Alcoholic dp, please talk to me.

[wss2013]

My dp is an alcoholic. He's been doing really well for the last year or so and seemed to have his drinking under control. For the last couple of weeks he's been slipping back into old habits, hiding drink, drinking in secret etc. For the last two days he's been promising to stop, go back to counselling, AA etc. He went to an AA meeting this evening and hasn't come home. I know he's gone drinking. We have a very young dd together and I'm 6 months pregnant. I don't know what to do. I cant cope with this. I'm so afraid of what state he'll come home in. I know I need to make him leave but I'm not strong enough. I'll have to give up my job tomorrow because he stays at home to look after our dd (she has sn, suspected autism) and I can't trust him to do this now.

What am I going to do, it's such a mess. I'm so scared of whats going to happen next. I don't have anyone in real life to talk to, I'm ashamed to tell anyone. Please help me.

[ImperialBlether]

It must be incredibly stressful for you. Did you suspect he would fall back into his old habits?

Do you have anyone who can be there tomorrow instead?

[ImperialBlether]

Please don't feel ashamed. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

[Gildo]

Please don't be ashamed. Your Dp is ill, as I'm sure you know. My mum is an alcoholic and I constantly have to remind myself she doesn't mean to hurt people and upset people, it is beyond her control. It is vvv hard, I know that.
What triggered your Dp to start drinking? Do you have absolutely no friends or family around you to talk to about any of it?

[tribpot]

You need to tell people. Addiction thrives on secrecy, it really does. Breaking through that barrier, although difficult, will help to set you free.

It sounds as if he continued drinking, only moderately, and it's recently spun out of control? I'm afraid if so this was pretty much bound to happen. (Even if he'd been sober there was a fairly good chance of him relapsing).

What is your home situation, do you rent jointly? Own? Time is of the essence for you to find somewhere to live before the baby comes, so this is probably priority one.

Did you spend any time with Al Anon? This is for the families and friends of problem drinkers. It would be worth you contacting them so they can help you absorb the three Cs:

• you did not cause this
  
• you cannot control it
  
• you cannot cure it.
  

You need to put yourself and your children first. Maybe he will come out of this relapse and finally get sober. Maybe not. But you can't make it happen. All you can is plan a future that doesn't rely on him. So sorry, OP.

[wss2013]

Thanks so much for your replies. I feel less alone now which helps. He possibly has been drinking moderately all along. Nothing triggered this in particular, he has used several excuses but that's all they are. Excuses. I own the house, its mine and my ex husbands. I could kick him out but I'd feel so guilty.

And I don't know what I would do about having the new baby. My dd has quite high needs which include severe anxiety, part of which means she cant be left with other people without getting incredibly distressed. I have no idea what I will do with her in a few weeks when I have to go into hospital. I am so totally stressed this week. I hate this. My mother was/in an alcoholic, my ex h was an abusive alcoholic and now this. I feel like I can't cope any more.

My family know dp has a drink problem but I haven't told them about this relapse. I know I will have to eventually, I do need their support. I haven't been to Al Anon but I will give it a try. I'm trying to plan my future without him in it but it's such a scary prospect, I don't know how I will manage my dd and a new baby, I also have two other dcs from my marriage who are almost teenagers. I cant do this by myself.

[Squeegle]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar. I echo the others, is there anyone you can tell? It's so hard when you feel it's your shame. I felt so liberated when I started sharing with people. It was like a big weight lifting. Maybe al anon if you can? You need support - first to detach mentally. And then to help you plan your future. Don't hand in your job just yet, but do go off sick if you have to for a day or two, till you get your head in a better place .

I understand that awful sick, stressed feeling when you know they've gone out drinking, please please try not to worry - you can't control this. Anything that occurs is his responsibility. Easier to say than to live, I know... But it really is true. Look after yourself and your DCs first and foremost.

[wss2013]

Thank you. I have spent the last week trying to hide this from my older kids. They have a great relationship with my dp who is effectively their step dad and I don't want that ruined for them. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and I feel so guilty that I am doing this to them.

[Squeegle]

I think if they're older then you need to be honest with them. No secrecy. It's not your relationship to guard- that is up to him. Your relationship with your kids is what you have to govern - and you have to be honest. Otherwise they're not going to understand why you're stressed. That won't help anyone.

[EasyToEatTiger]

Please look after yourself. My husband is not an alchololic but he behaves in appalling ways. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

[tribpot]

It doesn't really matter what triggered it to be honest. An experienced alcoholic can generally turn anything into a trigger to start drinking if he or she wants to.

Given the number of alcoholics in your life you may well be co-dependent, so this is something you can look at as well.

Would your ex-husband help you to get him out? It's worth asking for specific help on the Legal board, but my reading of the CAB website is that you can serve him reasonable notice to quit (two weeks is quoted elsewhere) unless he can demonstrate a beneficial interest in the property, which I guess he may be able to do if he has been paying the mortgage or bills?

[wss2013]

I'm just so annoyed with myself. I left my exh a few years back after wasting years in an abusive, unhappy relationship with him. And I'e gone from that to this. And added two more innocent dcs to my stupid bloody chaotic life. Whay do I make such bad choices? Why did I think I could fix him? How thick and naïve am I???

[Squeegle]

You're not thick or naive, but like trib said, it sounds like some patterns in your life were established early. I am pretty sure I was/ am co dependent - but at least I understand it now and can try to make better choices.

[cocochanel21]

Hope your ok. I know what it's like to live with addiction but in my case it was drugs and it wasn't my DP.
There was times I really felt I couldn't cope and wanted to run away. I found a local support group and it really helped to talk to people who were going through the same thing.
I used to hate the horrible sick feelings and the dread of what was going to happen next.
Please get support for yourself and don't feel ashamed you haven't caused this. Take Care.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

wss

You are not stupid or naïve but these patterns in your life were established very early starting with your alcoholic mother.

