Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Tell me I'm not over reacting(33 Posts)
Dh husband goes out last night on a works related thing with an old colleague who I know well and i pretty much expect him to get absolutely wasted. Last year on the same do he got so drunk he threw up in the cab home and on the floor in our bedroom.
I encourage him to go with a smile because I don't want to be that nagging wife, i even took the kids out in their pjs to drop him off to the next town where it was.
Dh isn't constantly out but once of twice a month, he's normally home by about 1/2 the latest and I'm fine with this as he's home, he's safe.
So last night it comes to around 2:30 and as usual when he goes out I cant really sleep as I'm worrying. I call his phone which is off, not surprising his phone dies a lot due to his work. Come half 4 I'm fuming.
I woke up around 6 to a message that he's crashed at colleagues house and I do not dispute this, I know colleague I trust dh mostly. I know they would have gone to a strip club, again that's fine, he's always told me and I'm not really bothered. If you knew my dh you'd understand why, he's a bit of a mouse when it comes to women.
BUT how can I handle this without blowing it totally out of proportion. I'm too friggin tired to argue but I can't just let him think I'm happy with this.
We do generally have a good marriage but we run a business together (of which I'm only an employee which is another sore subject, we run it equally but he's on the road and I'm in the office)
He does work very long hours in certain periods of the year and during the time he turns into the most inconsiderate, selfish arse.
He will always make time for his hobbies while me and our young dc plod along having not much time to myself or as a family.
I've had to skip college today because I don't want him doing the school run and driving whilst still over the limit.
I want him to go away for a couple of nights to give me some space and show him I mean business, I can't be arsed listening to excuses or false promises or making more of an effort.
Am I totally overreacting??
Not so much of a mouse with women that he hasn't got one exactly where he wants her
Telling him to go away for a few days only shows him you mean business if you then act. Otherwise it can look like a hissy fit.
Far better I think if you go away for a few days. Not least because you've more to think about what you want and how to deal with this if you're not running around after kids.
On the specifics of your post though, overall it's a shaming picture and you're in the rocks if you don't communicate it and he doesn't respond. But individually:
- it's fine for him to go on this once a year work thing, especially if it's related to your business
- don't pretend to be all smiles and not a 'nagging wife' if you're not happy - tell him
- fucksake don't drag kids out in their PJs if you don't even want him going, only to complain after
- the drunken vomiting is pathetic but each to their own - once a year, meh - if he cleans it up
- what weird mother/son dynamic do you have going on that you can't just go to sleep and end up waiting up?
- if he gets to do his hobbies and you don't then TELL HIM it's not acceptable
- why couldn't he take the kids to school in a taxi? Don't be a martyr on that - stupid to miss college. He gets drunk, let him deal with the consequences
- strip clubs? stop pretending to be cool wife about it, when you're not really - are you? And not should you be. You don't mind because he's a mouse?!! How about, he doesn't go because he respects you, mouse or not?
- being an employee of the business... what do you want? What do you contribute?
- not being part of family life. Well - you're the one that's rewarding his shit behaviour by taking the kids t school yourself, and giving him a few days away to get drunk and go to strip clubs. Make him partake in family life whilst you go away for a few days to think.
Do you even love him? Doesn't sound like he's very lovable.
Out at strip clubs? Off the grid till 430am?
I'd tell him to go and fuck himself.
If my DH did this (which he wouldn't), he would know it was over.
Totally unacceptable, on anyone's planet.
PS) Don't believe the "I stayed on someones couch" story whatsoever. Not a chance.
As for worries about blowing it out of proportion...
This is big, marriage breaking stuff.
So tbh it can't be blown out of proportion, can it?
If you're too tired and worried to raise it, I would write out a list of things you're not happy with. Tell him that the list means your marriage is in crisis. Tell him you want to discuss it with a counsellor to help you both. If he won't go, you have your answer on whether he's worth trying to fix it with.
Cahbrina that's hit a nerve, your spot on. He has got me right where he wants me.
You wouldn't believe before I met him I was confident, loud and outgoing.
Friends think I wear the trousers but far from it.
Business related, he is on the tools, I am doing everything else admin. I just worry that if things go tits up, I'll be sacked and have nothing while he builds up this great business that's thriving and what do I have? A couple of hundred a month maintenance.
I can't just go and leave him with be kids, he has work booked in and we have no support round us.
I honestly don't know how i feel about him anymore. I want more than this but talking to him about it just goes in one ear and out the other.
It is very likely that your job won't survive a marriage break up, that's true.
So you should plan for that eventuality. And great if he's willing to turn the marriage round, but you're covered if not.
It does sound like he is the one bringing the specialist skills to the business? If he's tools and you're admin? Depends what the extent of the admin is I suppose, and how much you have done to build the business. And what it's worth. My friend is a plumber and his wife answers calls, books jobs and does the books. It's all valuable necessary work, but they don't really have a business with a value to it that can be split - the business is him, and if she left he'd do it himself or employ someone. If he left, she could sell her skills to another business, but she couldn't recruit a plumber to work for her, the way he could recruit an admin assistant.
But if your business has a value, make it a condition of your marriage that you become a director / have shares (I don't know how that works so what I mean is: find out and do what actually needs to be done)
But honestly, I'd plan ahead to not have that job. That means using the job to progress now. For example, if you do the books, use the business to pay for you to get qualifications so you can transfer your skills more easily.
