Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Curious how much time would you/ have you given a guy to get interested in dating you?

(7 Posts)
LovePGtipsMonkey Wed 03-Feb-16 00:56:52

Just curious about those situations, where a woman likes/fancies a man but he is not so quick on the uptake, or possibly she's not his immediately favourite type OR he's shy, etc. I know there are success stories when a woman took the lead or was just patient building a rapport/friendship first.

But how long would you give it, and especially from those who did get into the relationship, how long did it take and do you have any tips? Did you hide your interest or the opposite? I do mean when the guy generally does like you socially-speaking.

Theendispie Wed 03-Feb-16 09:20:42

DH was my friend for a long time before I dated but I had no grand plan in trying to attract him

I didn't and still wouldn't chase after a man, relationships always seemed a bit of an inconvenience to me as they demand time and effort.

So though I ended up with a slow burner of a relationship I was blissfully unaware for a long time that DH liked me in a romantic way. So I guess I am the person that you are aiming for. When DH revealed his feeling I was very much wtf and no great rush of feelings appeared and I rejected his offer. We were work colleagues so we still saw each other.

Over a period of months and with him not being petulant or weird about it the whole love thing did blossom. He really is a decent human being and I could see that, plus he is very interesting and a good conversationalist. We share a love of political history and economic theories.

I relented and we married and we have had our DS. I actually didn't want to marry or have DC. So this was a massive turn around.

DH was incredibly patient and was my close mate for 2 years and then after his declaration it was about another 6 months. He certainly played the long game.

We will have been together for 20 years in September, it works because he allows me plenty of space. I like to go off for long walks by myself and also have a hobby he has no interest in fortunately DS and I share the same hobby.

LovePGtipsMonkey Wed 03-Feb-16 13:32:46

thanks, Theend. Well it's the other way round in your case - he was interested but you weren't (romantically) - still useful to hear what worked to turn your attitude around. But I was particularly interested when it's the woman who is interested more/first.

IME slow friendship approach (from a nice interesting guy) very often works when it's the woman on the receiving end, when men supposedly decide much faster if they are attracted, but I wanted to hear examples of the reverse!

VivaHate Wed 03-Feb-16 14:25:51

First time I realised I fancied DH was at a party in the July. I mean it hit me from nowhere, it was a full on "oh my god I am going to marry this man" moment based on the fact he had the nicest smile I had ever seen blush. We spoke on Facebook a bit after this, then more frequently, then finally in the October he asked me out for a drink. And that was that. So it was about 3 months.

We are both shy and introverted so really it feels like pot luck that we ended up together at all...! He was completely unaware that I fancied him and I think he only asked me out because we were talking so frequently and got on so well, not because of any "omg she's a right babe" feelings (of course, he would deny this now!)

LovePGtipsMonkey Wed 03-Feb-16 17:57:05

hi Viva, thanks! Did you initiate with FB? also what was the chat like - you mean you never hinted that you found him attractive and it was just chat about common interests? maybe your tone was a bit flirty. Was he definitely single - or did you ask (hint in itself)?

Just wondering how the dynamics work successfully with showing initiative and if he is not immediately responsive were you still initiating a few times after that?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 03-Feb-16 18:41:51

OP, just ASK HIM OUT. Don't do silly games about trying to find out whether he's interested or not. You're not a teenager in the playground (or are you?).

It's 2016. Women can also take the lead in things like asking men out, you know. And if the guy you are interested in in shy or quick on the uptake - and not all of us can spot signals - just flipping ask him out. If he says no, you know where you are and can move on.

LovePGtipsMonkey Wed 03-Feb-16 19:26:20

I don't want to spoil it, Still. I'm not against asking a man out, I've done it (though with no success in those cases as they turned out to be attached). I just don't sense he is ready iykwim - I do actually know that from his keeping the polite distance and not asking me out. So I'd rather build it up as a social chat first/being friendly until I see that he is more obviously interested. Or drop it if no change. But I do wonder how long to give it as it's been 3 months of very sporadic contact, maybe met up about 5 times in group situations.

I THINK there is more eye contact and smiling just lately than it was at the start, and he is quite friendly, but no initiative from him. He does know my contact details as I've offered, though so far we only interact on social media a little. I know the obvious response is 'not interested' but I'm not after instant results as let's fave it, it's real life and sometimes things don't move fast. I see examples of women perservering a bit and 'getting there' in some cases. OTOH I don't want to waste too much time if it's a dead end. I just think he's not the type to get pushed into anything by sheer assertiveness from a woman.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now