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Confused - really confused but still raw

(31 Posts)
Dollygirl2008 Tue 02-Feb-16 16:42:51

Hi
Please see original thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2463347-Left-after-26-years-for-the-woman-at-work

Well, the inevitable has happened. Yep, he's back. Not together as a "couple" but he's left OW and is back under our roof. We are still very close as "friends" - he's a broken man and I just can't see someone I loved for 26 years like this, so our house is big enough for us to share. It's nice he gets to see DD. This is a temporary arrangement. Since my anger died at Christmas, we've actually got on and discovered the "friends" within each other. He's looking at flats to rent. But I'm confused.

Am I thinking that we could be OK after all the sh*t? I don't think I'd ever get over the trust or how he did it - to be honest, as my original post said - we hadn't been happy for years. But could we overcome that??

I actually feel panicky at the thought of him leaving. Sorry for him almost, living in a pokey flat whilst the house goes on the market. I guess it was easier when he left for OW as I was entitled to feel furious. I'm just not a nasty person - some people call me a pushover but most say I've been dignified.

Perhaps I just need to go with it for a while. Its only been 3 days. Sorry - I felt I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

OurBlanche Tue 02-Feb-16 16:52:53

You are in danger of dignifying yourself into forgiving him and going through this again.

It isn't your fault his new, ready made, happy family didn't work out. And, to be brutally honest, I am at a loss as to why you opened your home to him again. And you sound as though your heart is at risk, again. Why do you care?

No, really. Given that he left and set up with another woman and her kids why do you care where he lives, how pokey his flat will be? You should be even more furious that he even thought you would take him back in again. How little does he think of you, your feelings, to come whimpering back to you?

Unconfuse yourself, this very instant!

(I hope that helped a little smile )

Dollygirl2008 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:07:27

You're right Of course you are right. I think I'm just perhaps wondering about the "easy" option - ie, our beautiful big house, lifestyle, cars, joint income, holidays - ie all the shallow things that really don't mean anything if you're not happy. And I'd always been waiting for the next argument and "i'm off" threat.

I've let him back because it's still his house at the end of the day - still paying more than half for everything, and because it feels the right thing to do in the interim. Not sure whether it makes me the bigger person, or just the mug.

thanks xxx

MoominPie22 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:30:22

It makes you the mug. Sorry. You´re a convenience as far as he´s concerned. Obv your relationship has no legs otherwise it would´ve worked years ago and there never would have been another woman. But that shit happened for a reason. He´s taking advantage of your good nature.

Please take off the rose tinted glasses. Are you afraid of being alone? You def need to get your self-respect pants on and tell him this is The End. Cos there´ll only be another woman ( again ) further down the line. Could you really go through that shit again??

And don´t for 1 sec think you can´t do better than him and there are no other suitable men out there. There´s gonna be a lovely, decent man out there in your future somewhere who won´t cheat and treat you like shit and hurt you. But in the meantime I´d enjoy being a single lass. Why have mince when you can have filet mignon? You are better than him and what he has to offer. Remember that.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Feb-16 17:33:12

It makes you the soft landing. The second choice. The booby prize. If you can live with that, go for it.

Jan45 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:39:04

He is no friend, he is using you whilst he decides what is best for him, when has he considered your feelings, and yes you are being a soft touch, why do you even care how pokey his flat is, he made the choice to end things when he went to OW.

Let him stay, he will do it again.

And the last thing I would care about was him providing me with lavish things, I'd rather be skint and happy thanks.

Towardsthesun Tue 02-Feb-16 17:42:15

Oh you could write the script couldn't you? Leaves you suddenly and cruelly for another woman then straight back to home comforts when he realises the grass isn't greener. Do not trust him whatsoever.

pocketsaviour Tue 02-Feb-16 17:44:13

It only makes you a mug if you decide to let him back into the marriage without any thought to your future happiness.

You're right that he does have a right to live there. But don't feel sorry for him just because his OW kicked him back out. Be amicable for the DCs sakes, that will be dignified and better.

But protect your heart. You now know how little he values your marriage, and it's given you the chance to have a long hard look at things and realise you haven't been happy.

Many women make the choice to keep their eyes and ears closed while their husbands go off banging OWs, because they want to maintain their lifestyle. I don't think you are this kind of woman, from what you have written.

ilovewelshrarebit123 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:53:13

My ex left three times and I let him back three times. I told him if he went again that was it. He did so I moved back to my home town.

We too had a big house, a baby, amazing joint income, nice cars. I lost it all and now rent but my DD and I are happy.

He on the other has lost the OW to another man (not surprised) and his latest relationship is in tatters.

We are friendly but he brought it all on himself and I don't feel guilty at all.

You can be on your own and show him what an amazing woman/mum you are ... without him!

