I luckily came to my senses & somehow found it in me to leave a very long seriously abusive & controlling marriage. Decades of which were sexless (him not me). I've had as much therapy as I could afford but that was all about me finding it in me to leave. I now have a new set of issues. Some time has passed and by a miracle I've met a new man. He's the polar opposite of my ex. He's so 'hands off' in terms of control I struggle to adjust. He's unbelievably loving, tender & caring. He makes me feel so precious & loved. My problem is that I keep having this mental image of myself slapping & slapping him & shaking him, shouting 'you're not real' - trying to get him to drop the pretence & start behaving abusively, controllingly because that's what I get, what I understand & can relate to. It's like all the old walls confining me have been pulled away to be replaced with total freedom of movement & I have difficulty accepting it. To be treated with love, care & respect is just so weird. As much as it's wonderful it's also uncomfortable, unfathomable. I can't afford more counselling, can anyone recommend any books or other resources that might help me. I am utterly stunned at this good mans behaviour but he's the normal one isn't he? It's me that needs fixing. I think part of me needs to cry but I can't. Cry to release the effort it took me to survive my marriage for so long and cry to release the joy of such a pure happiness with the new man.
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Relationships
I think it can take years to really get over an abusive relationship. While the abuse is always the abuser's fault, you need to learn how your own behaviour was a part of that (e.g. why you felt you had to accept it, rather than leave). It's a long, complicated process. And once you've gone through that, you need to spend some time learning how to be completely free - i.e. out of a relationship and living a life where you completely own your own decisions and actions. When you're comfortable with being in control of your own life, it's a lot easier to draw acceptable boundaries in new relationships and they feel less scary. You trust your own judgement more about what is and isn't acceptable, and feel more relaxed about 'just seeing how it goes'.
All new relationships can make you feel a bit uncomfortable - in some ways that can be very enjoyable; the butterflies feeling, etc. However, if it's really making you anxious, to me that says you haven't yet healed enough to be ready for this, or maybe the new relationship is moving a little too fast for you. Why not try slowing it down to a pace you're more comfortable with?
Good luck and enjoy it. 
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