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How to interpret and deal with DH's behaviour

(62 Posts)
CostaRicanBananas Sun 31-Jan-16 18:27:46

Five days ago, I said something which DH took the wrong way. No attempt to try to sort things out, just sheer anger and distance. I left him to it as I am normally the one pointing out that there is no need to scalet the situation over something minor. The distance continued even though he was still doing the normal, attentive stuff that he does. Friday evening, hell broke lose when he got ready to sleep on the sofa. I couldn't face it going on like that, I felt rejected, unfairly treated and that I deserved more than a weekend of misery. So I got angry, took my wedding ring off and threw it at him whilst telling him to 'stick it'. What I was really saying was "you can't possibly value our marriage to let this happen". And it's happened too many times, he cares more about winning than about us being happy. Things got out of hand, I called the police but he set off before they arrived. He called me countless times when he was on the road, and messaged me to ask why I had called the police. I only replied once to say that I had nothing to say to him, or nothing that he would care to take on board.
Since then, he's messaged me twice saying he loves his wife and why wasn't I answering his messages.
Various reasons: 1. what happened was serious, 2. I don't feel he ever takes what he keeps putting us through seriously, 3. he ran away like a coward, 4. he hasn't had the balls to do what a genuinely, caring and locking person would do - sit down and talk. Please remember that this is my point of view.
Today, not a word from him. He got home a little while ago, barely spoke to me and went to the gym as normal.
All these emotional roller coaster rides... We keep coming back to the same place, time and time again.
For the record: he's got money worries at the moment, there have been some problems at work and his youngest DS had a minor operation a few days ago (he didn't go to the hospital on the day and he's been criticised for it - not sure to what extent; I personally think he should have gone, even if it entailed a 6 hrs round trip). I suspect that he was at the ex's house this weekend.

DoreenLethal Sun 31-Jan-16 18:30:17

What did you say?

CostaRicanBananas Sun 31-Jan-16 18:32:59

By the way, what I said had to do with visiting his DS. We were originally supposed to go and visit him at the hospital at the weekend (according to DH) but he was discharged on the same day. So when I asked DH what the plan was, he said he didn't know whether his DS was going to be well enough to be taken out. All I said was that, in that case, he should go by himself and spend time with his son in their home. The whole contact arrangement has been by far the biggest issue in our relationship. He thought I was sulking whereas I thought it was simply the right thing to do. I did explain it as I tried to clear the air in between us but DH just didn't seem to want to know.

RandomMess Sun 31-Jan-16 18:33:47

I think you need to explain the background repeated behaviour a bit more. Plus just how nasty did it get for you to call the police?

HandyWoman Sun 31-Jan-16 18:37:04

Yes, what happened for the police to be called?

Contact is obviously a thorny subject with you both.

And I think the 'repeated behaviour' is relevant.

How long have you been together?

ricketytickety Sun 31-Jan-16 18:38:12

Did he get aggressive?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 31-Jan-16 18:40:08

When you have to call the police, you are long past sitting down and talking, and well into standing up and leaving.

Why did you let him back in the house? Whose house is it? Why are you still together?

Did the police track him down?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 31-Jan-16 18:43:48

Things got out of hand, I called the police but he set off before they arrived

In what way did 'things' get out of hand and did it involve one,or more, of his hands landing on you?

What action, if any, do the police intend to take and how come your h has simply walked back into your home and appears to be carrying on as if nothing untoward has occurred complete with continuing to blank you?

he's messaged me twice saying he loves his wife Have you altered his words? If not I find them most peculiar as it begs the question of which wife he loves, you or his ex?

Do you have dc with your h and/or do you have dc from a former relationship living with you and him?

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 31-Jan-16 18:44:35

Was he violent ?

CostaRicanBananas Sun 31-Jan-16 18:46:12

The repeated behaviour is this: something very minor happens, DH gets angry and accuses me of sulking and he sets up camp on the sofa. The moment he thinks my mood has changed, he gets angry and it invariably leads to him camping on the sofa for the night. It breaks my heart as there's no attempt to resolve conflict and further damages our marriage.
He head butted me on the nose. Enough for it to hurt and scare me, not enough to bruise or bleed. Then he went through my handbag and took hold of my engagement ring and the necklace he gave me for Christmas. He said that if I didn't want my wedding ring, then I might as well give him the other two items. At this point, I called the police as both actions made me feel utterly powerless - he's a very strong man and there was nothing I could do to stop his actions and show him that his behaviour was wrong.

Nottodaythankyouorever Sun 31-Jan-16 18:46:56

Did he get aggressive?

The OP was by throwing her ring at him

Hassled Sun 31-Jan-16 18:47:40

If things "got out of hand" sufficiently badly that you called the police then I imagine they were pretty bloody bad - the fact that he's not a man to have reasonable discussions about family issues seems to be the least of your problems. How/why has he managed to just return home as though it hadn't happened?

Hassled Sun 31-Jan-16 18:48:42

xpost - he headbutted you? Bloody hell.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 31-Jan-16 18:50:29

Get this man out of your life. He head butted you.

Throwingshade Sun 31-Jan-16 18:50:59

He head butted you?

Throwingshade Sun 31-Jan-16 18:51:53

You quite intentionally left that out of your OP, my love, to minimise. You really must leave this relationship. You know that deep down. That's why you didn't say what happened.

Throwingshade Sun 31-Jan-16 18:52:30

Heatbutting is really REALLY violent and really REALLY dangerous.

He could kill you doing that.

Clutterbugsmum Sun 31-Jan-16 18:52:37

I'd be packing his stuff and getting the hell out of my house and life.

He abusing you by sulking and now physically.

HandyWoman Sun 31-Jan-16 18:53:12

Ok: how to interpret DH's behaviour

He's abusive. Emotionally and physically. He's dangerous and you need to leave because it will escalate and next time you may be knocked unconscious or worse.

Please call Woman's Aid and take their advice.

Throwingshade Sun 31-Jan-16 18:53:40

You don't need to 'interpret' or 'deal with' violence. You just need to get the fuck out.

CostaRicanBananas Sun 31-Jan-16 18:54:08

The house is in both our names so unless I was to make a formal complaint, he's got the right to be here. The police spoke to him on the phone and advised me of my options.
We still need to talk about how we are going to sort out finances, living arrangements etc. I can only imagine that he's sticking his head in the sand, pretending nothing has happened.
The messages said "I love my wife, why would you that?" referring to me having called the police. Actually, he asked the same question quite a few times but not once there was a "it should never have come to this / it should never have happened; can we sit down and address what has happened? Sort out what is going to happen?". Then he asked me why I wasn't answering his messages.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 31-Jan-16 18:54:22

You threw your wedding ring at him, he head butted you, this is obviously not a good relationship - you need to separate

loveyoutothemoon Sun 31-Jan-16 18:54:56

Even if he never did it again, I couldn't stay after that.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 31-Jan-16 18:55:26

He's emotionally and physically abusive, and he's very dangerous. Was he arrested?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 31-Jan-16 18:56:03

So why didn't you make a formal complaint?

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