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back to rock bottom

(74 Posts)
NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 18:03:44

I'm 27, a student nurse and full time mum. I'm a single parent since finding out exp wanted to terminate and chose the girl he was having an affair with.
This conjured a big move to move back near some family.
Family help a little bit but are Ill themselves. I have a supportive neighbour. All the girls are out tonight and I can't go- no babysitter, no money.
Dd doesn't see her dad very often despite a court order.
She's in full time childcare as I work too. So I try to be fun in front of her. She's 3.5.
She shouldn't have just witnessed her mum break down the way she did.

Four years, four years of being stuck in this life. I love DD so much, my best friend, all I have.
Everything I do is a struggle, never any money, lack of sleep through worrying. I'm fat, overweight and I mess up everything I try to do. Nothing ever goes right. I try my best and I'm nothing but a failure.

Four years being trapped, four years of pretending I'm okay despite being on anti depressants. Four years of having no friends and no idea what to say to the ones I do have. Pity party- no thanks

Four years since someone just held me. Cuddled me? Was there for me. I just walk along on my own now. Everything is down to me.

There's absolutely nothing I can do, there's nothing much left in me. I've given up thinking life will change and listening to those who say it will and I'll have a family. It's not true.

I need help, just to accept this is my life and just get used to it. I made these choices.
How do I accept it all? This is all my bleak life will be? It's all there is and ever will be X

ItchyArmpits Sat 30-Jan-16 18:18:23

I couldn't read and run.

You say you're 'nothing but a failure', but you sound incredibly strong and brave. Your dd is so lucky to have you.
You are short of cash now but that will change. At 27 you are very, very young and your life is, despite how you might feel, full of possibilities.

It is OK to ask for help IRL - start with your GP, as it doesn't sound like those antidepressants are working. It sounds like you might feel better if you had somewhere to talk/vent - you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling. Samaritans are on 116 123 if you need to talk to someone sooner.

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 18:19:56

I just feel like I need to accept what I have, medication just masks it all. I wonder if there's any point in talking it's just either going over old ground or trying to convince me that things will get better. No improvement in four years so far.

mummyoftwo83 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:22:37

Things in life have a funny way of turning around when you least expect it. Don't give up hope, you have a beautiful child who will always need you. Life isn't always easy but we all get there in the end. Only recently I decided I needed a new outlook on life and started using my children as a way of meeting new people and gaining new friendships. It's amazing who's on your doorstep and willing to help xxx

Anniegetyourgun Sat 30-Jan-16 18:32:17

I'm sure you've only given us a small snapshot of your various problems and challenges, and oh, it does suck. No wonder it all gets too much from time to time. Forgive yourself for breaking down. It's human. Right now life is a hard slog; all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to tell yourself it will get better even though you can't believe it. Maybe it won't, but from experience I can say it almost certainly will. One thing is certain, it will change, because everything does.

You do have a family though. You have yourself and DD. Not only is she all you have, you are all she has too at the moment, and this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Whatever else may not seem to change, she will grow, learn, become more self-reliant, and give you incentive - and excuses! - to do fun stuff you wouldn't bother with on your own account. Then you will come to the end of your course and there will be better job opportunities and better pay (well, never exactly decent but more than student pay). Some things do stand a realistic chance of improvement.

Have you changed the anti-depressants recently? They may not be the best kind, or the right dose, if they're not helping. They could even be making you feel a bit worse. Worth checking with the GP?

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 18:44:45

I just feel like every day is a struggle, I struggle to talk and be happy.
I've got the doctors Monday as I'm trying to come off a sleeper that's a weigh gainer.
I just never feel happy?

I'm just this one woman show, that I'm pretty irrelevant and useless. I go to bed night after night on my own. The phone never rings. DD has just fallen asleep so now it's just me and the bleak evening ahead.

I try to be kind to myself but I just fuck up all the time. Honestly, it must be me. I try everything to become a better person and now I feel empty.

I've seen GPs, mental health teams, Counsillors, even physiatrists,
It's anxiety and depression, with a break up like a bereavement but if they tell me one more time it's a cycle and it will pass I might scream.

Four years. Four long years.

SongBird16 Sat 30-Jan-16 18:55:04

Well that does sound shit OP, no wonder you're feeling so low.

Of course you know that you will have to make some changes if you don't want to be saying the same thing in a year.

I know if it was me I would start by trying to lose weight, boost my confidence enough to think about dating again, but your priorities might be different.

When do you finish your training? I think you might feel financially stronger once you're fully qualified and your dd starts school.

Previous posters are right, nothing stays the same. Small steps.

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 18:57:06

Dd is another year off school due to her birthday.
I don't have any will power with weight because I eat as I'm sad, I wish I did have willpower.
I tried to do couch 2 5k and didn't get past day one.
I'm constantly exhausted and I don't know what to do, I really don't

Thank you for all helping

Morasssassafras Sat 30-Jan-16 18:59:10

I know it's hard but I'm absolutely sure that no matter how it feels today that you are doing a great job under horrible circumstances. I was going to suggest talking therapies but it sounds like you've done loads already. Are you still under the mental health team or have you been signed off? See your gp Monday and just tell him/her exactly how you are feeling and see what they suggest but don't leave the surgery without having some sort of plan in place as it sounds like you're in a bad place right now.

Are you able to reach out to someone in person? I know that can be really hard but is there anyone at all that you can ring just for a chat even if you don't feel you can explain to them how you are feeling. If not then please think about ringing the samaritans because some days I know that just having someone speak kindly to me can make a huge difference to my feelings.