Don't make excuses about work booked in and no local support.
You already said he has time for hobbies. If he has time for hobbies, he doesn't work 24/7.
Are you telling me he doesn't have a day off coming up?
On that day, you can go away the night before, be away all day and another night, and come back only when the next job is booked. And you're in the office - so you may even be able to reschedule that job.
Come on - you are still a confident woman! You just got too bogged down and tired to remember it! Roar a bit!!!!
If it really has gone in one ear and out the other before, I'd give a genuine ultimatum - counselling, or divorce. There's just no point if he won't work to fix it too.
Giving him a couple of days of lazy bachelor time won't make as such of a shock to his system and you coming back with details from a solicitor about divorce.
Hmm. I'd be really upset if I didn't know where my DH was all night.
But it sounds like there are deeper issues...the being out all night wouldn't be a thing that would make me ask my partner to leave even temporarily.
Have you told him calmly how you feel? Whatever lifestyle you have, it has to work for both of you. My husband goes out two nights a week and I go out one...just to our friend's houses, but we've discussed it and we're both happy with it.
He's no mouse. You are the mouse if you hesitate to bring up the subject of what would actually be a deal breaker in many marriages.
Get him off that pedestal. The man is a selfish, arsey, gaslighting patron of the sex industry.
Sorry to say it, but I can't see him sitting mousily at the back of that strip club, staring at his phone, unable to look up because he's a mouse/shy/nervous/embarrassed
In fact... Look, I'm not suggesting he's cheating too, I'm not trying to twist the knife. Plenty of men go to strip clubs and idly watch the show in the background and don't buy lap dances or do anything else.
But my XH? Shy with women. Not so much with prostitutes, it turned out. cf "X" I'd actually say mouse with women + sex industry is a bad combination. Too shy with women to approach them? No problem - guaranteed success for £50.
And he really doesn't sound like a mouse anyway.
And now are you!!!
ROAR love! Get some uplifting music on! Stomp around to Pink and "I Wanna Start a Fight"! I'm serious. You're only putting up with this shit because have young kids is knackering.
Get out there and blow this thing up to it's REAL proportion.
Which is crisis but fixable if you both want that.
He sounds vile.
A mousey man who visits strip clubs? Yeah right.
I do have shares apparently but when I asked him if he had any paperwork to support this he said he would ask the accountant
I am using the business to study and in 2 more years I'll be fully qualified and hopefully able to earn a decent wage of my own. It's taking a long time as I have a 2yo who does let get the funding till September.
I totally agree with all comments. There are bigger issues than a night out and everytime i bring them up I get a half hearted apology and nothing changes, I think that's why I want him to leave. I won't tolerate it anymore, I am letting him do it.
With regards to the strip club, no I'm not keen but I have a friend who used to work there and so I guess I have a warped view on them but I don't like it no. I wanted to be the cool wife which is ridiculous I know.
In the beginning of our relationship I caused problems, I was a bit of a wild child and he blamed me for everything. It's only since I've settled into motherhood and calmed down that I realise it wasn't just me, I was a typically 20 year old having fun.
I desperately want our marriage to work but I know it's for the wrong reasons.
I'd start getting myself sorted
make some sort of plan ...preferably between you and he will see he's being an arse, and needs to pick up the family man and ditch the batchelor life
But if not make a date for yourself....say in two years time you WILL have your qualifications, admin the arse out of your business and find out the true worth, get yourself all the facts, so that come your end date you can go and not look back and not get screwed over
You are YOU with children and married to him, YOU are not his wife, his housekeeper and his admin assistant
Make plans, be prepared!
Well, you're back office and he's tools.
So - YOU ask the accountant.
Can you afford for your 2yo to start nursery earlier and pay? And you start studying sooner?
Plan plan plan - but also try to reduce the time, because it really doesn't sound like this has run it's course for you.
You might be able to see the shareholders of the company on Companies House, without asking the accountant...
I'm pretty light on small business knowledge but I'm sure you could post on Legal or even Chat to ask... If you're a director or shareholder, will that be shown in the registered details of your company which I think you can just google?
May not help with what they're worth, but might help you to know if he's bullshitting you.
I do have shares apparently but when I asked him if he had any paperwork to support this he said he would ask the accountant
You do the admin but you don't get to speak to the accountant? How does that work?
If your h has set up a limited company find the information you need here:
So I went and woke him up rather abruptly but I handled it calmly.
I explained the numerous reasons why I am unhappy and he's now sulking.
The same old excuses and half hearted apologies not that I didn't expect them.
I'm going to have a look at some of the suggested info on here and find out where I stand before I do anything else.
I just feel so sad about it all
If we do break up, no doubt everyone will blame me. Even my side of the family think he can do no wrong. What a shit shit situation to be
If you're questioning that you're over-reacting, I would suggest that you may be.
If you own shares and its a company you are entitled to a copy of the full accounts although I appreciate asking for them currently might open a can of worms you don't want to open until you have made some decisions.
However, you can check for free on companies house website if you are a shareholder and see the latest abbreviated accounts (not that they show much the full ones are best). Go take a look....
Join the discussion
Please login first.