VocationalGoat Tue 02-Feb-16 17:56:00

I remember you well OP and empathised with you so much...
I still do. I was you. sad

This isn't resolved. It's far from resolved.
He's not 'back'. He's out of luck. Out of options.And you're it...the soft landing, as AnyFucker wrote.
He's pathetic. Oh OP...my situation, my ex was/is SO similar to yours. His gravy train ran dry so of course he's come home to you.
Read what AnyFucker said...several times over.
Oh OP, I know this ending. I lived it.
Maybe you have to feel the burn before you truly get your strength back. This isn't about recovering from the OW. It's about the fact that he's a pr*ck who walks out at the hint of another p*ssy. Sorry to be blunt.
He's weak. It's not enough to hold him, what you both had and this is because he's an unappreciative fool who needs to do some housecleaning of the soul. He needs to get his sh*t together, not come running home to Mummy when his new little plan hasn't come to fruition.

I know I had to feel the burn... I had to go back in order to wake up and walk away for good. I got burned badly the second time. But I never touched that flame again. God I was just like you...feeling sorry for his pathetic, broken mess of a life. He made his bed...

Don't be a mug. flowers But if you have to be, go ahead. You may get the wake up call and the strength to finally not care anymore.

Jan45 Tue 02-Feb-16 17:57:16

And why shouldn't he pay his share of the bills - another one also amazed at your leniency under the situation, he's lapping it up I bet.

Broken man - why, cos the OW kicked his sorry arse out.

VocationalGoat Tue 02-Feb-16 18:02:10

And one last thing...they can be stepfather to an army of kids...but you move on? Oh no...we can't have another man raising our child. There's that to consider as well.

Selfish men are not always nasty to your face. They can be 'friends'. It's about getting their way. And they'll be sweet as honey to get you to capitulate to their needs. Moving back in with you prevents you from moving on. Don't think this hasn't crossed his mind.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Feb-16 18:10:58

You will never move on and potentially meet a better man while he hangs around like a bad smell.

No decent man would come anywhere near if you have the HangDog Husband skulking about in the background.

bb888 Tue 02-Feb-16 18:13:29

Don't be his second choice here, he is only back because the person he would rather be with didn't want him.
He has made his choice re the flat, and you sound very kind, but don't waste any more time than you have to having him living with you and keeping your mind trapped.

Dollygirl2008 Thu 04-Feb-16 00:11:56

So - who wants a laugh then?!

He's gone back to her. yup - I'm the mug. Really loves her and wants to make it work. Thank you ladies for opening my eyes.

choceclair123 Thu 04-Feb-16 01:01:25

thanks forget about him and concentrate on you and your daughter. New chapter for both of you thanks

AnyFucker Thu 04-Feb-16 06:55:52

lucky escape for you

cupcakesandwine Thu 04-Feb-16 07:10:47

You worried about him because you are a decent person and because it is very hard to turn off the caring for someone you loved. I went through something very similar when my exH and I split up.

Unfortunately he does not extend the same to you. I suspect it would have come to this conclusion over time, but in a way he has let you off the hook by behaving so crappily now. Time to put yourself first with a clear conscience.

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 04-Feb-16 07:20:38

Oh Dolly, what a shit. Hopefully you can channel your anger now. Look after yourself and your daughter.

OurBlanche Thu 04-Feb-16 08:14:09

Ooooooooh! flowers and a big hug ((DollyGirl))

Sod him. Forget him. Do exactly what suits you best from here on in... and don't let him off with a penny that is due, a moment, a responsibility, a thing that you want him to provide.

He can gave his cake and eat it, but that isn't to say he won't have a few choking moments!

BlondeOnATreadmill Thu 04-Feb-16 08:43:55

Oh he's a twat. And he's being very cruel to you, isn't he? Remember that, when he tries to come back home again. Which he will. If he's already having problems with the OW, at a time when they should be in the "honeymoon" period, then believe me, it isn't going to work out for them.

Btw, there is not a cat in hells chance that you move in with someone BEFORE you have a relationship/sex etc. No way. He was definitely with her over the Summer.

I know it's very hard to imagine yourself with another man, when you've been with him for so long. But you may surprise yourself! I am the same age as you (46). I was with my first H from age 17 to 38. I left him (also because of infidelity) and I am now happily remarried. Been with DH for 7 years. He is lovely. A man with morals, unlike my first H. I can't imagine life without him. If I hadn't had the guts to leave first H, I would never have met DH. And that thought fills me with dread. I also had all the trappings that you describe. Big house, flash cars, holidays, bla bla. It all means nothing, if you're with the wrong person.

Please forget this man. Move on, start dating again when you're ready. You still have a lot of life to live.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 04-Feb-16 09:01:10

Now stop doing the 'pick me' dance get to a solicitor quick sharp to understand what you are entitled to.
Now he is back with OW things may change (they nearly always do) and this lovely amicable paying you could soon stop.
Get your information together and have a chat with a solicitor.
He is a cock of the highest order.

Hope you get your financials locked down tight. He's had a lot more time to plan this than you have.

Stsy angry: its good for what you need to do now.

PeppasNanna Thu 04-Feb-16 13:33:20

flowers for you op.
Hope your ok.

scarlets Thu 04-Feb-16 16:13:52

No one is laughing. I bet most of us are relieved for you though. You've dodged a bullet. Now it's time to play legal hardball.

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