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 19:06:27

I think I'll crumble if I talk tbh, I can't explain how I feel because my life isn't so bad. All people can say is it will get better.

I will defo speak to the GP
I think part of my problem is when people talk kindly to me I feel like they pity me plus I can't even explain what is wrong because it's nothing really it's just all in my head.

Morasssassafras Sat 30-Jan-16 19:16:20

Externally you could have all the things you've ever dreamed of and it won't stop the depression taking hold. It doesn't matter that your life isn't so bad, it matters that you are unhappy /sad /depressed /anxious. Unfortunately there are no easy answers to that.

I sometimes find writing my thoughts helps. Watching something you know will make you laugh. Putting music on and dancing round the room. Some sort of meditation or self help YouTube video, or teach yourself belly dancing was a good one (my bits were jiggling everywhere, I'm sure I looked a complete sight).

None of which will necessarily help on an ongoing basis but it might help get you through tonight and that's what's important right now.

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 19:26:46

Thank you, I need something because I'm in bed already

Morasssassafras Sat 30-Jan-16 19:33:40

I don't blame you at all. I would love to be but I'm making a conscious effort to spend more time out of bed. I'll work on the rest later.

Have a bit of YouTube time. Music, comedy, whatever takes your fancy.

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 19:35:55

Thank you for your kindness

lolo14 Sat 30-Jan-16 19:43:15

Hey, I know exactly where you're at. I'm a single mum to a 2 and a half year old girl. I did the pregnancy alone and everything since. I work 33 hours a week and have moved area to start afresh. It's been tough. I feel washed up, like I've aged ten years and I do get lonely. I'm in bed by 7pm each night, I am tired lots as I'm sure you can all appreciate. My moods fluctuate but I feel hemmed in, can't do anything for me. I've made some friends but they've got their own families and I guess I'm too proud to ask for help! Im sure things will improve for both of us. Chin up xx

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 19:48:07

I feel exactly the same

I ache, and I feel so so old

middleeasternpromise Sat 30-Jan-16 19:49:44

I am 8 years into 'that life' the one where everything is up to me. I have no family really who can help but some good friends - it has been tough going. All I can say is it does not get instantly better it gets incrementally better. As children get older the responsibility changes, raising children is expensive and yes its very hard to give yourself some attention as well. Cut yourself some slack and acknowledge you are doing a good job. The whole 'be grateful for what I have' can be hard when you would like things to be different. It will come but you're entitled to wallow a little about how hard it is right now.

Valentine2 Sat 30-Jan-16 19:50:55

You daughter is the one person you should be strong for right now. She is the one who can truly and will truly appreciate all that you are doing right now. Has she not grown into a great giggling child than you first saw her? Whose hard work is that? It's all yours. You are not a failure. You are doing far far more than a lot of people I know . Here is a hug for you.

lolo14 Sat 30-Jan-16 19:51:19

I think it's a mixture of exhaustion, stress and sheer frustration that makes us feel like that. Don't ever underestimate what we are doing. We are coping emotionally , financially etc on our own. It's pretty big! Be kind to yourself but do reach out and take support. I should follow my own advice grin

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 19:55:34

Thank you.

My daughter is really great, really fun and makes her own bed and loads the washing machine and tumble dryer etc. It just broke me that she saw me crying earlier. I'm meant to be the strong one, mummy bear.
Yet I feel like that mummy bear in the centre parks advert yet we don't go to centre parks

niceupthedance Sat 30-Jan-16 20:04:13

Just wanted to offer my support, it's hard out here (also student single parent of a 5yo since birth). I am fucking exhausted.
Some things that keep me from the pit of doom:
Vitamin d and b12 sprays
TED talks when I'm in bed at 8pm
Paul McKennas instant confidence hypnosis cd (good for anxiety)

Really you just have to keep on swimming. You're doing a great job.

WaterAngel Sat 30-Jan-16 20:14:20

Could I hazard a guess that anyone worth their salt that knew your situation would not feel pity, but rather huge empathy.
Motherhood is no joke under any circumstances - you are raising a cheery helpful happy child, and all credit is to you, and you alone.

Good luck at the GP.

Spring is around the corner, longer evenings, more light, hopefully more energy.

You have great strength, hang in there

NorfolkEnchantsToday Sat 30-Jan-16 20:17:14

Thank you.
I just guess I'm a huge judge of myself too

Do vitamins help?

I don't think it helps I don't really eat properly and live on caffeine, sugar and energy drinks and struggle to give them up because they make me happy.

I've realised I've lived on liquid now for two days. I'm really not hungry

Oasis888 Sat 30-Jan-16 23:32:37

Hang in there. I've been there too and at absolutely rock bottom. Things can get better. I've phoned the samaritans who are truly fantastic. I also listen to Tony Robbins and it's true that many of the most successful people have got through some of the hardest situations. You're not alone.

amarmai Sat 30-Jan-16 23:53:19

Oprah taught me to count my blessings when i was you ,op.
Life is hard , but you've got the basics food, clothing , shelter, daycare covered
Being a single parent is hard and you are putting your dd first but also need some treats for yourself-any little thing counts.
the nursing course is infamous for too much work and too high standards forcing mainly females to jump thru hoops and prove themselves worthy-but you are jumping thru them on top of being a single mum
Get cuddles from your dd and give yourself the love=don't fall into the mantrap when your self esteem is low
You'll be job hunting around now or soon and nurses are leaving in droves from understaffed hospitals=start the hunt for a job that will leave you time and energy for your dd and yourself.
Nothing stays the same in life-just when you are not looking for it something great will come your way=you deserve it!

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