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Why am I addicted to him?

(20 Posts)
LucyLocketX Sun 31-Jan-16 19:57:00

He's not a nice person. So why do I still want to be with him?

I don't understand. Can someone please explain?

LucyLocketX Sun 31-Jan-16 19:57:49

I'm very confused.

RedRainRocks Sun 31-Jan-16 20:00:09

Do you want to share a little bit more... No one can offer any words of advice or comfort based on your OP....

LucyLocketX Sun 31-Jan-16 20:06:47

He's verbally abusive. He doesn't apologise about it afterwards. He blames me for it.

So why do I still like him? I don't understand my feelings.

I feel like I want to fix him. But that's not something I can do is it?

Quietattheback Sun 31-Jan-16 20:11:22

Because, for whatever reason, this is what love looks like to you and you don't think you are worth anything more.

It's not true attraction, it's compulsion. The good news is you can do something about it by intensely focusing on yourself, your needs, your wounds, your own personal healing and growth. The bad news is that it is hard to get momentum going on that kind of self care when you feel shit about yourself. It's possible though.

Morasssassafras Sun 31-Jan-16 20:12:53

No you can't fix him, you can only fix yourself.

Is he nice to you in between being abusive? Most abusers are to begin with and that's one of the reasons we stay. We hope that they will stay the nice, loving man that they can be. They won't. I believe it's called a trauma bond.

summerwinterton Sun 31-Jan-16 20:14:57

And you probably have very low self esteem and for some unearthly reason think this is all you deserve?

ricketytickety Sun 31-Jan-16 20:15:03

Because every time he's abusive you crave him being nice to you.

No, you can't fix him. He probably doesn't want you to.

pocketsaviour Sun 31-Jan-16 20:45:42

What did you learn about relationships from your parents?

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jan-16 20:48:47

Quietattheback has it nailed down there. This is what love looks like to you.

LucyLocketX Sun 31-Jan-16 21:03:43

I don't know why I'm like this. I thought my self esteem was ok. My parents are happily married and I have a good relationship with them.

I did have a very traumatic breakup with someone else about three years ago and not sure if I'm fully over that. Could it be that? Thanks for your replies.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 31-Jan-16 21:13:04

You want to fix him. Oh dear.

He is not the man you want him to be but you could "fix" him to be "right".

You like the man you want him to be. Not the man he is. You are in love with a fantasy.

Maybe you don't want to be a person with two very bad relationships. The woman who bounces from loser to loser. As long as you cling to the fantasy, you think you are avoiding being that person. Actually, you are only avoiding the truth, you didn't dump this one when you should have.

ellebelle27 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:21:25

I'm guessing he's not verbally abusive all the time and that there is some niceness / love in between. Does wanting to fix him mean you want to get rid of the nasty times and just have the nice bits? If so you have created a fantasy person that will never exist. You can't change him and if he doesn't want to fix himself then you need to walk away.

bodenbiscuit Sun 31-Jan-16 21:27:11

I've been in your position many times op. In my case I'm sure it is because of a relationship with a father who has never shown any interest in me.

I've also wondered whether I can fix people, or if they will like me enough to be different this time. The fact is that with broken people, they were broken before we met them and they will continue to be broken long afterwards...All my relationships were hard and stressful in the beginning and I really believed that this was normal.

Lately I've turned a corner. I'm 35 now and I decided to start something with a man who I know is a good man and different from all the others who came before. And it's going really well smile although I've had to get used to him being nice all the time with no bizarre agenda!

Resilience16 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:29:45

You know in your heart that he is abusive and you deserve better. I know it is hard to disengage the reality (he is an abuser) with the fantasy (you can fix him and everything will be rosy) but believe me when I say it will probably get worse not better.
Take your courage in both hands and walk away from this abusive relationship. Yes it will hurt and yes you will feel sad and lonely but these feelings will pass and you will be free to move on to someone who treats you well.
I can guarantee if you stay it will be like ground hog day with the cycle if abusive behaviour ramping up, while your self esteem is gradually erroded and crushed.
Be brave and end it. Walk away before abuse becomes normality to you and you begin to doubt you have the right to be happy . When you look back afterwards you will wonder why you ever stayed.
Good luck and hugs for you x

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 01-Feb-16 08:55:10

There's something about him, or about your relationship, that is emotionally very similar to something you experienced way back in your formative years that fucked you up a bit.

We all have that kind of baggage, in some form or another, and when we encounter the people or situations who push our buttons, we are thrown back into old behaviour, or wanting to "replay" an old situation in order to get a different outcome this time. (Wanting to "fix" people is a strong indicator that you're trying to rewrite the past).

It's basically a sign that this relationship is unhealthy, and that you should a) stay away, and b) seek a good therapist. They will help you unravel the core issue, so you don't fall into the same trap again and again your entire life.

And well done for sensing that something here is amiss.

BlondeOnATreadmill Mon 01-Feb-16 09:01:00

Hung like a Donkey?

SelfLoathing Mon 01-Feb-16 09:21:53

What RiceCrispie said. I've been in exactly the same position and the only way to manage it is no contact. Inevitably you will break it in a weak moment but you start again and the periods of no contact get longer and longer and easier and easier.

It's to do with the dynamic of your relationship feeling "safe" or "comfortable" to you because it reminds you of something you grew up with. It may not be overtly abusive - for example a family where achievement is expected (so you associate love with having to "win" affection through achievement; having to persuade someone to love you) may do it if your partner is withholding of affection and will dole it out occassionally.

A common set up for this kind of relationship is a person with narcissist personality disorder ( or a functioning sociopath) and a person with borderline personality disorder. Their respective weaknesses (NPDs need for attention, worship and narcissistic supply but a fear of engulfment; BPDs fear of abandonment) can lead to a toxic on/off dance. There is a lot written on this if you google. May not apply to your situation as your man could just be an unpleasant person. But my own obsession meant I read a lot about this and did a lot of research and that "addictive" feeling is very common in the partners of narcissists.

No contact is the only way. Otherwise you'll just have to live with the pain which is no way to live.

Isetan Mon 01-Feb-16 10:05:35

This isn't about him (he has no special powers), it's all about you and undervaluing yourself. The good news is, there are professionals who can help you to understand why.

Change your focus from someone's behaviour you have no control over to the one person you can control, you.

outlookfoggy Mon 01-Feb-16 13:22:19

I feel sometimes, when someone treats you good and then bad it creates a bit of a fuck up in your mind where you are naturally wanting them to be nice again and trying to figure out what to do.

It's a mind game (been through it recently myself)

And even a sane person can find themselves "addicted".

I think once you REALLY step away, like cold turky, no contact - you begin to release the addiction and move to a place where you see clearly what a nob they are.

Can you just give yourself 60 days of absolutely ZERO contact?

That is what I have promised myself to do! Blocked him on everything!

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