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boyfriend cheating but need help

(19 Posts)
Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:14:05

So Iv been with partner for just over 2 years we have a 5momtj old together and I have another child from previous relationship. We got together pretty quick after a split with my other child's dad we got on great we kept it from a lot of people for about 5months until we knew it was serious enough to tell my other child but while keeping it a secret I cheated and I knew he was talking to other so not serious enough to tell my other child introduce them I know but that's done now so the first year from Jan-August I knew he was trxting others (not meeting) just talking about meeting sending pics ect but I had slept with someone so I could never say anything about what he did we went on holiday and things were great then I found out I was pregnant over Xmas and then a few weeks after he found out that I had cheated the previous year. Then from me finding out I was pregnant Jan-aug(when our daughter was born) he went out every single weekend I would always have people telling me he was cheating even sending me messages as proof but I didn't want to be on my own with 2 kids so I let it be. Thought when she was born things will change when she was born he didn't go out as much but still knew he was cheating then we moved house I thought this would help things he said because I cheated he didn't want to be close to me ect still did it now Iv just found out he's been texting a girl Iv spoke to her (I know of her) and she told me all messages all innocent apart from saying we had split up and he had text her first I hate him so much for this but I don't want to be on my own with 2 kids I go back to work next month also and need his help with childcare 1 night a week during the week when I was pregnant things got bad with us arguing and we would physically fight now I don't even argue back if we do argue just so we don't go back to fighting again I just take it all when we argue and he constantly brings up my cheating. Please help me

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:18:23

If you want help to stay and fix this that is not possible.

People can help if you want help to leave, I suggest you contact women's aid in that case.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:20:52

I have my own house If I don't this I can get out but is it worth fighting for , for the sake of our child and my other child

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:24:29

No.

There has been physical fighting, cheating etc.

This is not a stable environment in which to raise children.

pocketsaviour Thu 28-Jan-16 13:24:49

Jeez, what a mess.

OK, seems like the problem keeping you from tossing him out on his ear (which is probably kinder than what he deserves) is that you are stuck for childcare for one of your work nights.

Have you done a flexible hours request with your employer? Right now I would suggest doing that, or speaking with them about the situation and asking to reduce or change your hours temporarily until you can find alternative childcare arrangements.

Is your older DC's dad in the picture at all? Do you have family support nearby?

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:26:28

Whether you are in a relationship with him or not he is still a father to the younger DC. I wouldn't try to make a step relationship between him and the older one when your relationship is so dysfunctional.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:27:38

I have just signed flexible working contract but I have to do 1 night a week in that so that's a no go. Other child goes his dad sat 10-4 that's all doesn't help out in any way. Also it's the money side of it.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:28:19

I have a little family support and my family are helping with older child but couldn't cope with a baby

NerrSnerr Thu 28-Jan-16 13:29:07

Wanting to stay with someone just so he can do childcare is wrong. Cheating and fights, do you want your children to think that's normal?

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:31:38

I didn't make that clear I'm not staying with him for the childcare at all if anything it's prob worse and its finical stability and I do love him but we constantly argue and I find he's cheating again

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:37:03

Try ACAS

Or maternity action

For advice about returning to work and your rights.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:41:49

I wasn't contracted at work so never got mat pay from them so Iam lucky they are offering me a flexible contract really thank you though

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:45:09

No, as a woman returning to work after maternity leave and with two DC under 16 you have legal rights. I'm not sure they can demand you do a night shift, you need to get proper advice on that.

CityMole Thu 28-Jan-16 13:48:09

This doesn't sound stable or enjoyable as an environment for bringing up children, or for you!

Fighting, cheating, texting, going out- set your children a better example than this. Staying together "for the children" in a toxic situation like this is a complete fallacy.

I would speak again to your employer about your hours- explain that your home situation needs to change and you may need to rethink your working patterns, and you would like their support.
As another poster said, let him be a dad to your younger child, and keep your older one out of it, to develop a relationship with their own father.

You can do much, much better than this.

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:48:09

You really need proper advice about your employment rights.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:48:27

I can go back and do the hours I want but it will be as and when if I want a contact I have to do 1 night a week if I don't the I can't be sure on the days I would work and I can only work certain days due to childcare

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:50:20

You need proper advice.

What they are proposing may be discriminatory.

You need to establish your rights ASAP, employment law is complicated, you need to give details to one of the organisations I mentioned before and they will be able to advise you.

Charlotte2604 Thu 28-Jan-16 13:53:03

Should I defiantly keep my older one out of it and not let him see younger ones dad? After me and older ones dad split he struggled so much and is only just getting back to what I call normal

Offred Thu 28-Jan-16 13:54:39

Yes.

Your current P is not related to your other child in any way.

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