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How do I know if my marriage is normal or if I am experiencing emotional abuse?

(17 Posts)
spad Wed 27-Jan-16 20:36:40

Just that.

I am not yet ready to make any final decisions. I so want for us to work things out.

But maybe what we fight about and how we fight is normal?

How do you argue in your relationship? How involved are you in decision making and how valued do you feel?

Haggisfish Wed 27-Jan-16 20:39:45

We do fight, but we fight 'well'. So we may shout and use unpleasant language, but we never bring up things from past, we never say things designed to hurt the other and we know when we need to walk away. We will mull it over and are equally likely to say sorry. We also recognise that sometimes it's more about getting rid of frustration. Any big decisions we make together. I feel hugely valued and so does dh.

Haggisfish Wed 27-Jan-16 20:41:06

Actually, where I've said fight, I actually mean argue. We are never physically aggressive towards each other.

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 20:42:57

Interesting question to ask if you don't have a fair idea it is indeed abusive

If it is, you won't work things out, sorry to say

spad Wed 27-Jan-16 20:42:58

How often do you fight and do you fight in front of other people?

spad Wed 27-Jan-16 20:43:31

What do you mean if I don't have a fair idea?

Atenco Wed 27-Jan-16 20:44:51

Every couple has quarrels from time to time.
However if you are with someone who loves you, you will feel stronger and more capable for being with that person, whereas when there is emotional abuse, they were aware your self-confidence and draw attention to your perceived short-comings.

Usually emotionally abusive people try to separate you from friends and family. There are different techniques for doing this, but the result is the same.

Lanark2 Wed 27-Jan-16 20:45:34

Simple, if you generally feel OK, but occasionally disgruntled, its normal. If you post anything about it on here, it is probably EA or FA or both.

Marchate Wed 27-Jan-16 20:47:10

Sorry, what I mean is you must have a reason to ask

I assume a person in a definitely non abusive relationship wouldn't ask this question

spad Wed 27-Jan-16 20:49:38

What's FA?

We fight all of the time. About everything. We have no joint plans.

Everything falls apart when I am vulnerable and can't be strong about whatever thing it is.

Our oldest son who is three looks like a rabbit caught in headlights when we are speaking to each other.

My dh was from an emotionally abusive family. He won't admit it and I tried to get him to talk about it and now he says I am emotionally abusive to him.

He says I demand things all of the time.

I don't demand things. I say ideas and wonder how we could make them happen.

He says he provides everything for me and I am ungrateful. I am a stay at home Mum with three children aged three and under. I don't stop all day long.

We don't discuss stuff together.

Maybe it is just this time in our lives because we are busy with children?

MrsH1989 Wed 27-Jan-16 20:59:48

What you have described does not ring alarm bells but that is just from that you have written. It sounds to me like he is stressed at having to provide for his family.

caroldecker Wed 27-Jan-16 21:09:37

It sounds like a communication issue - you ideally muse about how you could have a holiday in the Seychelles, he hears you complaining that he does not earn enough to keep you happy.
Particularly with 3 children, time to communicate properly is difficult, but you need to try and discuss this with him.
Make sure you do not blame him - ie say that you sometimes find it difficult to explain your ideas, rather than say he misunderstands you.

Believeitornot Wed 27-Jan-16 21:10:58

I know obvious but don't argue in front of the children. It isn't fair on them.

What were you like before the children?

headinhands Wed 27-Jan-16 21:14:05

We never fight. We are as likely to disagree in private as we do in public because there's nothing unkind about it. We never belittle each other or shout. I've never said anything I regret and neither has he. He's never said anything that has hurt me.

Yseulte Wed 27-Jan-16 21:15:47

We fight all of the time. About everything. We have no joint plans.

Everything falls apart when I am vulnerable and can't be strong about whatever thing it is.

Our oldest son who is three looks like a rabbit caught in headlights when we are speaking to each other.

OP I'm sure you know this isn't normal or healthy.

I've no doubt that if you wrote in more detail there would be worse to come.

Would you feel able to cope alone with 3 children?

BeaufortBelle Wed 27-Jan-16 21:15:56

I think you sound stressed and unhappy. What you have said about him sounds stressed and unhappy too.

Three under three is hard (two under five is hard). You are tired and skint (I imagine). Have list your way individually and for each other due to the lack of fun drudgery of it all.

Small children open cracks rather than heal them. It's for you to know if those cracks are repairable. If you think they are can people like Relate help?

I would say that marriage/partnership is a journey. Whilst I love DH to bits and love him more 27 years in I had to learn to accept that a fundamentally good man wasn't necessarily well parented himself and some of his failings were attributable to learnt behaviour. He had to learn a little about affection and rolling on the floor and having fun because his parents never did. IYSWIM.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 27-Jan-16 21:30:38

Spad

You have written about him at length before now and you will not be able to work things out in the ways you want.

Joint counselling with an abuser is a complete non starter, no decent counsellor would ever want to see a couple together where abuse of any type is present.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

FA is financial abuse.

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