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Dying Dads comments are dragging down

(27 Posts)
whatisforteamum Wed 03-Feb-16 13:37:06

Ive always thought working hard was something to be admired.not to buy material things as much as to keep out of debt.
The last few yrs with Mum and Dad have been all about their cancer treatments and hospital trips.
Despite this the 2 dcs have found employment and all credit to dd who has been working 45 hr weeks so now we have an income with cash to spare when previously we survived on my part time job as we had no family help with dcs and dhs wage.I also have been doing 40 plus hrs shift work as they are old enough to cook for themselves.
The last few months weve bought a new dining table things for the home,my car.I dont compare myself to others and feel a real sense of achievement that after many yrs of making do we can have a few things.
Tuesday dd was off at the same time as me (rare as we all work different days) and she asked me if we could visit her g parents.
They made drinks then df started asking about family meals which he knows are once a week as we get home at 1130 some eves,Then he started about why we dont go on holidays abroad...its never bothered me and is his regret perhaps.I know he is very ill and realises how short life is himself however i think it is sad he cant be glad about our achievements.
we dont have a lavish lifestyle like my brother with 2 homes and luxury goods and we arent on benefits like my dsis.
I love working and when im off i count the days to going back.
I have a new job so does it give him the right to go on and on everytime i see him about how my life is an existance if i can see the positives ?It is dragging me down.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Feb-16 13:41:43

I don't understand, sorry.

Are you saying you don't have much money and your dad keeps asking why you don't treat yourselves to holidays, or are you saying you do have quite a bit but you prefer to save it?

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 03-Feb-16 13:44:39

I don't understand either. They've got cancer and you're upset that he's suggesting you should live life and go on holiday more?

hownottofuckup Wed 03-Feb-16 13:48:25

I don't understand either, it almost sounds like DD is working more hours then you so now you can afford a car and a new dining table.
That can't be right?

Seeyounearertime Wed 03-Feb-16 13:51:34

Is your Dad basically saying theres more to life than working? that sort of thing?

Maybe he doesn't want you to end up on your death bed and regretting not spending less time at work and more time with family etc?

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 13:55:44

Cancer makes you see things in a new light and he is expressing that.

If he is saying that experiences like holidays and having family time over a meal are more important than cars and tables, then I agree with your dad.

HarmlessChap Wed 03-Feb-16 13:56:37

Its common enough for people to try and warn others about not getting the work life balance right but its not him its you who has to decide what that balance is.

I guess that his situation is probably bringing his own mortality into sharp focus, maybe he had regrets and doesn't want you to.

The worry for me would be if his comments were as a result of something one of the DCs had said and I would ask him if that's the case, otherwise its your life to lead in your own way.

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:00:17

I don't mean flash holidays, by the way, just the ones where you spend time with your loved ones.

I can honestly say that when we get together our grown up children never reminisce about that lovely sofa we had, but they spend hours taking about camping holidays and suchlike.

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:06:04

I've re read your post and not sure I do get it.

I think I would need to know more about the circumstances - age of children, cancer prognosis.

I think that you should cut the parents with cancer some slack actually. It sounds terrible for them and what they are saying is possibly annoying, but not that bad surely.

Jackie0 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:09:03

So you are living with your two adult children and your financial situation has improved to allowed some purchases but your DF has suggested the money would be better spent on a holiday ?
Okay if I've understood correctly then your DF is seeing things in a different light because he realises life is short that doesn't mean you should do anything rash or anything you don't want to do.
My advice would be not to take it so personally , we all have different points of view.
Your happiness isn't dependant on his current viewpoint.

whatisforteamum Wed 03-Feb-16 14:16:53

sorry wordied wrongly.Dad has always wanted us to have new things and we always had second hand table as dcs could paint and do art on the table no worries,he wanted us to buy buy buy like they did eventhough we had a mortgage on a low income.Money was set aside for rainy days which was handy when dh had a heart attack and was off for 6 weeks.
DD only gives £30 a week housekeeping and £10 fuel if dh takes her to work which is less than the bus.The rest is hers to spend or save.
I find it hurtful that we get comments that the table was £195 from argos and not quality from furniture village.The same as they have £1000 beds which we dont.
My car wasnt new either although they had to agree it is nice.
I think it is soo sad they are so materialist and dad said he regretted not going abroad more(i dont see it as a life goal).
True he was given until March as a general prognosis i wouldve thought this would make him realise fancy things cant buy you happiness .I love him dearly and mum and will be chuffed to be at their 50th do this month.I wasnt good enough as a part time mum and home to provide a home cooked meal now im not good enough working more.I will have to suck it up i guess.

