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Selfish lover... Help?!?

(50 Posts)
GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 15:59:10

Hey everyone! I'm a newbie here as far as posting goes however I have used the forum to read up on heaps since my pregnancy!

So, I have a daughter who is 2.5years old. Me and her dad split when she was 6 months old after 9 years together. I am 25. I stayed single and dated a bit until I met my boyfriend 7 months ago.
He was previously married but no kids. He is such a GOOD guy. So caring and genuinely loves us both to death. He accepts my daughter and would do anything I ask.... However... The sex just doesn't do it for me.
I love sex! I love everything about good sex. And we have spoken about what we both like, i do everything he likes and more to keep him satisfied. He however, listens to what I like and desire but does none. I told him (sorry for tmi) how I like a little hair tug or just take me in the spur of the moment type of sex. He doesn't do the hair thing cause he doesn't like it. But I do? He always plans sex in bed at night with the lights off and the routine is usually him lying there waiting for me to kiss him then me to give him a blow job where he will either finish or I'll stop and ask him to fuck... Zero foreplay for me he just climbs on and cums within minutes. Rolls over and sleeps. I'm so bored!!!! I don't feel sexy I don't feel wanted and I'm starting to look elsewhere which I don't want to do but.. I can't live with this forever! How do I go about talking to him about it without hurting him or making him feel useless? Sorry for the long post!
Thank you in advance xo

ConcernedParent88 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:05:00

Tell him if he doesn't reciprocate he can vacate!

flatbellyfella Thu 28-Jan-16 16:09:50

From what you describe, he does sound useless in his bedroom actions.

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:09:57

How can I tell him without hurting him? He has a foot fetish which doesn't bother me, but I have went to all the effort to read about it and always keep my toes nice for him and my feet I try new things because HE likes it yet I get nothing... I just feel so unsatisfied. I don't think he's aware he's a selfish lover... X

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:11:10

Thanks for your replies... He is kinda useless in bed. which sucks cause he's perfect every other way! X

arsenaltilidie Thu 28-Jan-16 16:15:12

Has he ever told you why he doesn't like the hair pulling?
If you initiate most of the sex, why not initiate elsewhere other than the bedroom.
He sounds like he has low self esteem when it comes to sex.

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:21:30

He just says "he's not into it" he doesn't do anything. But is way happy for me to fulfill all of his fantasies. He gets on at me if I haven't had time to freshen my toe nails (I have a toddler!!) I have tried on the sofa in the kitchen etc and there have been times he's went with it, in the beginning, he just seems to be acting like we've been married for 10 years. Soooo bored. I've suggested trying new things and tried to put myself out there but it ends the same every time sad

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 28-Jan-16 16:26:36

To be honest I think you have to respect the fact that he may not want to pull your hair. He may associate it with hurting you etc

However just rolling over is rubbish

TheNaze73 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:29:09

Seems like one way traffic to me. If you talked about it & it's a big deal then maybe bin him off. It's the female equivalent of keeping his stomach full & his balls empty. When that happens no bloke will stray & he should know that. Being unfulfilled at your age ain't right

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:33:20

I could live without him _gently tugging my hair haha it's more just I get nothing! He doesn't touch me before sex. He just lays there and I have to do all the work. To be fair though I'm not necessarily into feet but it's something he's into so I please him. Would hate the idea of him being unsatisfied. I just don't feel like he feels the same....
How can I approach it without sounding like a horrible person or hurting him? X

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Thu 28-Jan-16 16:39:56

Look this guy is selfish. Hes all good because you are giving him what he wants. Nothing will change. Hes got his ways and you have yours and there is no meeting of the minds and bodies when it comes to you.
Either stop giving him what he wants until he gives back to you or dump now and look for someone who is more than happy who sexually desires you.
Stop cleaning your feet for a start and see if he steps up.

Jan45 Thu 28-Jan-16 16:49:52

Shouldn't be this much hard work and his performance in the bedroom is dismal - you've told him, he refuses to engage with it - why bother carrying on, he's clearly no intention to even try and meet you half way - don't go looking elsewhere, just end it and find yourself an equal.

rockabillyruby82 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:06:43

Is it a possibility he's inexperienced and maybe doesn't know how to please a woman?
If so no more words, take action! When in bed put his hands where you want them, give him guidance, tell him how good it feels. During sex ask him to do things. Sex can be improved.

