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Husband read my emails - now knows I want a divorce....

(48 Posts)
nearlyhadenough Sat 30-Jan-16 20:24:25

Oh my God!!!

WTF....

I went to see a solicitor about our complicated financial situation this week (awaiting further advice from a barrister) and I paid the bill online today.

I have been having major computer problems but didn't give a second thought to asking 'D'H to try and sort it. Apparently once fixed he checked to see if it was working so logged onto the internet and then clicked onto my email account!!!! The first email was a receipt from the solicitor. He then read the whole report of our discussion.

He was not happy.

He left. Then returned to ask some questions. I have been honest with him but this is not at all how I had planned it, and it could be all at the wrong time (hence barrister info).

He screamed and shouted, said he would sign some forms so that he did not have a single penny, that I would get nothing. Then he would get calm and say he had always loved me and always would until the day he died. He has gone again now - he doesn't know where he is going or if he will be back tonight or tomorrow.

I don't know what to do or what to feel. I didn't want it this way. I needed to be ready, to be strong enough. I'm not there yet. When he first went I cried and cried, but since we spoke briefly and I explained my reasons I feel better, but it doesn't feel real. I'm on my own (2 grown up children, one living with their partner and 1 working away) with no one in RL to call......

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 30-Jan-16 20:30:31

You are one step closer to your new life. You have one fewer difficult decisions to make, when to tell him.

What do you need to be ready and strong?

nearlyhadenough Sat 30-Jan-16 20:38:28

I've wanted to do this for so long. I've tried to leave many times, but he persuades me to stay, I give in, think I am not worthy of anything other than him.

I suppose it is a case of not bad enough to leave but not really good enough to stay - and I haven't been able to make the choice.

Our financial situation is complicated - the timing could mean the difference between marital assets of not enough to buy another house or enough to buy a nice home (all to do with an inheritance that isn't completed 5 years after death).

But, yes, one step closer - that has to be a positive!

WitchWay Sat 30-Jan-16 21:00:29

My solicitor uses an email address that H thinks is only for my work. I then forward everything to an address he knows nothing about & delete all traces. The only reason the solicitor doesn't use that address is because I don't automatically access it on my phone, I have to log in to find it.

Sorry you haven't been sneaky enough sad

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 30-Jan-16 21:11:26

Aren't you the poster who was waiting for his mums inheritance to hit the bank account and then would file for the divorce? Sure I recognise the name.

If that's the case, then maybe it's karma he found the emails.

FredaMayor Sat 30-Jan-16 21:17:37

I've wanted to do this for so long. I've tried to leave many times
You're shocked, but I think this is the right thing for you, it's just that the timing has been taken out of your hands. Seize it back, tell your solicitor what you want to get out of this, and fgs.. lock down your comms.

whattodowiththepoo Sat 30-Jan-16 21:18:08

Aren't you the poster who was waiting for his mums inheritance to hit the bank account and then would file for the divorce?

If that's true I'm glad he found out.

Kelsoooo Sat 30-Jan-16 21:22:54

Without knowing all the back story there I think you two are being pretty judgementla.

whattodowiththepoo Sat 30-Jan-16 22:12:01

Ok lol.

HortonWho Sat 30-Jan-16 22:25:24

I'm afraid I'm judging too.. If my husband was waiting until my mother's 800k came through before he filed for divorce, I'd be reacting similarly.

peggyundercrackers Sat 30-Jan-16 22:40:54

oh well now the cats out the bag I expect he will hide everything, can't say I would blame him tbh - most people would minimise their risk to someone else trying to take half of what they have. I don't think you should get the inheritance tbh - it is his families money not yours.

Kelsooo sorry I don't think the back story matters - it's not OPs money end of, at this point in time it's not even her DHs money yet she wants her cut. I would imagine if the posting was about a man doing the same thing he would be get slaughtered...

nearlyhadenough Sat 30-Jan-16 22:50:38

I can understand why you think it is good that he has found out. Yes I have been waiting for his inheritance to turn into cash.