FriendofBill Wed 03-Feb-16 14:22:40

I think you should suck it up, if he is living his last days, you don't want your memories of his last days to be your resentments that he disagrees with your lifestyle.
Let it wash over you.
Just concentrate on supporting him, trying to listen and being a good daughter...

whatisforteamum Wed 03-Feb-16 14:24:42

dcs are 17 and 18 both parents are terminal and have had alot of chemo over the yrs now df was told march.I guess even adult children dont want constant criticism.We are living life on our income and shift work situation (which is fine by us).

gooseberryroolz Wed 03-Feb-16 14:30:55

Travelling and seeing some of the world IS a life goal for many people and might be a legitimate regret for your DF. The way he is phrasing his regrets might sound (unfortunately) a bit too much like criticism of your life and choices but he probably means 'life is short - enjoy it'. I think you need to accept that as he probably means it and not take offence.

I'm still confused about how DD's wages allowed you to have a new dining table, however.

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:34:08

I don't want to be harsh, but you have two very ill parents who have been through a lot and one is about to die.I really think you need to put your resentment aside and concentrate on the important things.

My parents are very different from me and my children are very different in other ways. I can totally understand your dad saying he wished he had gone abroad more. How old is he? I assume not 3 score years and 10 or is he?

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:36:49

I also don't see what your children earning has to do with anything much. DD could probably do with giving you more money for keep, depending on her circumstances. (Massive side issue I know)

Jackie0 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:45:26

Spending money and being materialistic isn't inherently wrong , it just isn't your cup of tea.
You might think you wanted your df to have a big realisation that he was wrong and you were more correct and prudent but that really isn't what's going on here , is it op?
You wanted your parents to be proud of you and approve of your choices and that's the most natural thing in the world.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but there will be a time when you will see it much more clearly .

Katedotness1963 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:46:57

You're upset because your dying father is telling you to live life to its fullest?

firesidechat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:54:11

You posted an almost identical post a year ago. I think you need to get over this. Your dad doesn't sound any more annoying than the average parent and certainly no more annoying than me for instance, as I'm sure my children would confirm.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer a few years back. He is clear at the moment, but will have to have treatment and operations for the rest of his life. If he only had a while to live and I discovered that one of my children had your attitude to him I would be pretty disgusted to be honest.

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 03-Feb-16 14:56:08

Your parents, certainly your dad, are in their final few weeks of life and you are criticising them?

I am a bit ??? At your posts in general but it seems he is saying you should live a little and you are berating him for that.

Put all this aside and try and cherish the last few weeks

IrianofWay Wed 03-Feb-16 15:07:44

Was he criticising you though? it didn't sound like it.

whatisforteamum Wed 03-Feb-16 15:29:10

Sometimes he laughs out loud at our choices,food clothes etc i guess the fact he is still here since my post last spring is fantastic and the fact he is transferring his own hopes and wishes is just that.HIS wishes.
What he would want.My dsis has gone nc as she thinks being ill doesnt excuse their behaviour.
I love them both however so will just fob it off as i have the last 2 decades.Just haveing a low week.Thank you for replying.

Towardsthesun Wed 03-Feb-16 15:40:20

I don't think he should be commenting on your table or any of your furniture. Do they have to know everything and be so involved in your life? Can you step back a bit and not tell them anything you don't have to and also cut them a bit of slack under the circumstances.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 03-Feb-16 15:45:50

Hello OP I recall your previous threads, I know you've worried about your parents ' health for a long time.

Parents are flawed, DF may not have been raised by parents who openly praised DCs so he inherited that tendency.

If on your next visit something similar happens just say "Yes dad I'll remember that" or suchlike to reassure him you're listening and he might not say it again. If you need a moment to collect yourself find a simple excuse to step out of the room. Post here later to get it out of your system.

Jackie0 Wed 03-Feb-16 15:56:23

Laughing at your things sounds mean and your dsis being nc would back that up .
Try to just humour him , there's nothing to be gained now in trying to make him understand your point of view .
Shrug it off , easier said than done I know .

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