CaurnieBred Thu 28-Jan-16 17:12:40

Play this to him on repeat Lilley Allen

Cabrinha Thu 28-Jan-16 17:13:06

Inexperienced my arse.
Just selfish.
Inexperienced men (or rather, men who may be inhibited by limited experience) don't quite happily share their foot fetish and berate their gf for not having her feet ready.

Fuck not hurting him. He doesn't care about your feelings, and you've told him how you feel already.

Fair enough if he really hates something you like (hair pulling) then that may be off.

But the big issue is "extra" stuff aside, he just lies there leaving it all to you.

Tell him straight, it's selfish. If he doesn't buck up I'm sure his selfishness will soon out in other ways too.

arsenaltilidie Thu 28-Jan-16 17:18:05

If he's selfish and unwilling to try new things then it will only get worse.

magoria Thu 28-Jan-16 17:22:07

7 months and he is too lazy/can't be bothered to pleasure you.

Imagine this in 7 years.

Tell him he needs to buck up his ideas now or get rid and move on before you waste more time.

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:22:08

This made me giggle thank you!!! 😂😂

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:25:16

That's my fears... It's only been 7 months. And my thoughts are he can't be all that inexperienced as he was married and with her for 7 years and told me about his foot fetish and what he wants from me.
He always wants me on top cause he gets tired. Really makes me feel like he's not wanting ME but just the pleasure. Yawn.... I couldn't do it for 7 years. I feel terrible but I have nobody I can tell because I don't want anyone Who knows us to know. I feel bad for him! We have even watched porn together but the passion just isn't there! Maybe I would most defo feel differently if he actually done something to turn me on. Like make me feel like you want me! What woman doesn't want that?

Jan45 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:27:27

Sorry but a good man would want to please his lady, that's half the pleasure, I'm getting alarm bells here.

At 7 months he should be chasing you around the furniture lol.

BadDoGooder Thu 28-Jan-16 17:30:06

As pp said, I don't think it's inexperience otherwise he wouldn't have spoken about the foot fetish!
With fetish stuff, I have found people who are up front about it have spent lots of time thinking and researching!

Sounds like pure selfishness to me. I love sex too and there is no way I'd put up with this!
I'd start with hand guiding, instead of just letting him get on with it, try a sexy whisper like "why don't you just put your hands here first, I'd really like that" then put his hands where you want them and show him what to do.
If he still insists on not giving you any foreplay, give him an ultimatum, either he satisfies your needs as well, or no more indulging of his fantasies.

Iwonderif Thu 28-Jan-16 17:30:27

He's definitely selfish. He's not even trying to satisfy you. He can't be arsed. And you're far too young to be having a naff sex life. No wonder you're feeling very unsexy. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and if he's not satisfying you and you've gently tried to tell him this then I'm afraid in another 7 months you'll find yourself feeling even worse.

I've been married for 10 years OP and together for 14, at times we can go too long without having sex due to young children & life in general but he still knows exactly how to get me going and literally gives me goosebumps just by looking at me sometimes. So even after this length of time it's still going strong.

It's only been 7 months for you. Can't see it improving unless he is totally dedicated to pleasing you.

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:30:34

I know Jan45, that's what I think 😔 So stuck here because he's a good guy he genuinely cares. Maybe this is what he was like
With his ex wife and it's just kinda the way he thinks it should be..?

GirlNextDoor89 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:34:25

Iwonderif I'm so jealous! I want to be wing someone who I 10 years will give me goosebumps by just giving a "look".... I'll try the hand guiding thing and see if that works. He's probably just annoying me a lot. And I can vent here too! Last night he just told me to give him a blowjob. I said, "you won't get anything just demanding it" and we laughed but sure enough he got his blowjob and just went to sleep. What about me? Nada. I should do what he does to me/
I should get him going then make sure I finish and roll over n leave him to feel Unsatisfied. I wish I could be so selfish!

Jan45 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:35:57

Keep him as a mate then and go find yourself a man that thinks your pleasure is as important as his.

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