What tribpot wrote earlier in full. Start opening up to other trusted people because alcoholism does indeed thrive on secrecy. Your teenage children also need help and support from the likes of Alateen.

Re this sentence:-
"I could kick him out but I'd feel so guilty".

Where he goes after you kick him out should be of no concern to you and he needs to leave now. He also needs to leave because he is and will drag you and your children down with him if he stays.

I bet you he does not feel an ounce of guilt for the chaos he brings you. Your above comment also screams co-dependency which is also unhealthy and often seen within relationships where alcoholism is a feature. Your mother is an alcoholic and you grew up with this, this became your "norm". Its of no real surprise that you have gone on to choose alcoholics for partners themselves.

You can only help your own self and you can do that by talking to Al-anon, properly addressing your own co-dependency issues (you were also taught by your parents to be co-dependent and or super responsible) and wanting to rescue and or save people through counselling. You are actually typical of the profile of an adult child of an alcoholic (read up on that too).

Read Co-dependent no more written by Melodie Beattie.

You ultimately need to make a life for yourself and your children without him in it. You can do this, there is a huge incentive in the shape of four children here for you to do this.

[wss2013]

Well he arrived home by taxi around midnight, absolutely out of his head drunk. I got him to bed after about an hour of coaxing. I rang my boss today and explained the situation, she was great and told me to take as much time off as I need. She said she's been through something similar so was very understanding. I persuaded dp to come to the gp, they've given him some tablets they use for withdrawal which have sent him to sleep. I've told my parents whats going on too so I'm going to see them tomorrow for a proper chat. I don't know where to go from here. I guess we just need to get through the next few days and see what happens.

[wannabestressfree]

You need to ask him to leave for all your sakes but definately your children.

[Squeegle]

That's great that you spoke to your boss; well done.

Make sure you concentrate on you and let him concentrate on him.

Don't tell him what to do, but do tell him what your boundaries are ( ie I will not live with someone who goes out, doesn't tell me when they're going to be back, and comes back pissed). That makes it his choice.

Be firm. It's only fair on everyone. Don't accept crocodile tears and weasel words - it's only actions which count,

Only saying this cos I was too soft - wasted years. When my ex did give up drinking he said it was cos he could see I'd given up trying to fix him; he realised he was the only one who cared! By that time unfortunately it was true. I'd had too many broken promises. Good luck .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would now ask him to leave. It will do no good to have him in your home now.

Whose idea was it to the GP; was it his or yours?. I ask as it will do him and you no favours at all in the long run if you keep on enabling him, any actions to change have to come from him and him alone. Also many GPs are simply not up to speed when it comes to such complex issues and it is unlikely that this man actually wants to address his issues re alcoholism.

I also do not think that it is wise to talk to either of your parents about his alcoholism.

Your own recovery from this will only start when you and he are apart.

[tribpot]

You are doing way too much - really take a look at the stuff about co-dependency. I'm very surprised the GP prescribed the withdrawal meds to someone who wasn't showing very strong signs of wanting to get sober, they will make him very ill when he next drinks.

It really doesn't help him. There's no true recovery unless it comes from him.

[thedancingbear]

I'm not surprised to see various posters trotting out the 'kick him out' line. It's MN's answer to everything.

If you decide that this is the right thing for you, OP, then if you feel that you owe him nothing, then of course that's your call. But my experience of alcoholic friends is that it's very much a treatable illness - we all drank, occasionally to excess, but not all of us teetered over the edge like this, and who did and who didn't struck me as a matter of luck and genes.

[Squeegle]

Dancingbear, I do agree it's a matter of luck and genes. However, I also have to say that unless you have lived with an alcoholic while trying at the same time to look after young children, and pretending to the world that all is well, you may find it hard to understand the level of insanity that prevails.

It's very very hard, and quite frankly I wish someone had told me a long time before that it was ok not to have to put up with it. As a person without kids it's one thing to devote yourself to helping an alcoholic to recover. When you have small, vulnerable children to consider it is quite another. They don't have a choice. And often they're put in danger by a resin who has sworn not to drink while looking after them

And how do you get a babysitter to come and look after the kids plus insensible husband. Not easy.

It literally sends you mad. So please do consider the other people - not just the alcoholic.

[Squeegle]

Person not resin!

[wss2013]

Thanks again for replies. It was dps idea to go to the gp today, I genuinely believe he does want to stop but the compulsion appears to be so strong some days for him. I can't pretend to even start to understand. I know he hates being like this... he's an intelligent person and has done so much research into the issue but he really struggles to get it under control. I'm so afraid that nothing will ever work and he'll be like this forever. We have such a good relationship outside of this issue. I hate the idea of losing him. I'm struggling though because I know I need to put the childrens needs first. I'm terrified of being on my own having the baby and how I'll cope afterwards. Our little dd is such hard work and he's so good with her most of the time. I hate this illness, it's ironic... I don't even drink but I feel like alcohol has taken over and ruined my life.

[cocochanel21]

I really feel for you. Living with addiction is a total nightmare. I think you should really look into support for yourself just having someone who understands what your going through really helped me.

If he genuinely wants to stop that good but he has to do it for himself. In my experience I found it was just empty word's.

Sadly addiction affects everybody not just the person with the addiction. I was also pregnant so really feel for you. Take Care.

[wannabestressfree]

It's not 'trotting out' a line nor 'owing him nothing' its children having witnessed two 'fathers' with drinking problems and seeing that behaviour as normal or ok. Its not fair on the op to have to be dealing with this selfish crap now at a time she needs a strong, positive supportive partner.
That's why I said ask him to leave. So he can focus on his demons whilst she looks after her children and herself.