glsd I've made you chuckle and hope you'll be able to retain your sense of humour during and after your meeting with the gf.

Is brandy or a tot of rum more to your taste? To my mind hot milk doesn't go with vodka or gin, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a cold nightcap if either of those spirits are your usual tipple as the point of the exercise is to allow you drift off into restful sleep rather than tossing and turning into the early hours.