His mother died over 5 years ago - the estate has been difficult to administrate. It has been divided up but property has not sold - so it has been his in name for some time.

I am in NO way attempting to fleece him/take all his money or any other way of saying it. But surely it is fair that I get a home? Or is it fair that he gets £800K (or more) plus half the equity in our house? I would be asking for a small percentage - nowhere near 50/50.

My 'D'H has had numerous affairs (he has admitted this), he decided many years ago (about 20) that our sexual relationship was over, all he wanted was someone to cook, clean and bring up his children (I am basically his housekeeper), he is a compulsive liar - telling me that he had lung cancer was the last straw (he hasn't, he can't prove he has).

We have tried couples counselling and psych-sexual counselling - both of which he decided he couldn't do. I have spent years trying to be the wife that he wants - I have never been good enough.

I need some peace - and yes, that does include a relatively (in the case) small amount of his money.

Epilepsyhelp Sun 31-Jan-16 00:45:16

If she died five years ago then he's already inherited so it should fall into the 'pot' anyway. But I do think it's a bit nasty hanging around until you get his inheritance... Feels wrong whatever he did. It was his mums choice where it went and she left it to him.

LeaLeander Sun 31-Jan-16 01:13:40

In the US, inheritance does not become marital property unless it's then invested into an already marital asset like a house. Is it diff there?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iminshock Sun 31-Jan-16 02:00:57

You don't deserve a single penny of HIS mother 's money. I don't care how many affair he has had that's despicable.

smallfry16 Sun 31-Jan-16 02:12:53

Why not? FFS its his fault why shouldn't OP have some of it?

smallfry16 Sun 31-Jan-16 02:13:50

Its easy to be so morally high grounded on the internet.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 31-Jan-16 02:29:34

Pfft. I say take his money, sling him out and start again. And yes, that's cold.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Jan-16 02:31:36

Create another email address asap.

It's a little late now, but do it anyway.

Wondering where his mother got all that money... Maybe it was earned by her husband, or earned from investment in dodgy industries, or from horrible rental properties. It surely is easy to sit on your high horse and judge people on the internet.

This woman has given a good chunk of her life trying to make a relationship work, bearing and bringing up children who are the deceased's grandchildren. Why shouldn't the money be used for their benefit? Apparently their own father wants to make sure she ends up in a homeless shelter and living on welfare. This will be lovely for her and the children.

Ask your solicitor if you and the children are entitled to a good share of the money since the property is in stbxh's name and has been for a few years of your marriage.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu Sun 31-Jan-16 03:24:46

If you don't know when the inheritance will come through, I would be wary of waiting too long for it. He won't be trying to hurry it along now too! If it takes years more, those are years you won't get back. Can you make the smaller amount work, e.g. smaller home, cheaper location?

Can you not make a claim when the money comes through after your divorce though?

Atenco Sun 31-Jan-16 03:25:56

I'm sitting on the fence here, but don't understand people automatically judging the OP on the little she has said.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Jan-16 03:58:52

If the property is effectively in his hands, under his control, and he could theoretically sell it, then maybe he could be made to hand over his equity in the family home and give it to you 100% since he is well set up. The welfare of the children will be taken into account in the family courts. If he has access to almost £1m in assets then I suspect making the children live on welfare might not be allowed.

Harriedharriet Sun 31-Jan-16 04:02:13

Easy on people. Sounds like she has been through the mill. You can be a little gentle.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 31-Jan-16 04:23:28

The children are grown, so I wouldn't think they'd be considered in any monetary settlements.

Interesting that inheritances are considered community property/marital asset. As Lea says, here they are considered the sole asset of the legatee in most circumstances.

OP, I suggest you let your solicitor know asap that your stbx now knows that you are filing for divorce. I suspect that he will be retaining his own solicitor immediately with specific instructions to protect his inheritance. I'd do the same in his situation. As I'm sure you would if the situation were reversed. I'll leave the moral judgement to others.

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